A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The parents stop and his mum quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around her.
"what were you and daddy doing?" the boy asks his mum.
"well your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I to get on top of it to help flatten it," she explains.
"your wasting your time," says the boy. "When you go shopping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
It's poker night, and Bob is playing with his 4 friends in the smoky basement. One of them decides to leave, so Bob's wife comes downstairs to join them.
Under the poker table however, Bob's wife is flirting with jack- Bob's good friend- rubbing her foot on his leg and throwing an occasional tongue flick.
Jack gets the point and excuses himself to the kitchen for a beer- with Bob's wife in tow "well i'll show you where they are. It gets hot and heavy upstairs with Jack and Bob's wife, but then she pulls back and says "do you really want me?" "yes", jack says. "well then give me 500 dollars and you could do whatever you want"
"ok", jack says.
so the next morning at work, Jack asks a good friend if he could borrow 500 dollars. "for what?!" says the friend. "ah- dont worry- you'll get it back by the end of the day" says jack quickly.
So jack goes to the woman's house knowing her husband is away and they do their thing all morning. Before leaving he hands the money to the wife and runs out. As she puts it away Bob walks in asking "was jack here!?" In fear of her being caught, she asks "NO! why?? and what're you doing home so early??"
So Bob says, "Ah well Jack had borrowed some money from me at work and told me that he'd leave it here with you for me to pick it up later on."
Two contractors boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take off, an architect got on and took the aisle seat next to the two contractors.
The architects kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the contractor in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the architect, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the contractors picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it, and they both had a good laugh.
When he returned with the coke, the other contractor said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the architect obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other contractor picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The architect returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the architect slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
A girl asked her father: dad, how did you name our three kids?
Her dad: well, We generally named you guys based on the situation we were in. We saw a parade marching when me and your mother came back from hospital for your mother's delivery. So we named your elder brother as 'marchingParade'. When we need to find a name for your older sis, we saw a blue sky, so her name is 'skyblue'. Do you have anymore questions, twodogfucking?
a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "why the long face?"
a guy walks into a bar....ouch.
an white guy, an asian guy, and a hispanic guy walk into a bar and the bartender asks, "what is this, a joke?"
a pirate walks into a bar w/ a steering wheel in his pants. the bartender asks, "is that a steering wheel in your pants?" and the pirate responds, "ay, and it's driving me nuts" (imagine a pirate accent)
a neutron walks into a bar, gets drunk, and asks the bartender, "how much do i owe you?"...the bartender responds, "for you, no charge."
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was
having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something
white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck
right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
A panda walks into a bar. He eats, shoots a gun into the air, and then starts to leave the bar. Before he gets to the door, the bartender yells "STOP!". The panda turns around. The bartender says, "Why did you shoot the gun?". Then the panda opens a dictionary and reads outloud: "Panda bear: eats shoots and leaves."
Two nuns on a tandem bike.
The one in front turns unexpectedly onto a cobbled street.
The nun at the rear says ‘I’ve never come this way before!’
to which the other breathlessly replies ‘ Neither have I’.
.. an architect from seattle is in china on business, he stops into a bar and orders a stolly with a twist, the bartender thinks for a minute then says, "once upon a time there were FOUR little pigs.."
2 architects walk inta a bar..
1 says 'i want to have the best drink you have'
bartender, 'what about your friend?'
'umm, he is here to piss on your best drink'
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
The old cowboy came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy stranger."
"Howdy sheriff."
The old cowboy then walks to the rear of his horse, lifts the tail and plants a big kiss right where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the porch and aimed toward the swingin' doors of the saloon.
The sheriff says, "Hold on mister. Did I see what I thought I just saw?"
"Reckon you did sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists – two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!†The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.†The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.â€Â
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.†The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.â€Â
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.â€Â
'hey boss, i'm tired of going around in circles!'
'shut up or i'll nail your other foot to the floor.'
this came from a string of lightbulb jokes that made fun of every school in the southeastern conference. i can't remember them all, but this one was pretty good:
how many people from vanderbilt does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5. 1 to screw in the bulb and 4 to proclaim that they did it just as well as harvard. (works just as well if using m.i.t.)
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says: "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
One day there were two men walking down the sidewalk. The first man notices a dog licking himself. "Man, I wish I could do that!" he said. The other man turned to him and said, "Maybe you should pet him first."
1. You say 'mate' constantly.
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3.00 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from London is 'w*nker'.
4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern W*nker'.
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see All Saints in the Bar Med (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous.
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car..
12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.
13. You pay £2.95 for a frigging caramel frigging crapachino Starbuck muck coffee
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CARDIFF TOO LONG...
1. You are still there.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
Got any good jokes?
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The parents stop and his mum quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around her.
"what were you and daddy doing?" the boy asks his mum.
"well your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I to get on top of it to help flatten it," she explains.
"your wasting your time," says the boy. "When you go shopping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
It's poker night, and Bob is playing with his 4 friends in the smoky basement. One of them decides to leave, so Bob's wife comes downstairs to join them.
Under the poker table however, Bob's wife is flirting with jack- Bob's good friend- rubbing her foot on his leg and throwing an occasional tongue flick.
Jack gets the point and excuses himself to the kitchen for a beer- with Bob's wife in tow "well i'll show you where they are. It gets hot and heavy upstairs with Jack and Bob's wife, but then she pulls back and says "do you really want me?" "yes", jack says. "well then give me 500 dollars and you could do whatever you want"
"ok", jack says.
so the next morning at work, Jack asks a good friend if he could borrow 500 dollars. "for what?!" says the friend. "ah- dont worry- you'll get it back by the end of the day" says jack quickly.
So jack goes to the woman's house knowing her husband is away and they do their thing all morning. Before leaving he hands the money to the wife and runs out. As she puts it away Bob walks in asking "was jack here!?" In fear of her being caught, she asks "NO! why?? and what're you doing home so early??"
So Bob says, "Ah well Jack had borrowed some money from me at work and told me that he'd leave it here with you for me to pick it up later on."
did you hear about the two TV antennae that got married?
the wedding sucked but the reception was great.
Two contractors boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take off, an architect got on and took the aisle seat next to the two contractors.
The architects kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the contractor in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the architect, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the contractors picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it, and they both had a good laugh.
When he returned with the coke, the other contractor said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the architect obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other contractor picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The architect returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the architect slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
very nice weave.
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender did not give him a drink, and promptly threw the poor sandwich out. Why?
An architect walks into a bar...
and blames the contractor for not following the CDs.
ba dum dum cha!
I can't remember the rest of the joke, but if I recall correctly, it was quite funny.
A girl asked her father: dad, how did you name our three kids?
Her dad: well, We generally named you guys based on the situation we were in. We saw a parade marching when me and your mother came back from hospital for your mother's delivery. So we named your elder brother as 'marchingParade'. When we need to find a name for your older sis, we saw a blue sky, so her name is 'skyblue'. Do you have anymore questions, twodogfucking?
a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "why the long face?"
a guy walks into a bar....ouch.
an white guy, an asian guy, and a hispanic guy walk into a bar and the bartender asks, "what is this, a joke?"
a pirate walks into a bar w/ a steering wheel in his pants. the bartender asks, "is that a steering wheel in your pants?" and the pirate responds, "ay, and it's driving me nuts" (imagine a pirate accent)
a neutron walks into a bar, gets drunk, and asks the bartender, "how much do i owe you?"...the bartender responds, "for you, no charge."
that's all i got right now.
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was
having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something
white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck
right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
A panda walks into a bar. He eats, shoots a gun into the air, and then starts to leave the bar. Before he gets to the door, the bartender yells "STOP!". The panda turns around. The bartender says, "Why did you shoot the gun?". Then the panda opens a dictionary and reads outloud: "Panda bear: eats shoots and leaves."
ok, I got it. A sandwich walks into a bar. He orders a beer, and the bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve food here."
What do you call a Blind Woman with her hands down her pants?
A Lip Reader
Apologies for possible smut-related recoil.
two guys walk into a bar
the third ducked....
Two nuns on a tandem bike.
The one in front turns unexpectedly onto a cobbled street.
The nun at the rear says ‘I’ve never come this way before!’
to which the other breathlessly replies ‘ Neither have I’.
Why did the kuola bear fall out the tree?
It was dead.
.. an architect from seattle is in china on business, he stops into a bar and orders a stolly with a twist, the bartender thinks for a minute then says, "once upon a time there were FOUR little pigs.."
2 architects walk inta a bar..
1 says 'i want to have the best drink you have'
bartender, 'what about your friend?'
'umm, he is here to piss on your best drink'
my scottish soccer coach liked this one:
what's better than roses on your piano?
tulips on your organ.
ba dum bump!
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
The old cowboy came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy stranger."
"Howdy sheriff."
The old cowboy then walks to the rear of his horse, lifts the tail and plants a big kiss right where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the porch and aimed toward the swingin' doors of the saloon.
The sheriff says, "Hold on mister. Did I see what I thought I just saw?"
"Reckon you did sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from licking them."
One day a man got injured in a car crash. He was alive but he had to be sent to a hospital. When he woke up he shouted, "I can't feel my legs."
"I know" the docter said, "I've amputated you arms."
alicebtacos - something simular
Q. what's worse than lobster on your piano?
A. Crabs on your organ
hey BOTS this one's for you:
2 nuns in a bath, fisrt one goes 'where's the soap?' to which the second replies 'yes it does, doesn't it?'
two cannibals are eating a clown,
one turns to the other and says, "does this taste funny to you?"
male architects (that 86%): to man to be an artist, to gay to be an inginer.
no offense, just received it myself this morning.
what is the biggest archeological mystery of the 20th century?
the tampon because they don't know what period it came from
Q. How many planning officers does it take to change a light bulb.
A. 1 to hold the light bulb and the rest of the design team to rotate the earth accordingly.
theres a really good one about how many mice does it take to change a lightbulb
but i cant remember it
so it must be good!
GOOOOOOOOOOOOGLE
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
i like this one
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
One day, Mickey Mouse decided that he wanted a divorce from
his wife Minnie. He went to his lawyer to explain the reasons
for this.
“You can’t divorce your wife just because you say she’s
crazy!â€Â, exclaimed the lawyer.
Mickey Mouse explained, “I didn’t say she was crazy... I said
she was fu*king Goofy!â€Â
sorry forgot the punch line
as if you didnt know already!
Two. They are just about small enough to fit inside.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists – two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!†The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.†The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.â€Â
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.†The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.â€Â
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.â€Â
Q: how do you get a clown to stop laughing?
A: you split his skull w/ a hatchet.
Q:how many straight-edge kids does it take to drink a six-pack of beer?
A: one, if nobody's looking.
a couple of different ones:
'hey boss, i'm tired of going around in circles!'
'shut up or i'll nail your other foot to the floor.'
this came from a string of lightbulb jokes that made fun of every school in the southeastern conference. i can't remember them all, but this one was pretty good:
how many people from vanderbilt does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5. 1 to screw in the bulb and 4 to proclaim that they did it just as well as harvard. (works just as well if using m.i.t.)
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says: "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
If Men Ruled The World.............
1. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
2. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a half time.
4. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bum would pretty much do it.
5. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
8. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
9. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
12. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
13. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
14. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
15. Two words: Ally McNaked.
16. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
17. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
19. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
20. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
21. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
22. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
One day there were two men walking down the sidewalk. The first man notices a dog licking himself. "Man, I wish I could do that!" he said. The other man turned to him and said, "Maybe you should pet him first."
WHY IS REM SUCH A GOOD ARCHITECT?
BECAUSE HE BUILDS KOOL HAASES!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
q:What did Mies proclaim after sitting in one of his modernist chairs all day?
a: "Ass is Sore"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Q: What do you call an alchoholic architect?
A: Aalvar Aalto!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG
1. You say 'mate' constantly.
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3.00 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from London is 'w*nker'.
4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern W*nker'.
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see All Saints in the Bar Med (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous.
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car..
12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.
13. You pay £2.95 for a frigging caramel frigging crapachino Starbuck muck coffee
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CARDIFF TOO LONG...
1. You are still there.
i asked my asian girlfriend for a handjob and i got a pretty manicure...
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
i asked my asian girlfriend for a pretty manicure and i got a handjob...
the title of the thread asks for GOOD JOKES guys
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