guy walks into a bar and sees brad pitt sitting on the other end. orders a drink and goes to brad. "excuse me mr pitt can i have your autograph?"
" okay but don't bother me again".
5 minutes later the guy walks up to brad again. " one last favor sir and i won't bother you again, when my girlfriend comes in 5 minutes can you come to our side of the bar and say hello jack, thats my name sir, that would really impress her" and reluctantly brad agrees.
5 minutes later girlfriend arrives and sees brad coming towards them, "o my god jack brad pitt coming towards us".
brad says "hello jack".
jack turns around says " can i have some fucking privacy brad its getting to be too much".

VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Company Policy: - Effective from January 2005

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Happy New Year, The Management

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

Three tampons are walking down the street...
Guess which one talked to me?


None of them-- they are all stuck up cunts!

The world's oldest joke is a one-liner about fart, researchers say. It goes back to 1900BC, and is a Sumerian proverb. BBC