just pick any thread on this site, that should entertain you for a while....

... without a victim

how do you get a 1 armed redneck out of a tree

wave to him

put a PBR on the ground

three architects go to a bar and order two coffee and a martini. one of them says,
"two of us on our coffee break but one of us is still working."

aha aha ahaha. i just made it up.....

something with the punchline: "3DH"

This is one of the few I know that isn't horrendously offensive:
*clears throat*



A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval so the 7 year old says,

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mum,I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops"

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"

"50 cents."

An Owner, an Architect, and an Engineer are traveling together to a distant city to visit a project site. Late in the day, their car develops engine trouble, so they stop at a small country inn for the night. "I only have two vacant rooms” the innkeeper says “so one of you will have to sleep in the barn."

The Engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the Engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal."

The Owner then says “OK, I'll sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the Owner who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal."

So the Architect is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But soon, they're awakened once again by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised to see the cow and the pig standing there, waiting to come in!

oldenvirginia, I'm sending that one to all the parents I know.

babs, LOL.

Orhan: You are the best.

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK...You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.

One more blond joke:

11 women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a redhead.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the redhead gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods.

The bear asked the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit said, "Oh, it doesn't bother me."

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a decade or two to work you in."

So St. Peter takes aside the first man, and asks him how he died.
"Well, I'd been suspicious of my wife having an affair for some time now, so today I came home from work early. I just knew the guy was in my apartment, but I couldn't find him. I looked everywhere and was just about to give up, when I went out on the balcony of my 23rd story apartment and there he was hanging over the edge! He was just barely hanging on, there was no way he could climb back onto the balcony. It was a really stupid place to try to hide. I was livid, so I started punching him and clawing at his fingers, but he held on. Finally I went to get a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, and he fell down. But what really angered me was that he landed in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! I was so mad I grabbed the refrigerator, threw it off the balcony and it landed on him. Unfortunately I was so riled up by the incident I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter was taken aback, and said "While you did die in a dramatic fashion, I think we need to look at that whole second degree murder before we let you in - off to limbo with you." He then approached the second man and asked him how he had died.

"I was riding my exercise bike on the balcony of my 24th story apartment, when the thing broke and threw me over the railing! I grabbed furiously at the railing and slipped, but managed to catch on the balcony below mine. I tried to climb up but it just wasn't possible. I thought I was going to fall but then someone came out on the balcony. I thought he would help me, until he started hitting me! I held on as best I could, but when he got a hammer and started hitting me I finally couldn't hold on anymore and fell. Somehow, though, I fell in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! Just as I'm coming around, I look up and BAM this refrigerator lands on me. So here I am."

St. Peter immediately admitted this second man to heaven, and pulled aside the third man and asked him for his story.

"Picture this: I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."

An architect was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.

"God", he said, "how long is a million years?"

God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God answered, "To me, it's a penny."

The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "In a minute."

W

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over, and with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”
She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.”

the president during his briefing is particularly shocked and taken aback by the news that three brazillian soldiers were killed in iraq. this seems unusual to his staff until his follow up question of "wait, how many is a 'brazillion' again?"

Did you hear about the fire over at the campground?

It was in tents.

reminds me of the stressed out guy visiting his shrink babbling:
"doctor help.. i'm a tee-pee, i'm a wigwam, i'm a tee-pee, i'm a wigwam"

doctor:
"you know what it is? your two tents"

this thread really proves that architects have no sense of humor

1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with battery.

2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

14. Without geometry, life is pointless.

15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!]

19. A backwards poet writes inverse.

20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.

26. A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.

30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

31. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .

32. An actress who saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.

33. Acupuncture is a jab well done

SDR (not an architect)

Then feel free to enlighten us Bowjangles

great ballad, also check sammy davis' version while there. but the first one is all about architecture.

and talk about architecture.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?









One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with and the other is used to hold groceries.

Why can't ghost have babies?





Because they have hollow weenies.

OK, really.....are you a prostitute or a architect ?

1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You spend a majority of your time looking for clients or in a hotel room.

4. You charge by the hour, but your time can be extended.

5. You are not proud of what you do.

6. Creating fantasies for your clients is well rewarded.

7. You find it difficult to have much of a family life.

8. You have no job satisfaction.

9. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

10. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

11. If one client beats you up, you still have to “hit the streets” to find another client.

12. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

13. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they're going to get for the money.

14. The client always thinks you get to keep more of your "fee" than you actually do, and in turn, expects "a little something special" from you.

15. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

16. You are rated on your "performance" as you go through an excruciating ordeal.

17. Even though you might get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.

Architects vs Engineers:

A group of architectural students were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the architects and walks away.

After the engineering student has gone, one architectural student turns to the others and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

what is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?


only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded

oh snap!


actually, everything out of both is.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

i went to a seafood party the other day, i pulled a muscle