You all might get a kick out of this (especially since it's relevant to a lot of us); I posted it recently on my blog, but since no one reads that I'll re-post here. Enjoy!

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I’ve been fretting a whole bunch about something lately - namely, grad school admissions. Rationally, I know that it’s out of my hands at this point and there’s nothing more to be done. But a good chunk of my brain is staunchly refusing any such solace; the impending decision taps at my thoughts like a housefly at a closed window. Through all this ‘reflecting,’ though, I’ve had some valuable insights as to what I might do differently… Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the Alternative Grad Admissions Essay:

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Ever since I was quite young, I have wanted to be a designer. The many colors and shapes, the thrill of creation; these are what I enjoy most. It is common knowledge that University of Design is, without contest, the foremost in excellence of all design schools. With unmatched celebrity presence and tuition fees that rival the collective value of a typical American subdivision, one needs only a spreadsheet to know your institution is the most preeminent anywhere. I also understand that, as a prestigious university, only the very best, most talented candidates are allowed entrance to your hallowed halls. I write this essay to tell you that, if you’re looking for a truly outstanding designer, for a prodigy that can be nurtured into a master, for a student of such spectacular caliber that his very pen has the fabled Midas touch, then you should probably set this application aside. But if you’re looking for a moderately intelligent student, one that is capable but not quite brilliant, one versed in the language of design, the you should still set this aside. Seriously.

Let’s get something straight. I suck. Hardcore. The full extent of my ineptitude doesn’t even begin to show in my corner-stapled, eight and a half by eleven, Microsoft Word portfolio. Maybe you think that I’m ‘lacking a technical fluency’ but that the work ‘might actually shine through.’ No. Wrong. I couldn’t design the shelves for a linen closet in your grandmothers basement. I couldn’t design 3M’s logo if you opened Illustrator, made a text box, and selected Helvetica Bold for me. My architecture models look like something Robert Stern would make if he were smashed drunk and wearing mittens. My graphic abilities are slightly less developed than the guys who did those drawings at Lascaux. My favorite font is Dingbats.

By all accounts, I shouldn’t be admitted to the University of Design. But I’m writing this to argue that I’m exactly what your institution needs. For one, my work will make everybody else’s better by comparison. I can be like the ugly friend you take to the bar to steer pretty folks your way. And let’s not underestimate the power of a healthy ego boost, courtesy of your neighborhood Awful Design Student. Instructors will appreciate being able to completely neglect me, the hopeless case, allowing them to spend more time with the ‘talented’ students. The financial benefits alone are compelling enough: while I’ll still pay full tuition, I won’t hog any of the coveted Merit Scholarships. Finally, you might think that having someone as incompetent as me graduate with your degree would be a black mark on your reputation, but consider! The hope I would impart to future applicants, that “anyone really can make it” (*wink wink*) would inspire a huge boon in your applications, allowing you to be even more selective than you currently are! I trust I’ve made my case quite convincingly at this point, so I’ll leave it at that. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to seeing you this Fall.