This may not be architecture related. But in someway it is.
I talked with my husband about having another kid. He was against at first. Now he is looking forward to it, and I decide maybe it should be delay. He is very upset.
As I mentioned in another thread. I'm leaving for vacation in a couple of days. I finished a project that is going for bid now. And I didn't do much last week. Just helping out doing some sketch up models and addendum. A recruiter aporached me, and send me some firms. I check them out and found some are quite interesting. I mentioned I'm licensed and have 8-10 years experiences and want to be project manager in my next project. I did the last project by myself. I don't have a project line up yet. I think I may serious consider to change if I don't see much prospective in this place soon. And that lead to rethink about the time to have another kid, or at all.
I don't have to give up my career. But I do think it will be kind of lonely for my son to be the only child in a family. Both me and my husband are busy, he is a computer engineer. So it's only for my son, who is 16 months, that I'm thinking about have another one. But it means taking a lot of time, and may affect my work. It is really a hard decision. Any advice on this? Thank you!
I've got three kids about two years apart each (7,9,11 ) and it seemed painful when we were young but on the otherside it sure is nice to do things together and not be tied down by a very young child.
Whistler, I heard the same thing, that if you do it, it's better to be close and do it together, since the first two years is hard. That's why my husband is a bit upset, since it means it will spread out more years we can't go anywhere. I think after 2-3 years, it will be easier, that what I heard.
in a child development/psychology course i took, they say 3 years is the ideal age difference between children. if it's really important for you to have more kids, can't you find time somehow? on the other hand, if you have so many doubts, another child might not be the best choice for you right now. go with your instincts.
I'm in my mid thirties and for a long time thought that I'd work out what my own life was all about before bringing more people into this bizzare place. However, perhaps its not incumbent upon us, as individuals, to figure out everything alone. In my limited experience of being with children as an adult, I've found that they've got the most astonishingly fresh perspective on things. This, I suppose, it obvious. But it's not.
My sister and I are four years apart. To me that was perfect, and we are still very close and good friends. That is my bigest concern about having only one - which it looks like we are going to do - is that he won't have anyone in his adult years who has a shared childhood history with him, shares his memories and experiences, knows all the same dumb things mom and dad did etc.
Of course my husband and his brother barely haveanything to say to one another, so you never know how it will work out.
Reason if you feel strongly you want another one, then make sure your new firm's health insurance policy covers maternity and allows some time for leave and just do it. Firms - and most of them do -need to accommodate the fact that half of the workforce has this biological task that needs to be dealt with. As long as you work hard before you get pregnant, work hard while pregnant, and come back after to continue to work hard, they will manage. And if that firm can't deal with it (a certain Philly firm is know for chewing up and spitting out reproductive women employees, I won't say who), then another will.
I have several friends with a 3yo and a newborn. It's really hard, but in 3 years the kids will keep one another entertained while mom and dad may actually have a moment to catch their breath. It's like arch school: you can handle any stress and schedule for a limited time of several years, and there will be rewards at the end.
The whole having kids thing is such a huge fucking risk, emotionally the most draining and exhausting undertaking ever, as well as the most rewarding. solidred, my favorite quote about becoing a parent is more or less "Having children has done more than anything else in my life to excavate my essential humanity." Anna Quindlen. You can't "figure the world out" before having kids, you have kids to help you figure out the world.
I really want to have kids but I'm having zero luck with the ladies. I'm not even sure I even want to be in a relationship but I definitely want to have kids and I think I'd make a good father. I've been thinking about adopthing but I don't if it's even possible for singles to adopt.
so, you're going to have another kid when you already dont have enough time for the first one? another sibling is probably not the answer.
i also am a single child of a busy family, but i recieved my parents full attention all the time. So split your time between two kids and there is quite less time spent with both.
My opinion, invest your time and raise one child well
instead of two less well.
Or... how about this: is your current job and the way you are working it really such a given? So far all the posts are figuring out how to divide your life leftovers from your job among your kid or kids. Well, how about the other way? Maybe a part-time approach to the job instead? (Use husband's insurance?) Or maybe get a job that you can mostly work from home? Freelance?
You all think I'm a traditionalist nut, don't you?--DON'T YOU !?!?!?
I just want to mention that I think it's great that you're considering what would be best for your current kid. I'm an only child, and always wished I had a sibling (preferably an older one, so that my parents would have figured things out already).
First off I would never listen to any one's opinion unless they actually had kids. My wife and I just laugh at comments from friends / family etc. who don't have kids to explain or justify their attitude to them. I don't know anyone who is truly ready to have kids ( same with Marriage, and buying your first computer ) you think you are ready and have it all sussed out and then it happens and your floored by how different it was from what you expected. Including that girls are characteristically one way and boys another. I have three kids and each is a completely different mixture of my wife and I, physically, mentally, emotionally, and personality. Yes its work to raise good kids but if you think Architecture can make a difference what better reason to to do good work than raising children to live in that world!
Thanks for all the feed backs. The reason I posted this question here instead of asking my friends is I don't really know any woman architect friend who has children. I know an interior designer, and she works 4 days. Other woman architect friends I have, they missed the time to have children, or even marriage. I really wish I knew more of success woman architect moms, and learn from them and share with them. But strangely enough, the offices I worked for before and currently, they are almost non exist. It may say something about our profession.
reason, i know how you feel... i made the decision to go to grad school, which means that after only a few years of working, i'll be in my thrities. it was really tough, but i feel that if i really want children in the future, i'll make it work somehow. plus, there's always adoption. it's tough to be a woman in the professional world, not only in architecture. you just have to do what you feel is right for you.
i personally would recommend a second kid...i'm the first of three
siblings and can't imagine the many vacations and trips my family
took together without them entertaining me in the back seats of
cars, airplanes, stuffy dinners, church gatherings etc.
we're 2 and 4 years apart...which seemed to transition us really well
through school. i could help, a little, pave the way for my siblings
through middle school and high school. maybe only children grow
up faster and are able to relate to adults earlier..but i don't know.
also for future generations when you're gone i feel as though it'll
be easier for your children to have another sibling to relate to on
a familial level.
i've never had children, but i've lived with a family of four kids for
several years in my mid 20s and got to see them all grow from their
0-3s or so.
...of course on the whole question of having kids as an architect...
it's something i've been thinking alot about lately. if i ever have
children i want to be able to go to their baseball/soccer games...
to be around to give advice, tuck them into bed etc. how does
architecture allow for that to take place?
i'm glad my parents decided to have another kid. i can't imagine not having a brother. we are only 14 months apart. we fault a lot as kids. i'm sure a couple more years between us would have helped with that. now, we are the best of friends. there is no person that will know me as long as as my brother. i cherish my relationship with him.
lars, i once worked with a guy that spoke to his wife every night while we were working away late into the evening. he would get off the phone and happily say his daughter just said her first word, took her first step, etc. it was so sad. so sad.
Balance is the only thing I can offer. My staff all work a fexible schedule which means they all work 4 days a week and rotate out days so that we have the necessary people in the office to cover for each other. They all work a little longer on the days they work or work half days if it suits their schedule. Only a couple of them have kids band the other use the time to pursue other things ( skiing , biking, exam study time) I knew a few others who did some shared work 2/3 days a week where two women shared a single station and traded off in a larger office. Seems weird at first but it worked out quite well over a two year span. Relies on good communication but that's something you have to work at. As for your stated goal to be a project manager in your next role I might suggest a situation where you can share that role with the principle and have an ability to acheive your career goals and still find time for the young ones. I still blow off meetings to watch xmas concerts, sports days, awards presentations. Yes I cringe at doing it but stealing an hour away is magic for them. If you don't feel you want to do that then question the purpose of having a family at all.....go shopping at the GAP!
Hey Whistler, the thinking behind your office set-up makes my day! Why don't all architecture offices work like that? The actual way an office operates should be a humanist work of architecture: with well-rounded people getting together to make well-rounded things.
I just run the office how I want to live and quite honestly it doesn't fit the 9 to 5 format. Work gets done, clients are happy, pay their invoices and we try to do interesting work.
whistler...
i agree with solidred...when/if i ever have an office i hope to run
it in a similar vein as to yourself. architects seem to work more/
less productive hours in my experience when they could get the
same amount of work done in fewer hours at a more convenient
schedule. as a creative profession it's sort of odd how rigid offices
are. seems to me that a satisfied/happy employee is far more
appreciative and productive than one who is overworked/unhappy.
balance is huge to me...probably a reason i'll have to move to
europe. right now i'm working 55-60 hrs a week, every week,
with little time off...and it's just wearing on me...cause i have
so many interests related to/outside of work that i don't get to
do anything on til after work...and the personal life is basically
weekends or less sleep during the week..which is what i'm doing
now.
yes, whistler, you set a great sample for us. I would like to run my office like that too in the future. A lot of time, offices emphasized too much on time you spend in the office, instead of how much you get it done. I can think about things I need to do and write a list on the bus, and be very productive when I'm in the office, or I can sit there just to kill the time. It also related to the work load, which is not consistant. As Larslarson said, as a creative profession, we should have more control of our time, and maybe should run architecture office like a lot of computer office, flexible time and task driven, you can work at any place you like, just show up for the meeting.
We have two kids and would not have less. There are times we want more than DS 5 and DD2.25.
There are a lot of days that 2.75 years apart seem way too much. DS started kindergarten on Friday and DD wanted to go on the big yellow bus. She has three more years until she stars school. That means that from Kindergarten to College is a 15 year period.
We are also finding out that the older they get the more time they need - Soccer, homework, the rest of it.
Hey I have to add to this later I have to read the “My side of the mountain†to my DS. I am trying to get partner wife to add her comments but she does not want to invade her space. She posts on what I call her mommy net.
whistler, thanks for having such a good attitude about comments from people who don't have kids! I was starting to get cranky hearing the things people say, your comment reminded me that they just honestly have no idea, just like I didn't before I had one.
I think one is not a great idea, and yet that's probably what we're going with. As for being a working female architect: it is definitely easier now that I'm self-employed. And it is also definitely harder! Health insuance is a huge f*cking issue for the self-employed and it makes me angry every time I talk/think about it so I'm not going to.
On the bad side: long hours, low-ish pay, constant insecurity about whether another job will come in. On the plus side: all the flexibility during the day I could possibly want, as long as I'm willing to work after the child goes to bed at night.
Back to the question of having two: I agree with others, as I said above previously: having shared memories with a sibling seems like a very important part of life. I don't like to think of my son missing that, so we're trying to spend a lot of vacations with his cousins. Waiting a year or two to have another baby won't make that much difference if your first is only 16 months old now! I'd guess much more than 5 years difference is maybe too much, but again: every sibling relationship is different, they will just turn out however they will both despite of and beacuse of your best intentions.
I also agree with this, whistler: you're never ready for a kid, or marriage, or whatever: every big decision is one you can only prepare yourself for and teach yourself about as best as possible, then take the leap and see how it turns out!
no one is ever ready for any part of life, kids school, job whatever. it is the unknown, and the dealing with newness, that makes life interesting.
in my case we have 2 children and my wife is a stay-at-home full-time mother, probably for another year or so. that bothers both of us a bit, but we both also are glad that we are in a position to do it.
i have been working at home for most of both kids life and tend to do what LB does, working late at night after reading books and putting kids to bed. we are thinking of having another, but it would mean another year or two of my wife being at home...so we may not.
which seems kind of strange to me. my grandmother had nine children and never a complaint, and she worked all of her life, first as a farmer, then when grampa retired, worked for a hotel in the city (she was 20 years his junior). so it isn't like it is a new problem or anything. our generation is maybe just more careful/jealous about our time than my grandmother's generation was...
whistler's office example is interesting and unfortunately not very common in our world. i do know of one slightly starchitect-y (european) firm that did the same ( a husband and wife firm, large-ish, well published internationally and all the rest), working 4 days a week flex-time schedule when they had kids. so it is possible to be world famous and do serious capital A architecture with kids too. Not every female architect needs to be like sejima...
my wife and i have two (5 & 2) and our third is due in october. crazy and unexpected, but then again I'm sure there will be a point in our lives when we will never be able to imagine not having three, although it still doesn't change the anxiety we feel at the moment. we have things pretty well down with two, but the impending third is provoking us to make some very tough decisions about where to live and how to proceed professionally.
the one thing that i can say about kids relative to my own experience is that once my wife and I got past the initial shock of being new parents, making other 'big' decisions became much easier. It was almost as if once we realized that we could handle taking one leap into the abyss, others seemed less daunting and somehow more achievable compared with our pre-kid mentalities. I'm actually quite certain that I never would have gone out on my own if we hadn't had kids. I think seeing that I could handle fatherhood somehow gave me the confidence to move forward. So now, as LB has pointed out, there is always a level of uncertainty when it seems that no jobs are coming throught the door that is troubling at times, but it has been soooo worth it for the flexibility is has provided me/us.
I too agree with whistler and LB about the big decisions. it's creepy to be standing on the precipice, but worth it once you let go..........also the 'whistler model' for office mangement is very in inspiring.
the most important thing i learned a long time ago is to weave your work into your life, not the other way around. if you want to have another child that's great, but it should be a decision about your family. your working situation should be the last consideration.
my son (an only child) is now in his teens, and now i wish we'd had another when he was young (3 yrs or so). i came from a large family (4 bros 1 sis) and you really do learn a lot from your siblings (both good and bad) and i can see in my son's development where a brother or sister could have helped him transition through certain developmental stages a little better, but overall he's well adjusted and perfectly 'normal'. there's no right or wrong though, go with whatever you feel is best for you.
i must stress though, make your personal life a priority over work, i sacrificed several years at a starchitects office on 'important' projects, and while they are cool projects, i would rather have my son remember the time I blew off work to take him to the beach and a movie, not the time daddy had to work over the 4th of july/thanksgiving/etc.
priorities.
Hey thanks for the support. My office just evolved that way it wasn't a set series of decisions. However it works for the crew of people who work here and they seem to find it an acceptable situation. Now having said that we're up in Canada eh! with all those communist tendancies, medicare, liberalism peacekeeper army etc. so it shouldn't be a surprise. ( joking, but not really!)
i'm all for children (even though i don't have any that i know of yet)...it's listening to those childless couples with dogs that i find annoying as hell
i'm right there with you e... married, no kids, 2 dogs... one's 8 and the other is 1.5 years...
i've got no problems with kids... i just don't have any yet and maybe never will...
and if my friends with kids are going to talk constantly about their kids, why shouldn't we talk about our dogs... especially when the dogs act exactly like the children...
some of us are not able to have children (or choose not to), so why can't we discuss the cute things that our furry kids do when you're discussing the things that your bald kids do????
Should I have another kid?
This may not be architecture related. But in someway it is.
I talked with my husband about having another kid. He was against at first. Now he is looking forward to it, and I decide maybe it should be delay. He is very upset.
As I mentioned in another thread. I'm leaving for vacation in a couple of days. I finished a project that is going for bid now. And I didn't do much last week. Just helping out doing some sketch up models and addendum. A recruiter aporached me, and send me some firms. I check them out and found some are quite interesting. I mentioned I'm licensed and have 8-10 years experiences and want to be project manager in my next project. I did the last project by myself. I don't have a project line up yet. I think I may serious consider to change if I don't see much prospective in this place soon. And that lead to rethink about the time to have another kid, or at all.
I don't have to give up my career. But I do think it will be kind of lonely for my son to be the only child in a family. Both me and my husband are busy, he is a computer engineer. So it's only for my son, who is 16 months, that I'm thinking about have another one. But it means taking a lot of time, and may affect my work. It is really a hard decision. Any advice on this? Thank you!
dont know a lot about kids etc, but i think you could wait for maybe 2 years more? I think a 3.5-4 year gap between kids is healthy
I've got three kids about two years apart each (7,9,11 ) and it seemed painful when we were young but on the otherside it sure is nice to do things together and not be tied down by a very young child.
Whistler, I heard the same thing, that if you do it, it's better to be close and do it together, since the first two years is hard. That's why my husband is a bit upset, since it means it will spread out more years we can't go anywhere. I think after 2-3 years, it will be easier, that what I heard.
in a child development/psychology course i took, they say 3 years is the ideal age difference between children. if it's really important for you to have more kids, can't you find time somehow? on the other hand, if you have so many doubts, another child might not be the best choice for you right now. go with your instincts.
I'm in my mid thirties and for a long time thought that I'd work out what my own life was all about before bringing more people into this bizzare place. However, perhaps its not incumbent upon us, as individuals, to figure out everything alone. In my limited experience of being with children as an adult, I've found that they've got the most astonishingly fresh perspective on things. This, I suppose, it obvious. But it's not.
My sister and I are four years apart. To me that was perfect, and we are still very close and good friends. That is my bigest concern about having only one - which it looks like we are going to do - is that he won't have anyone in his adult years who has a shared childhood history with him, shares his memories and experiences, knows all the same dumb things mom and dad did etc.
Of course my husband and his brother barely haveanything to say to one another, so you never know how it will work out.
Reason if you feel strongly you want another one, then make sure your new firm's health insurance policy covers maternity and allows some time for leave and just do it. Firms - and most of them do -need to accommodate the fact that half of the workforce has this biological task that needs to be dealt with. As long as you work hard before you get pregnant, work hard while pregnant, and come back after to continue to work hard, they will manage. And if that firm can't deal with it (a certain Philly firm is know for chewing up and spitting out reproductive women employees, I won't say who), then another will.
I have several friends with a 3yo and a newborn. It's really hard, but in 3 years the kids will keep one another entertained while mom and dad may actually have a moment to catch their breath. It's like arch school: you can handle any stress and schedule for a limited time of several years, and there will be rewards at the end.
The whole having kids thing is such a huge fucking risk, emotionally the most draining and exhausting undertaking ever, as well as the most rewarding. solidred, my favorite quote about becoing a parent is more or less "Having children has done more than anything else in my life to excavate my essential humanity." Anna Quindlen. You can't "figure the world out" before having kids, you have kids to help you figure out the world.
p2an, you are hillarious!
i think that it would be best that you consult with your peers around you, and not strangers over the net for such important things in your life.
I really want to have kids but I'm having zero luck with the ladies. I'm not even sure I even want to be in a relationship but I definitely want to have kids and I think I'd make a good father. I've been thinking about adopthing but I don't if it's even possible for singles to adopt.
if you need to ask us here on an anonymous web forum if you should have a kid then the answer is clearly...
NOOOOOO!!!!!
also, i was an only child and i turned out just fine...
so, you're going to have another kid when you already dont have enough time for the first one? another sibling is probably not the answer.
i also am a single child of a busy family, but i recieved my parents full attention all the time. So split your time between two kids and there is quite less time spent with both.
My opinion, invest your time and raise one child well
instead of two less well.
less is more
have at least one more.. hey Laura from project runway has 5 goin on 6! ans she's an architect!
but seriously, studies and personal experience have shown that having a close sibling is an important factor in any child's devlopment.
Or... how about this: is your current job and the way you are working it really such a given? So far all the posts are figuring out how to divide your life leftovers from your job among your kid or kids. Well, how about the other way? Maybe a part-time approach to the job instead? (Use husband's insurance?) Or maybe get a job that you can mostly work from home? Freelance?
You all think I'm a traditionalist nut, don't you?--DON'T YOU !?!?!?
I just want to mention that I think it's great that you're considering what would be best for your current kid. I'm an only child, and always wished I had a sibling (preferably an older one, so that my parents would have figured things out already).
First off I would never listen to any one's opinion unless they actually had kids. My wife and I just laugh at comments from friends / family etc. who don't have kids to explain or justify their attitude to them. I don't know anyone who is truly ready to have kids ( same with Marriage, and buying your first computer ) you think you are ready and have it all sussed out and then it happens and your floored by how different it was from what you expected. Including that girls are characteristically one way and boys another. I have three kids and each is a completely different mixture of my wife and I, physically, mentally, emotionally, and personality. Yes its work to raise good kids but if you think Architecture can make a difference what better reason to to do good work than raising children to live in that world!
Thanks for all the feed backs. The reason I posted this question here instead of asking my friends is I don't really know any woman architect friend who has children. I know an interior designer, and she works 4 days. Other woman architect friends I have, they missed the time to have children, or even marriage. I really wish I knew more of success woman architect moms, and learn from them and share with them. But strangely enough, the offices I worked for before and currently, they are almost non exist. It may say something about our profession.
reason, i know how you feel... i made the decision to go to grad school, which means that after only a few years of working, i'll be in my thrities. it was really tough, but i feel that if i really want children in the future, i'll make it work somehow. plus, there's always adoption. it's tough to be a woman in the professional world, not only in architecture. you just have to do what you feel is right for you.
i personally would recommend a second kid...i'm the first of three
siblings and can't imagine the many vacations and trips my family
took together without them entertaining me in the back seats of
cars, airplanes, stuffy dinners, church gatherings etc.
we're 2 and 4 years apart...which seemed to transition us really well
through school. i could help, a little, pave the way for my siblings
through middle school and high school. maybe only children grow
up faster and are able to relate to adults earlier..but i don't know.
also for future generations when you're gone i feel as though it'll
be easier for your children to have another sibling to relate to on
a familial level.
i've never had children, but i've lived with a family of four kids for
several years in my mid 20s and got to see them all grow from their
0-3s or so.
...of course on the whole question of having kids as an architect...
it's something i've been thinking alot about lately. if i ever have
children i want to be able to go to their baseball/soccer games...
to be around to give advice, tuck them into bed etc. how does
architecture allow for that to take place?
frankly, it's made me want to change professions.
i'm glad my parents decided to have another kid. i can't imagine not having a brother. we are only 14 months apart. we fault a lot as kids. i'm sure a couple more years between us would have helped with that. now, we are the best of friends. there is no person that will know me as long as as my brother. i cherish my relationship with him.
lars, i once worked with a guy that spoke to his wife every night while we were working away late into the evening. he would get off the phone and happily say his daughter just said her first word, took her first step, etc. it was so sad. so sad.
Balance is the only thing I can offer. My staff all work a fexible schedule which means they all work 4 days a week and rotate out days so that we have the necessary people in the office to cover for each other. They all work a little longer on the days they work or work half days if it suits their schedule. Only a couple of them have kids band the other use the time to pursue other things ( skiing , biking, exam study time) I knew a few others who did some shared work 2/3 days a week where two women shared a single station and traded off in a larger office. Seems weird at first but it worked out quite well over a two year span. Relies on good communication but that's something you have to work at. As for your stated goal to be a project manager in your next role I might suggest a situation where you can share that role with the principle and have an ability to acheive your career goals and still find time for the young ones. I still blow off meetings to watch xmas concerts, sports days, awards presentations. Yes I cringe at doing it but stealing an hour away is magic for them. If you don't feel you want to do that then question the purpose of having a family at all.....go shopping at the GAP!
Hey Whistler, the thinking behind your office set-up makes my day! Why don't all architecture offices work like that? The actual way an office operates should be a humanist work of architecture: with well-rounded people getting together to make well-rounded things.
Solidred thx.
I just run the office how I want to live and quite honestly it doesn't fit the 9 to 5 format. Work gets done, clients are happy, pay their invoices and we try to do interesting work.
whistler...
i agree with solidred...when/if i ever have an office i hope to run
it in a similar vein as to yourself. architects seem to work more/
less productive hours in my experience when they could get the
same amount of work done in fewer hours at a more convenient
schedule. as a creative profession it's sort of odd how rigid offices
are. seems to me that a satisfied/happy employee is far more
appreciative and productive than one who is overworked/unhappy.
balance is huge to me...probably a reason i'll have to move to
europe. right now i'm working 55-60 hrs a week, every week,
with little time off...and it's just wearing on me...cause i have
so many interests related to/outside of work that i don't get to
do anything on til after work...and the personal life is basically
weekends or less sleep during the week..which is what i'm doing
now.
yes, whistler, you set a great sample for us. I would like to run my office like that too in the future. A lot of time, offices emphasized too much on time you spend in the office, instead of how much you get it done. I can think about things I need to do and write a list on the bus, and be very productive when I'm in the office, or I can sit there just to kill the time. It also related to the work load, which is not consistant. As Larslarson said, as a creative profession, we should have more control of our time, and maybe should run architecture office like a lot of computer office, flexible time and task driven, you can work at any place you like, just show up for the meeting.
no, babies are parasites that live in your belly
We have two kids and would not have less. There are times we want more than DS 5 and DD2.25.
There are a lot of days that 2.75 years apart seem way too much. DS started kindergarten on Friday and DD wanted to go on the big yellow bus. She has three more years until she stars school. That means that from Kindergarten to College is a 15 year period.
We are also finding out that the older they get the more time they need - Soccer, homework, the rest of it.
Hey I have to add to this later I have to read the “My side of the mountain†to my DS. I am trying to get partner wife to add her comments but she does not want to invade her space. She posts on what I call her mommy net.
whistler, thanks for having such a good attitude about comments from people who don't have kids! I was starting to get cranky hearing the things people say, your comment reminded me that they just honestly have no idea, just like I didn't before I had one.
I think one is not a great idea, and yet that's probably what we're going with. As for being a working female architect: it is definitely easier now that I'm self-employed. And it is also definitely harder! Health insuance is a huge f*cking issue for the self-employed and it makes me angry every time I talk/think about it so I'm not going to.
On the bad side: long hours, low-ish pay, constant insecurity about whether another job will come in. On the plus side: all the flexibility during the day I could possibly want, as long as I'm willing to work after the child goes to bed at night.
Back to the question of having two: I agree with others, as I said above previously: having shared memories with a sibling seems like a very important part of life. I don't like to think of my son missing that, so we're trying to spend a lot of vacations with his cousins. Waiting a year or two to have another baby won't make that much difference if your first is only 16 months old now! I'd guess much more than 5 years difference is maybe too much, but again: every sibling relationship is different, they will just turn out however they will both despite of and beacuse of your best intentions.
I also agree with this, whistler: you're never ready for a kid, or marriage, or whatever: every big decision is one you can only prepare yourself for and teach yourself about as best as possible, then take the leap and see how it turns out!
no one is ever ready for any part of life, kids school, job whatever. it is the unknown, and the dealing with newness, that makes life interesting.
in my case we have 2 children and my wife is a stay-at-home full-time mother, probably for another year or so. that bothers both of us a bit, but we both also are glad that we are in a position to do it.
i have been working at home for most of both kids life and tend to do what LB does, working late at night after reading books and putting kids to bed. we are thinking of having another, but it would mean another year or two of my wife being at home...so we may not.
which seems kind of strange to me. my grandmother had nine children and never a complaint, and she worked all of her life, first as a farmer, then when grampa retired, worked for a hotel in the city (she was 20 years his junior). so it isn't like it is a new problem or anything. our generation is maybe just more careful/jealous about our time than my grandmother's generation was...
whistler's office example is interesting and unfortunately not very common in our world. i do know of one slightly starchitect-y (european) firm that did the same ( a husband and wife firm, large-ish, well published internationally and all the rest), working 4 days a week flex-time schedule when they had kids. so it is possible to be world famous and do serious capital A architecture with kids too. Not every female architect needs to be like sejima...
my wife and i have two (5 & 2) and our third is due in october. crazy and unexpected, but then again I'm sure there will be a point in our lives when we will never be able to imagine not having three, although it still doesn't change the anxiety we feel at the moment. we have things pretty well down with two, but the impending third is provoking us to make some very tough decisions about where to live and how to proceed professionally.
the one thing that i can say about kids relative to my own experience is that once my wife and I got past the initial shock of being new parents, making other 'big' decisions became much easier. It was almost as if once we realized that we could handle taking one leap into the abyss, others seemed less daunting and somehow more achievable compared with our pre-kid mentalities. I'm actually quite certain that I never would have gone out on my own if we hadn't had kids. I think seeing that I could handle fatherhood somehow gave me the confidence to move forward. So now, as LB has pointed out, there is always a level of uncertainty when it seems that no jobs are coming throught the door that is troubling at times, but it has been soooo worth it for the flexibility is has provided me/us.
I too agree with whistler and LB about the big decisions. it's creepy to be standing on the precipice, but worth it once you let go..........also the 'whistler model' for office mangement is very in inspiring.
the most important thing i learned a long time ago is to weave your work into your life, not the other way around. if you want to have another child that's great, but it should be a decision about your family. your working situation should be the last consideration.
my son (an only child) is now in his teens, and now i wish we'd had another when he was young (3 yrs or so). i came from a large family (4 bros 1 sis) and you really do learn a lot from your siblings (both good and bad) and i can see in my son's development where a brother or sister could have helped him transition through certain developmental stages a little better, but overall he's well adjusted and perfectly 'normal'. there's no right or wrong though, go with whatever you feel is best for you.
i must stress though, make your personal life a priority over work, i sacrificed several years at a starchitects office on 'important' projects, and while they are cool projects, i would rather have my son remember the time I blew off work to take him to the beach and a movie, not the time daddy had to work over the 4th of july/thanksgiving/etc.
priorities.
good luck!
Hey thanks for the support. My office just evolved that way it wasn't a set series of decisions. However it works for the crew of people who work here and they seem to find it an acceptable situation. Now having said that we're up in Canada eh! with all those communist tendancies, medicare, liberalism peacekeeper army etc. so it shouldn't be a surprise. ( joking, but not really!)
Great post, Design Junky... I couldn't agree more.
i'm all for children (even though i don't have any that i know of yet)...it's listening to those childless couples with dogs that i find annoying as hell
watch it puddles. i am part of a childless couple with a dog. i've got no problems with kids. i just chose not to have them.
i'm right there with you e... married, no kids, 2 dogs... one's 8 and the other is 1.5 years...
i've got no problems with kids... i just don't have any yet and maybe never will...
and if my friends with kids are going to talk constantly about their kids, why shouldn't we talk about our dogs... especially when the dogs act exactly like the children...
some of us are not able to have children (or choose not to), so why can't we discuss the cute things that our furry kids do when you're discussing the things that your bald kids do????
and your point is?
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