little baby harp seal walks into a bar...
bartender says "hey, little baby harp seal, what'll ya' have?"
little baby harp seal says "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks"
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that .. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now."
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So to the back fence they all went.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the Chicago contractor said, "$2700." The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.
Two friends, a wealthy man and a poor man, both individually out on the town doing their xmas shopping run into eachother.
"Hey John!", the rich man says.
"Eric! Hello. What are you up to a day like this?"
"Oh, just out buying some gifts for the wife. And you?"
"Yeah, me too. What are you getting her this year?"
"I'm getting her that new BMW and a very nice mink coat i found in that store down on 21st street"
"Oh?"
"Yeah, cause I'm thinking if she doesn't like the car she will atleast enjoy the coat. Playing it safe I suppose... How about you?"
"Ehr, well, this year I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo"
"A pair of slippers and a what?"
"a D-I-L-D-O"
"Yes, yes, I heard you. Nice... I guess"
"Cause if she doesn't like those damned slippers she can go f*** herself!"
speaking of pirates... This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"
And the pirate says... Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!
A grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender says,
"Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Jim?"
Two penguins are sitting on an iceburg, passing the time. One says to another, "Hey! It looks like you're wearing a tuxedo!"
The other replies, "What makes you think I'm not?"
There are three guys in a public restroom. A businessman, an environmentalist, and a cowboy. The businessman finishes up and goes to wash his hands using a lot of soap, water, and towels. He says "At HBS we learned to use all our resources to acheive the best results possible." The environmentalist goes to the sink and uses just a little bit of water and one towel. He says "At Berkely, we learned to conserve and use only what we need." The cowboy checks his hair in the mirror and says "I just don't piss on my hands."
A bear and a rabbit are crapping in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate getting poo stuck in your fur?" The rabbit says, "Ehh, I guess it's not that bad." The bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
A huge amount of money is riding on a particular horse race. A very wealthy man hires three people to predict the outcome of the race: a statistician, a veterinarian, and a physicist. After several days of work, the three return to the man with their results.
"I can predict the outcome of the race with a 77% probability," begins the mathematician, "having analysed the career histories of all the horses in the race, as well as the history of all the races at this track since records began. The winner will be Westchester Pillowfight.
"My results," says the veterinarian, "are based on a careful examination of all the horses. Westchester Pillowfight is very slightly halt on his left rear leg, and given the hard conditions of the track, is likely to pull a muscle in the first furlong. Given his muscle-mass, Grandpa's Grippers is much more likely to win."
The physicist smiles. "I can predict the winner with complete accuracy" he says. "We begin by presuming the horses are spherical and moving through a vacuum..."
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Two nuns are riding their bikes through an old european village.
One nun says to the other, "I've never come this way before"
The second nun replied, "yeah, It's the cobblestones"
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."
an architect, engineer, and city planner are sitting at lunch one day arguing over who created the woman. the architect speaks up, and tells the two that an architect had to have created the woman because she is pure beauty. he used his vast sense of design and creativity to piece her together, leaving her flawless.
the engineer then stood up and argued his own point. he said that an engineer must have made the woman because he had spent numerous years perfecting his equations to get her just right. every problem was foreseen and prevented through his years of knowledge.
so then the city planner of course gave his reasoning. he stated that a city planner created the woman because every inch of her was laid out perfectly. each piece of her was well though out to mesh with the next.
the architect looks over at the engineer and says, son of a bitch, it must have been a city planner. only a jackass like that would put a waste management plant next to a playground.
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
Post joke here ___________.
Of course I'm not nearly witty enough to begin this but I would like to laugh so all you lyrical archi-jokesters please post away.
are you implying that is a funny picture or are you trying to comment on his architecture?
funny picture of an architect....he's built more than me.
i think its a hilarious joke
-How did the stair joiner know he was close to being in trouble for his stair-making?
-He was told to tread carefully
Two peanuts were walking through a park.
One was a salted.
here is the cheesiest joke i have ever heard:
what do you call cheese that is not your own?
- nacho cheese
hokusai wave, a sphinx, and a speedskate drive into a garage....
mechanic looks up "you blew a seal"
sphinx wipes his mouth "no no it's just a thick thread"
haaah??? c'mon archi-check yourself it's the year of the dog
little baby harp seal walks into a bar...
bartender says "hey, little baby harp seal, what'll ya' have?"
little baby harp seal says "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks"
That last one was for Paul and Heather McCartney on their upcoming visit to our fine country...
"Yes Virginia, read a novel."
or
"What sphinx in here?"
"No doubt another Schlittenfahrt."
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that .. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now."
A duck walks into walgreens, grabs some chapstick, walks up to the check out and says "Put it on my bill".
know any good contractors?
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So to the back fence they all went.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the Chicago contractor said, "$2700." The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.
Have you seen the new pirate movie?
It's rated aaaRRRRRRR.
Two friends, a wealthy man and a poor man, both individually out on the town doing their xmas shopping run into eachother.
"Hey John!", the rich man says.
"Eric! Hello. What are you up to a day like this?"
"Oh, just out buying some gifts for the wife. And you?"
"Yeah, me too. What are you getting her this year?"
"I'm getting her that new BMW and a very nice mink coat i found in that store down on 21st street"
"Oh?"
"Yeah, cause I'm thinking if she doesn't like the car she will atleast enjoy the coat. Playing it safe I suppose... How about you?"
"Ehr, well, this year I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo"
"A pair of slippers and a what?"
"a D-I-L-D-O"
"Yes, yes, I heard you. Nice... I guess"
"Cause if she doesn't like those damned slippers she can go f*** herself!"
speaking of pirates... This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"
And the pirate says... Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!
The original:
Why are pirates called pirates?
They just aaaRRRRRRR.
3dG, you beat me to it - that's my favorite pirate joke!
The only joke I have so far is how much I have to get done before tomorrow at 2pm. But I'm trying to think of a better one.
what do you call a pedaphile pirate rapper?
aarrrr kelly.
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
A grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender says,
"Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Jim?"
Two penguins are sitting on an iceburg, passing the time. One says to another, "Hey! It looks like you're wearing a tuxedo!"
The other replies, "What makes you think I'm not?"
There are three guys in a public restroom. A businessman, an environmentalist, and a cowboy. The businessman finishes up and goes to wash his hands using a lot of soap, water, and towels. He says "At HBS we learned to use all our resources to acheive the best results possible." The environmentalist goes to the sink and uses just a little bit of water and one towel. He says "At Berkely, we learned to conserve and use only what we need." The cowboy checks his hair in the mirror and says "I just don't piss on my hands."
Dai walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says : "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
Bethan, who is lying in bed, replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
Dai: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
Baby Seal walks into a club.....
A bear and a rabbit are crapping in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate getting poo stuck in your fur?" The rabbit says, "Ehh, I guess it's not that bad." The bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
Druggies are standing at a corner of a street with a carriage. An elderly woman comes up and asks why the baby inside is blue. The answer -
Blue, blue. It's dead. That why it's blue.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
An Architect and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up
their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, the Engineer wakes his Architect friend.
"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see?"
The Architect replies, "I see millions of stars."
The Engineer asks "What does that tell you?"
The Architect ponders for a minute and then says:--
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically speaking , it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
The Engineer is silent for a moment, and then
speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "You drive. I'll man the guns."
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Fo' Drizzle!
how does snoop clean his clothes?
with bleeeeach!
Can we have some more jokes? - I have another wedding coming up and I need some material...
here you go:
'more jokes'
hahahahha
hmmm, I might use that...
A huge amount of money is riding on a particular horse race. A very wealthy man hires three people to predict the outcome of the race: a statistician, a veterinarian, and a physicist. After several days of work, the three return to the man with their results.
"I can predict the outcome of the race with a 77% probability," begins the mathematician, "having analysed the career histories of all the horses in the race, as well as the history of all the races at this track since records began. The winner will be Westchester Pillowfight.
"My results," says the veterinarian, "are based on a careful examination of all the horses. Westchester Pillowfight is very slightly halt on his left rear leg, and given the hard conditions of the track, is likely to pull a muscle in the first furlong. Given his muscle-mass, Grandpa's Grippers is much more likely to win."
The physicist smiles. "I can predict the winner with complete accuracy" he says. "We begin by presuming the horses are spherical and moving through a vacuum..."
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...
Man walks into a doctors,
"docor i cand pronounce my ephs or dees!"
Doctor replys,
"You can't say fairer than that then..."
http://archinect.com/news/article.php?id=36350_0_24_0_C
good laugh, this one ...
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Two nuns are riding their bikes through an old european village.
One nun says to the other, "I've never come this way before"
The second nun replied, "yeah, It's the cobblestones"
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."
(sorry, just got out of a meeting with one...)
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables, the bartender says "Don't you be startin' anything in here."
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why the long face?"
A pony walks into a bar, the bartender says "Whatsamadda with you?" The pony says "I'm a little horse."
A sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree? They're pretty good, aren't they?
What's sticky and brown?
A stick.
type failure in google search and se the first result.
an architect, engineer, and city planner are sitting at lunch one day arguing over who created the woman. the architect speaks up, and tells the two that an architect had to have created the woman because she is pure beauty. he used his vast sense of design and creativity to piece her together, leaving her flawless.
the engineer then stood up and argued his own point. he said that an engineer must have made the woman because he had spent numerous years perfecting his equations to get her just right. every problem was foreseen and prevented through his years of knowledge.
so then the city planner of course gave his reasoning. he stated that a city planner created the woman because every inch of her was laid out perfectly. each piece of her was well though out to mesh with the next.
the architect looks over at the engineer and says, son of a bitch, it must have been a city planner. only a jackass like that would put a waste management plant next to a playground.
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
As*h@le .
(Gary)
B*tch!
(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
(Gary)
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.
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