Double Fantasy, perhaps?

For a book, Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. About having an identity within a family and losing it, but still viewing it from afar in secret. Also about voluntary amputation, "getting rid of all this excess..."

some of palahnuik's novels

Hmmm, the first book that comes to mind is The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chobsky
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0671027344/qid=1132087900/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-4240363-2938416?v=glance&s=books

Musically, identity crisis? I'd go with Spiritualized "Ladies & Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space," and everything by Mogwai.

The literary adaptation of Legally Blonde 2.

And the soundtrack of course.

Handsdown the very best identity crisis music available.

been listening to Stereophonics - You Gotta Go There to Come Back

any one of those give words of hope?

ah, you need beck 'loser'...

hey dammson you dont have to get me anything...

Quadrophenia