Not good. This doesn't even succeed at stating your purpose.

The question: Why do you want to go to grad school?
Your answer: I like skate parks, and built a model of one.

So, why do you want to go to grad school? Pretend we know each other a little bit, and you're explaining this to me over lunch. Start informal and you can polish it later.

Write simply. Lose fluff.

I have a general structure that I was going for

P 1: Personal

P 2: Accomplishments

P 3: Why Grad School

P 4: Why specific Grad school

P 5: Conclusion

Attached earlier would be paragraph 1. 

Ultimately I have a lot to learn academically; program, design, technology, and critical studies (history and theory). I also yearn for the post grad responsibility. 

@midlander thank you for the response.

You're welcome - I was blunt but there is no reason you won't be able to write something compelling with a bit of work. The hard part is developing a convincing explanation of what you're looking for in the program.

It's unnecessary to plan a structure before you've developed the concept of what your purpose is. Just write one sentence (or two): why grad school. Once you've figured that out you can consider how to elaborate and build it into a more thorough statement. Plan to write a lot of bad ideas before you come up with a few that really express what you want.

The answer to that question is the essence of your reason for going to school, and is actually the only thing that will impress the readers of your SOP. So plan to start with it. You can worry about highlighting relevant accomplishments and personal strengths later - that's not what an SOP is about.

Incidentally, writing a good SOP is itself a feat of achievement for most architecture students and impressive to anyone evaluating your application.

My suggestion is to pretend you are having a conversation and simply answer the question as you would to any person who asked it. Have a friend help you out by asking this question, and record your spoken response. It won't have the formal quality of a written statement, but it will be a good start and the fastest way to sort out your thoughts.

I found the SOP to be the one part of the application process where I could really level with the admission committee as to who I was, in a more 'naked' method than the portfolio or additional/minor materials. You don't need to be so formal; I sat on a committee once as a student representative, and its appalling at the level of writing that is associated with statements along the lines of "Ever since..." "I've always been inspired by...", any use of the word 'passion', etc.

Screw that - its bullshit. Tell them who you are. Who you really are. Start to write in a borderline-manifesto manner. What you have currently is recycling-bin fodder, and you already know that because you suspect it enough to ask strangers on the internet if it's cheesy.

When you give a damn enough to write down your (well-thought-out) opinions of what architecture really means to you, THAT is when someone will take notice.

Really bad. No one gives a fuck about your childhood interests; you may as well write about how much you loved constructing with Legos. 

Ok alright I get it @placebeyondthesplines

I've been working on a new SOP. Its messy but and general at the moment, but I think its going to tie well with the school.

I believe we are on the brink of a new spatial reality. Over the past decade major advancements in computerized technology and methods of fabrication have redefined the discipline. As evidence, historical societies can be understood culturally, socially and economically through building and material usage. Examining the architecture of today, however, yields an uninformed result as current technologies have yet globally consumed. A future reality requires a cross of disciplinary platforms and the exploitation of fabrication methods. 

At this point I only have a few days left so I am just going to go with it. 

Do you read what you write?

Alright, another wise critic @bugsmetoo

What gives? 

It's a serious question because from a cheesy childhood story, you go into jargon nonsense that another person or ten will write. Gibberish like that is as common as the Lego story and much more irritating to read.

I don't know if you think this will impress anyone or just can't stand to delete what was written. I would prefer the skate park version because it's something original at the very least and sounds human. 

Why not cut the nonsense and make a direct statement about why you want to be at school X? Forget the personal bragging and long narrative that leads to no closure. If you're going to write something impacting, make it different and unique and rejected based on the reason that some reviewer understood you. Not because the words were annoying as hell to process and they couldn't get through a paragraph without a blood vessel clotting.

Appreciate your response @bugsmetoo

Maybe I should not post anything until I have a full draft.

This is meant as an intro and is not to consume the entire SOP with jargon. 

It may not be the most original content but its my interest.

There's really nothing wrong with your skate park idea but the style seems like what everyone else will write in. Some early experience, something lofty about passion for design, that relatively banal aha! moment, and so on. Yawn.

Try to write about passion without using the word (ever). Let the reader imagine it instead of telling them plainly. Let them figure it out for themselves because it should paint the right picture if done correctly. 

How about something geographically related @bugsmetoo

Applying to ucla... 

Los Angeles is a dense, transient, and international metropolis and at the core represents many societies. It is on the forefront of technology innovation and of digital medias. Ranging from large-scale openness to extreme density and populous environments, Los Angeles offers an endless atmospheric exploration. Further, Los Angeles diversifies itself through world-class architecture, such as the recently completed Emerson College by Thom Mayne. 

sk1922,

you're trying way too hard. It seems you are very worried about your ability to write a statement, and focused so hard on the writing that you're not giving any thought to the content.

Which is why I've said - and repeat - pretend you are having a conversation with someone who asked you why you want to go to grad school. I know you wouldn't say this kind of stuff to someone you know even slightly - it would sound absurd.

What you're posting is fluff - the kind of filler high-school writing assignments train you to produce to meet requirements for minimum length. None of what you wrote has any relevance to the question. Again, the implicit question is: what purpose will you achieve by going to grad school? This is the important thing, and the only thing you should be writing about if you have a deadline.

BTW - implicit in the question from the school's point of view is the question 'what would you contribute as a student.' They're not expecting you to solve the world's problems - they just want to be sure you have an interesting point of view and the skills to express your thoughts coherently.

So how to write this? To start, don't write an intro!!! Write a short statement of purpose - this should only be 1 paragraph. Once you write this, you can post it for comment. It's the only important part of the SOP, so it's actually the only part you need to write!

No one cares about your intro or the other filler you add. The admissions committee will ignore too unless it's amazing (or terrible). You can add an intro later if you have time - but if you don't have the writing skills to pull off an interesting intro you're better of skipping it entirely. Intros are always optional.

You're still trying to impress instead of tell who you are or what you want to do. What about Los Angeles or the area draws you there? You can like the place but you gotta back it up with more than fluff and namedropping. 

it sux.  do it over and lose the fluffy words. 

In its most basic form @midlander @bugsmetoo

I want to pursue a graduate degree in architecture to refine digital competency, develop cross disciplinary research skills and practice new directions in design. 

BTW I am very appreciative of your advice. 

As midlander said, you also have to include what you can offer to the school. No doubt you'll probably improve on all three things mentioned at the end but what do you bring to others and the profession?

well, if it is Columbia, just tell them that you want to " look beyond the brief" and create the architecture of tomorrow ........today.

Join the Navy, travel the world... You'll know how to write an SOP after that, and not give a shit about what people think...

This is a much better start. Now you can begin writing a draft, using the sentence above as your intro. So next explain what each of these 3 things is (a whole paragraph for each) followed by why you want to do each of those things. And then explain why you would be an excellent candidate to study those things.

^write the response to what I described above quickly - see what comes out in 1 hour. Don't be embarrassed to sound inarticulate or simplistic. You'll probably have about a page, and though not elegant sounding it will be a much better expression of you as a thinker and student than what 90% of applicants submit. This is the essence of a good SOP, and can be fixed up later with some help from others.

You keep writing broad truism's, I suspect to sound authoritative or wise beyond your years, but which are ultimately generic and meaningless.

I want to pursue a graduate degree in architecture to refine digital competency
- Thats fine; explain what you mean by competency.

develop cross disciplinary research skills
- getting vague; this is kind of expected in a master's program, otherwise why would you be applying.

and practice new directions in design
- too vague and meaningless. The whole point of going to a graduate program, again, is to develop a higher level of critical thinking and design skills. This is a given; if it's not, then you wouldn't be applying.

You're refusing to speak from the heart. Take a position like you give a damn!

On midlander's note about trying to push out everything in your head really quickly - that was the most helpful part for me in writing mine. I would also mention that I got a healthy buzz on for it, and then just pushed everything out onto the paper. Much came out illegible, and needed to be reworked and rearranged heavily the next day, but there was a clear position taken.
 

And, sk1922, the abrasiveness of this criticism is kinda what you should expect for the next 3 years when if you get into school. Don't stress too much, as long as your portfolio is good, you'll get into some programs.