As being someone thoroughly defeated, I don't really have much to lose.
Lately, I've been writing cover letters in a much more conversational (i.e., less formal, insane) tone. I'm not sure what good is this really with the hopes of attaining an actual job.
I think I mostly do it now so that the person hiring on the other end will have a good laugh because their lives have to be pretty miserable.
A cover letter I sent out today:
"Ms. -------;
I know I'm suppose to tell you my name, where I found your job and express my interest in said job. But, frankly, we both know I came from the internet. And the internet is a horrible place.
This is generally where I'm suppose to tell you how awesome I am, which expensive bad ass schools I've attended and how I spent 18 months making sweet non-penetrative love to a Xerox machine at Zaha Hadid's office.
However, despite going to an awful state school for a 7-year long liberal arts and working as a graphic designer, I can assure you I am still pretty awesome. At least awesome enough to make angels cry and have been able to soothe the fears of humanity held by unicorns.
I can pretty much sum up the entire reason as to why you should hire me:
Nå blir det andre boller å bake, sa bakern og dreit i ovnen -- Norwegian Proverb
This is the rough translation, "Now there will be different cakes, said the baker and shat in the oven."
I can pretty much promise you, unlike your other job candidates, that I can offer you different pretty cakes with out shitting in your oven. We both know everyone promises a lot. But how many of those employees with big claims have metaphorically shit in your oven?
You recently advertised that you are hiring for something. Whatever skills and qualifications are required are likely irrelevant and usually I just improvise most of the time anyway. I've worked before and frankly that should more than qualify me for this position.
I could spend the next 3 paragraphs describing my background and experience with inflated industry jargon as if slaving over red-lines for the last x-amount of years required some herculean super power that I alone posses. I could also make every menial accomplishment sound like an epic feat of ingenuity and willpower that could best be conveyed with a Oscar worthy short-film as only Michael Bay could produce.
Finally I could recount you with the litany of reasons why working for your office would make me swoon like a school girl at a Justin Beiber concert. Instead let's just cut to the chase. You need employees and I need money, because to be perfectly honest- I could care less about you or your office as this is the 78th resume I have sent out today. Let's meet tomorrow at a place of your choosing and work out the details.
In some regards, I do like the formality and rigidity of things like cover letters, thank-you notes and 'taking things seriously.' However, in other regards, I feel like the cover letter is an executive summary of your resume that's devoid of personality and entirely banal.
I've found some examples of cover letters written decades ago that read very differently from cover letters today-- let's just say they had soul and were bordering on the edge of outright begging.
But if a cover letter is suppose to be a gist of who you are and your qualifications, then I could trim my entire cover letter down to like 18 words:
1) Arrogant and full of 'quality' bullshit
2) Potential polymath
3) Culturally and ethically obscure
4) State school graduate
It also irritates me that few people know how to 'properly' format a cover letter! The headers alone take up half a page! If I properly format it, it leaves me with 2 paragraphs max.
No. I've been toying with the idea of applying for Danish citizenship but haven't done so yet til I learn enough Danish to score that extra 10 points for citizenship qualifications.
If I were hiring, I'd be interested. Someone with a sense of humour is better to work with than a pompous ass that thinks he's the king of architecture.
A friend of mine once landed a job by writing a cover letter that rhymed, for whatever reason...
Because of the recession, it's now far easier to land a position at my firm as an EU citizen [and all the rights that entails] than it is as a North American [or any other non-EU] citizen.
We're hiring, but it's extremely difficult for anyone not from the EU to get in due to the Home Office.
If you want to continue this further, let me know. Otherwise, good luck.
We received your resume, cover letter, and a box of cupcake shaped turds. A number of our employees are looking forward to meeting you in person in order to thank you for what they perceived it to be just plain chocolate cupcakes.
We will be serving 'food' during 'the interview', so we ask you to come in hungry.
one particular firm kept saying how awesome they were in their ad, and when i went to their website, it was a bunch of boring hospital interiors, so i told them they could really use more flair by hiring me!
... didn't work, architects can have a stale sense of humor
While I should take you for your curt reply, I must apologize for the cupcakes. When I was baking them, I accidentally substituted dog feces for chocolate as I got my grocery bag mixed up with poop bags.
Which is entirely uncanny because I do not own a door nor do I have a particular clue as to why I was picking up a stranger's dog's sidewalk mine.
However, I believe the dog in question did, in fact, have worms. I also used the 'chocolate' in the ganache icing and did not cook it to the required 165 degrees.
You can send me an invoice for the deworming of your staff as soon as possible. I need a invoice to process the request order for the forms that allow me to request forms for a purchase order. Once the purchase order forms come in, I will request a reimbursement to your office for said deworming.
You should expect payment in 6-8 months if you can get the invoice to me by 4:02 p.m. E.S.T otherwise your reimbursement request will have to be budgets for the Q4 fiscal quarter of 2013.
I am currently unavailable Tuesday as I have many pressing issues; namely, sitting around in my underwear, drinking cough syrup and watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta marathon.
Both Monday and Wednesday are also not good days as I have important meetings regarding pouting around an area Starbucks, chain smoking and wistfully looking at objects to project my profound genius to the people around me.
Perhaps the following Monday would be best for me. It would really give me the opportunity to prepare for the interview and meet-and-greet. I will really have ample time to stay in many Rockaway Beach-Brooklyn area motels and roll around around in bedbug-infested mattresses.
You can be fully assured that I will conveniently "forget" my thrift store bedbug-infested personal items in your office condemning you to months of unfathomable bedbug-related torture.
Clearly the subject line of this email indicates that I am one of hundreds of applicants interested in the low-paying position you currently are hiring for. I know you know this because this is probably the only part of my application package you can read on your iPhone. So before we move much further in this process, I am going to demand that you have the decency to review my resume and work samples on a screen that is at least larger than your venti latte and preferably something as large as your misinformed ego.
See, the thing is, I spent hours laboring over this application package, ensuring the graphic design was attractive but not flashy, the typography selections were unique but not obnoxious and the balance between visual content and written content was both visually appealing and provided a sufficient amount of information. It was designed to be read - explored - savored - and above all tell a convincing and compelling narrative about my experience and viewpoint as an architect. Condensing this down to a 2" screen has now made all of that effort look like a digital Monet painting, rendering the subtle use of varying weights of line and type totally illegible.
Let me ask you this Hiring Manager: Would you watch porn on your iPhone? Do you think that 2" screen would really allow you to enjoy every detail, every carefully chosen "money shot", every exorbitant facial contortion, every bead of delicious sweat to the full and utmost potential? It might get the job done but it's really not going to provide the whole lusty experience the way a 30" wide monitor (or projection!) could.
So Hiring Manager, are you looking to just get the job done? Well then, proceed with your iPhone and hire that candidate whose 14pt Arial nightmare that is legible on your iPhone screen, but don't come complaining to me in a month when Mr. New Hire just follows the same routine, flopping around like a fish out of water, and never spices things up around the office. If however, you are interested in a candidate that knows that in some instances, size really does matter, give me a call. First minute is free, $2.99 per minute after.
Sincerely,
Sep 30, 10 11:16 pm ·
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'Natural Langauge' in cover letters
As being someone thoroughly defeated, I don't really have much to lose.
Nå blir det andre boller å bake, sa bakern og dreit i ovnen -- Norwegian ProverbLately, I've been writing cover letters in a much more conversational (i.e., less formal, insane) tone. I'm not sure what good is this really with the hopes of attaining an actual job.
I think I mostly do it now so that the person hiring on the other end will have a good laugh because their lives have to be pretty miserable.
A cover letter I sent out today:
"Ms. -------;
I know I'm suppose to tell you my name, where I found your job and express my interest in said job. But, frankly, we both know I came from the internet. And the internet is a horrible place.
This is generally where I'm suppose to tell you how awesome I am, which expensive bad ass schools I've attended and how I spent 18 months making sweet non-penetrative love to a Xerox machine at Zaha Hadid's office.
However, despite going to an awful state school for a 7-year long liberal arts and working as a graphic designer, I can assure you I am still pretty awesome. At least awesome enough to make angels cry and have been able to soothe the fears of humanity held by unicorns.
I can pretty much sum up the entire reason as to why you should hire me:
This is the rough translation, "Now there will be different cakes, said the baker and shat in the oven."
I can pretty much promise you, unlike your other job candidates, that I can offer you different pretty cakes with out shitting in your oven. We both know everyone promises a lot. But how many of those employees with big claims have metaphorically shit in your oven?
Peace,
(my name) "
would work if you are applying to copywriting positions at ad agencies...
http://malecopywriter.com/
architects typically don't have a sense of humor.
Dear Hiring Person,
You recently advertised that you are hiring for something. Whatever skills and qualifications are required are likely irrelevant and usually I just improvise most of the time anyway. I've worked before and frankly that should more than qualify me for this position.
I could spend the next 3 paragraphs describing my background and experience with inflated industry jargon as if slaving over red-lines for the last x-amount of years required some herculean super power that I alone posses. I could also make every menial accomplishment sound like an epic feat of ingenuity and willpower that could best be conveyed with a Oscar worthy short-film as only Michael Bay could produce.
Finally I could recount you with the litany of reasons why working for your office would make me swoon like a school girl at a Justin Beiber concert. Instead let's just cut to the chase. You need employees and I need money, because to be perfectly honest- I could care less about you or your office as this is the 78th resume I have sent out today. Let's meet tomorrow at a place of your choosing and work out the details.
Sincerely,
Yes... exactly!
In some regards, I do like the formality and rigidity of things like cover letters, thank-you notes and 'taking things seriously.' However, in other regards, I feel like the cover letter is an executive summary of your resume that's devoid of personality and entirely banal.
I've found some examples of cover letters written decades ago that read very differently from cover letters today-- let's just say they had soul and were bordering on the edge of outright begging.
But if a cover letter is suppose to be a gist of who you are and your qualifications, then I could trim my entire cover letter down to like 18 words:
1) Arrogant and full of 'quality' bullshit
2) Potential polymath
3) Culturally and ethically obscure
4) State school graduate
It also irritates me that few people know how to 'properly' format a cover letter! The headers alone take up half a page! If I properly format it, it leaves me with 2 paragraphs max.
UG, do you hold EU citizenship, by any chance?
No. I've been toying with the idea of applying for Danish citizenship but haven't done so yet til I learn enough Danish to score that extra 10 points for citizenship qualifications.
Why?
If I were hiring, I'd be interested. Someone with a sense of humour is better to work with than a pompous ass that thinks he's the king of architecture.
A friend of mine once landed a job by writing a cover letter that rhymed, for whatever reason...
Because of the recession, it's now far easier to land a position at my firm as an EU citizen [and all the rights that entails] than it is as a North American [or any other non-EU] citizen.
We're hiring, but it's extremely difficult for anyone not from the EU to get in due to the Home Office.
If you want to continue this further, let me know. Otherwise, good luck.
It sounds better than generic cover letters.
Email'd. This is like Pavlovian conditioning! I'm salivating from anticipation.
Dear Unicorn Ghost,
We received your resume, cover letter, and a box of cupcake shaped turds. A number of our employees are looking forward to meeting you in person in order to thank you for what they perceived it to be just plain chocolate cupcakes.
We will be serving 'food' during 'the interview', so we ask you to come in hungry.
See you on Tuesday,
Sincerely,
Mike 'the skullcrusher' Toninni
haha i did some cover letters like this too!
one particular firm kept saying how awesome they were in their ad, and when i went to their website, it was a bunch of boring hospital interiors, so i told them they could really use more flair by hiring me!
... didn't work, architects can have a stale sense of humor
Mr. Toninni,
While I should take you for your curt reply, I must apologize for the cupcakes. When I was baking them, I accidentally substituted dog feces for chocolate as I got my grocery bag mixed up with poop bags.
Which is entirely uncanny because I do not own a door nor do I have a particular clue as to why I was picking up a stranger's dog's sidewalk mine.
However, I believe the dog in question did, in fact, have worms. I also used the 'chocolate' in the ganache icing and did not cook it to the required 165 degrees.
You can send me an invoice for the deworming of your staff as soon as possible. I need a invoice to process the request order for the forms that allow me to request forms for a purchase order. Once the purchase order forms come in, I will request a reimbursement to your office for said deworming.
You should expect payment in 6-8 months if you can get the invoice to me by 4:02 p.m. E.S.T otherwise your reimbursement request will have to be budgets for the Q4 fiscal quarter of 2013.
I am currently unavailable Tuesday as I have many pressing issues; namely, sitting around in my underwear, drinking cough syrup and watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta marathon.
Both Monday and Wednesday are also not good days as I have important meetings regarding pouting around an area Starbucks, chain smoking and wistfully looking at objects to project my profound genius to the people around me.
Perhaps the following Monday would be best for me. It would really give me the opportunity to prepare for the interview and meet-and-greet. I will really have ample time to stay in many Rockaway Beach-Brooklyn area motels and roll around around in bedbug-infested mattresses.
You can be fully assured that I will conveniently "forget" my thrift store bedbug-infested personal items in your office condemning you to months of unfathomable bedbug-related torture.
Yours forever,
The Unicorn
thank you for your curt reply, do not own a dog*
Dear Hiring Manager,
Clearly the subject line of this email indicates that I am one of hundreds of applicants interested in the low-paying position you currently are hiring for. I know you know this because this is probably the only part of my application package you can read on your iPhone. So before we move much further in this process, I am going to demand that you have the decency to review my resume and work samples on a screen that is at least larger than your venti latte and preferably something as large as your misinformed ego.
See, the thing is, I spent hours laboring over this application package, ensuring the graphic design was attractive but not flashy, the typography selections were unique but not obnoxious and the balance between visual content and written content was both visually appealing and provided a sufficient amount of information. It was designed to be read - explored - savored - and above all tell a convincing and compelling narrative about my experience and viewpoint as an architect. Condensing this down to a 2" screen has now made all of that effort look like a digital Monet painting, rendering the subtle use of varying weights of line and type totally illegible.
Let me ask you this Hiring Manager: Would you watch porn on your iPhone? Do you think that 2" screen would really allow you to enjoy every detail, every carefully chosen "money shot", every exorbitant facial contortion, every bead of delicious sweat to the full and utmost potential? It might get the job done but it's really not going to provide the whole lusty experience the way a 30" wide monitor (or projection!) could.
So Hiring Manager, are you looking to just get the job done? Well then, proceed with your iPhone and hire that candidate whose 14pt Arial nightmare that is legible on your iPhone screen, but don't come complaining to me in a month when Mr. New Hire just follows the same routine, flopping around like a fish out of water, and never spices things up around the office. If however, you are interested in a candidate that knows that in some instances, size really does matter, give me a call. First minute is free, $2.99 per minute after.
Sincerely,
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