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I want to be a great wife for an architect

Apr 16 '13 48 Last Comment
FutureArchiWife
Apr 16, 13 11:14 am

Hi everyone, Im from Colombia, Im 29 years old, I was looking on the internet about architect`s wives and their style of life or anything related, and I found 10 things an archi wife would never say ( some scared me, some I already know), I have been 4 years with my  boyfriend who studies architecture, he is an architect and nothing more!! 24-7 , 365 days . drives me nuts but im madly in love with him, he is 25 years old, younger than me. The thing is we are engaged, but he says we wont get married until he finished his career cause he wants to know and see if I can handle, if I  still want to be with him after all these years of career, his father pays for the university and everything related with it, and I work to pay rent , bills, food, clothes, health everything in the house, lately he has been telling me things that make me feel he is pushing me away, but im sure he loves me, I know he loves me , but I think he is afraid of the commitment, and also afraid of wasting more years of my life, he says things like , things will get much worse baby, Im gonna be busier and Im gonna have to travel a lot, and I wont sleep much, EVER! and Im gonna have to be away from home very often, so I tell him, if you dont love me just tell me the truth and I will go away, so he says no is not that, I love u more than I ever loved any woman in my life, which is why I dont want you to live unhappy next to me, You have no idea who you are going to marry, but I do, I have seen what these year have been like. I found a forum on this site wheere you guys discuss about the perfect wife for an architect, and I read stuff like the wife must have a passion for something, that she has to be just as busy as he is, thats the problem Im not very busy, my job doesnt involve a lot of time, I get paid in 1 hour what a normal person gets paid in a day im no rich thou lol cause anyway I cant work as much as I would like cause I have a 6 year old daughter from my first marriage. So the question is, is it really that bad? is it really that scary to live with an archi? I love him but he makes future look too sad and lonely for me, and it is too damn hard to even think about living without him and not sharing my life with him, I have even consider reading and studying on my own a little about architecture, so I can at least have a conversation with him cause architecture is all he can talk about even in our free time, it drives me crazy but I want to be his woman,, plus I have been through a lot of shit because of him  already and have given up so many things, friends and family and comfy because of him, because I give him everything I have, I dont buy anything for myself and I dont have any fun cause we only have my salary and is not enough to buy and have what women like to have. I can hardly afford my make up lol. So I have `` invested so much on this relationship that it is so hard to throw it all in the garbage, so I would like to hear advice from people that is married to an archi or from the same architects I dont know I just dont even have who to talk with about this cause I stopped seeing all my friends cause they interfered and didnt like the fact that I was working to support a man that doesnt even have time for me, they always told me to leave him, so I decide to quit talking to anyone that wants to interfere between him and me cause I dont mind giving him everything i got if that means that he can finish his career and be happy.

 

i r giv up
Apr 16, 13 12:26 pm

ahahahahahahahahaha

ogunedo
Apr 16, 13 12:35 pm

@FutureArchiWife

that's some passion you've got there. Even to the extent of joining the forum.............

I wish i had that kind of partner.....

Well my 2-cents :

1. You aren't doing anything wrong. As a matter of fact most architects pray for partners like you.

2. he isn't telling you lies about the busy schedule that lies ahead. Its a tough tough profession for most ( in the beginning) . It sure eases as the years pass by.

3. He would eventually have time for you and even the kids because he would most likely end up being his own boss which would allow him time with the family. This is usually from his early 40's upwards.

4.The conversations with him on architecture are lovely.....But you dont have to loose your identity just to please him. That may be counter productive because he may (as most architects always end up doing ) seek something other than architecture when they feel saturated and at times fed-up of the stress.

5. Architecture , isn't just a profession, but a way of life. In the end, all the training and handwork would make him into that person who you've always dreamt of ( not necessarily  financially), but someone with class, taste and an eye for detail (sensitive to your). Plus the extra bonus of always coming up with super creative ways to sweep his woman off her feet. Maybe not now, but with time........

 

In the end, its your decision. Talk to him about your fears. That helps too....

Wish you the best

 

Regards.

Donna SinkDonna Sink
Apr 16, 13 12:38 pm

DTMFA.

(Link not safe for all workplaces.)

Miles JaffeMiles Jaffe
Apr 16, 13 1:14 pm

I stopped seeing all my friends cause they interfered and didnt like the fact that I was working to support a man that doesnt even have time for me

Are you hoping that you will get different advice here, or that advice from strangers is somehow better than advice you don't like from your friends - people who know you and care about you?

I dont mind giving him everything i got if that means that he can finish his career and be happy

If he's not happy now what makes you think he will be later? Even more to the point - is it your responsibility to make him happy, or is it your responsibility to make yourself happy?

curtkram
Apr 16, 13 1:15 pm

sounds to me like his plan is to neglect you and probably cheat on you if you the opportunity arises.  it's hard to leave someone when they work for you and support you so you can follow your own whims.

architects are people just like any other people.  if this guy prioritizes his career and feels he needs to abused by an employer or work 16 hour days to prove his worth to someone else, i would not expect that to change.  if he feels like you're a low priority or not even worth considering as a priority at all, i would not expect that to change.  doesn't matter if he's an architect or a chemist or a welder; his passion is somewhere else and apparently not for you.

having said that, i wouldn't mind someone paying for my house and food and such.  you can walk my dog in the morning too if it's too cold for me.  just saying, you have options.

observant
Apr 16, 13 1:46 pm

1. You aren't doing anything wrong. As a matter of fact most architects pray for partners like you.

2. he isn't telling you lies about the busy schedule that lies ahead. Its a tough tough profession for most ( in the beginning) . It sure eases as the years pass by.

3. He would eventually have time for you and even the kids because he would most likely end up being his own boss which would allow him time with the family. This is usually from his early 40's upwards.

4.The conversations with him on architecture are lovely.....But you dont have to loose your identity just to please him.

5. Architecture , isn't just a profession, but a way of life.

1.  Partners - hmmm, you mean like a business partner??? (see the movie "American Beauty" of 1999)

2. Busy schedule, but no more or no less than in any other profession (law, medicine, etc.)  I would say that I worked 40 to 45 hours per week 85% of the time during my first 5 years.  Extra time, or "eating time," would not have gotten me ANY brownie points, so why bother?  I live for the weekend.  Many architects have other stuff they live for - a music hobby, travel, sports, exercising, golf, fine dining and alcohol, their friends and loved ones, or some combination of the above.  Without those other things, I would think someone is dysfunctional. (The alcohol comment does NOT apply to me ... I don't know all the "charm school" stuff that goes with ordering wine and such).

3. Actually, it could be the other way around.  It could get worse if he becomes an owner.  He should be seeing less hours prior to that stage, that's why many don't want it.

4. If you lose your identity, it means your self-esteem is questionable.  Sorry for the bluntness, but the fact that he is younger and the OP is slightly older with a child puts him in the driver's seat.  It seems like the OP know this, and is adjusting her life(style) accordingly.

5. Architecture is a career, not a way of life.  Then, on the other hand, the guy in the OP might not be such a great catch if he views himself as an architecture mercenary rather than an aspiring young architect with other interests, like the weekends.

Overall, the whole thing sounds like he is in the driver's seat (an education that for whatever reason is  viewed as impressive, age, lack of encumbrances) and you sound a little desperate to keep him.  He is dropping hints that you are not his first priority ... at all times.

jla-x
Apr 16, 13 2:35 pm

"I want to be a great wife for an architect"

This is the 21st century............................

Your first priority should be your daughter

then to yourself

be a "great mother"

a "great person"

Don't worry about being a "great wife" 

unless he is a "great husband"

and it sounds like all he wants to be is a "great architect" 

which is about as difficult as being a "great actor."

or a "great soccer player"

which means there is a good chance that down the road he will feel like a "great failure"

 the depression and self loathing that results will be a "great burden" to you and your daughter.

And you deserve more because you sound like a "great person."

Good luck!

Rasa
Apr 16, 13 2:45 pm

"I get paid in 1 hour what a normal person gets paid in a day"

Are you a stripper?

Spackle
Apr 16, 13 3:27 pm

lol...this is so ridiculous.

Mrs. Robinson,

Why don't you take the small fortune you make each day (stripping, drugs, trafficking, wall street...) buy some land and put an rfp for an architect. Encourage your aspiring starchitect boy friend to apply and promise him an unlimited budget and total control on design. Ensure him the job is his and that this is the opportunity that will set his career a blaze!

After a few suspenseful months, to his heart breaking surprise, you will break the news that you decided on BIG to do the job but there maybe an internship in it for him...

Fast forward 730.484 hours into the future...

The project is looking to be an international slam dunk. You spend many days and nights with BIG's top execs, having dinners, talking design and listening to proposals for new projects. One day, you pass your intern boyfriend / aspiring starchitect in the hallway at BIG and tell him "this is just so exciting! You and me forever baby..." and you thank him for everything. 

He watches as you turn and walk away. He can't help but notice how all the other men and women in the office do the same, turning towards one another and say "isn't she the best?!"...Then they turn towards your BF an issue a half smile. It's awkward. 

He goes to his desk and thinks about everything that has transpired in recent weeks, months...years. He feels like a damn fool for taking you for granted and is overwhelmed with love and hopelessness. He begins to feel lost and realizes the only way to right the situation is something he should have done a long time ago.

One morning you wake up and Herald is gone. In his place, one of those giant origami fortune teller things. You pick it up full of excitement. Unfortunately you are a bit on the slow side and get confused and almost break it.. You do a quick google, watch a youtube video and are back on your way... You discover it's not a fortune cookie at all but a clue!

You spend the day following a series of clues, such as instagram photos of you guys at your favorite bus stop and then that you really liked of him but he hated it at the park that one day...

You visit all of these places collecting clues. When you finally arrive at your last clue, you discover....

 

POPCORN! 

curtkram
Apr 16, 13 3:42 pm

i like where you're going with this spackle.  it didn't occur to me she could win the heart of her boyfriend by beating him at his own game.  just assure him the project will be his once you get financing and are ready to move forward; in the mean time you want to talk to him about it over dinner.  at a nice place.  at his cost.  all architects fall for that line.

gwharton
Apr 16, 13 4:01 pm

Don't listen to these fools denigrating your desire to be a good wife. That's an admirable aspiration.

As for being married to an architect, there are only three things you'll need to keep in mind:

1) There is no such thing as "job security" in this business

2) You will never live in a finished house

3) Give up all notions of being in charge of home decor

marmkid
Apr 16, 13 6:38 pm

it sounds like he just read the Fountainhead

Spackle
Apr 16, 13 7:43 pm

man i thought that was going to get a better response! 

I said POPCORN! Someone has to pick it up! 

This story needs an ending...who will carry that torch?!

rationalist
Apr 16, 13 7:45 pm

Clarify what you mean, he won't marry you until he's finished his career? Many architects work until death, so that would mean, he'll never marry you. Do you actually mean, until he's finished with his schooling?

Honestly though, I'm with Donna. Time to treat yourself better, and if he wants to commit to that great, and if not at least you're taking care of yourself.

Donna SinkDonna Sink
Apr 16, 13 8:15 pm

he says no is not that, i love u more than I ever loved any woman in my life, which is why I dont want you to live unhappy next to me,

What this means: "I don't want to be with you, but I also don't want to take responsibility for breaking up with you and making you sad, aka I'm not man enough to be honest with you. So I'm going to make you take the responsibility for the decision. Then I can feel an even stronger sense of being a martyr for my true love, architecture."

DTMFA.

Donna SinkDonna Sink
Apr 16, 13 8:18 pm

Bear in mind that none of us here is in any way qualified to give you advice based on the few hundred words we know about your situation.  But if your friends are all gone because of this guy, and they all know you, maybe you need to ask them what they see in your situation.

Also, I guarantee you there are architects out there who would treat you like a princess *and* still be devoted to their discipline. 

Josh MingsJosh Mings
Apr 16, 13 8:40 pm

Donna is pretty accurate with this. I strive for balance the best I can. Sometimes it works out, other times I've slept on the couch. I'm lucky that I'm at a firm that encourages a healthy work/life balance. Now, I'm just waiting for a lady to come along. 

observant
Apr 16, 13 9:18 pm

Here's another question the OP needs to ask herself:  how many 25 year old guys finishing up a college education want to walk into a ready-made family?  Nobody I knew.  It's not realistic.

Znaika
Apr 16, 13 9:42 pm

@FutureArchiWife- DROP him! He's sending you the clues but isn't man enough to tell you that in your face. You sound like a decent person and by the photo, good looking too. Find a man that will make YOU happy and not the other way around. 

Drop him. He's a manboy. 

Lionel Hutz
Apr 16, 13 10:56 pm

Il est préférable d'être la femme d'un grand architecte.

observant
Apr 16, 13 11:27 pm

^

Peut-etre.  Mais quelquefois n'est pas possible.

citizen
Apr 17, 13 1:54 am

Como se dice "troll" en Español?

vado retro
Apr 17, 13 7:43 am

the perfect architect wife is any wife with a trust fund.

Miles JaffeMiles Jaffe
Apr 17, 13 8:49 am

^ Those usually fly (privately, of course) in social circles that bring commissions from luxury residential clients and their foundations (think museums).

curtkram
Apr 17, 13 9:21 am

this girl may not have a trust fund, but she does appear to work hard and she gives up everything she has, including friends and her own enjoyment and her own security, to support her true love's desires.  surely that's good enough?

no, probably not.

Donna SinkDonna Sink
Apr 17, 13 9:33 am

Also, the perfect husband for an architect is one with a trust fund.  Just stayin' gender-neutral.

vado: I know you know that, I'm just reminding the youngsters.

tint
Apr 17, 13 9:56 am

What does he do for you besides 'be an architect'? Are you in love with the idea, or him?

observant
Apr 17, 13 11:48 am

@citizen:

"Troll" en Espanol?  No creo que hay una palabra; possibilmente "un irritacion."  Pero podermos dir a ella:  "! dejanos en paz y no romper nuestros cojones !"

Quirky threads make a good change of pace, every now and then ...

CrazyHouseCat
Apr 17, 13 12:06 pm

@ OP

Self-sacrifice for the sake of others who do not wish for it can be almost a cruelty.  While you are “sacrificing” against his wish, you are expecting him to return your “investment” in equal magnitude someday.  But he has clearly expressed that he would not likely be able to.  If you two stay together, you will increasingly put him in a position of owing you, and people hate that (more so if one is an egotistic architect).

If you give to him without wanting any return, then you wouldn’t have any problem with your current relationship or where it’s headed, no?  He has made it pretty clear what he is prepare to give you, which most people will find unacceptable, but it’s YOUR relationship.  So you just need to decide if that is acceptable to YOU.  Right? 

 

For the record, I’m not advocating for OP’s boyfriend’s behavior or relationship stance, or even his interpretation of what constitutes being an architect.  But he’s free to be the kind of person he is and OP must face the reality and chose to accept it or move on.
 

observant
Apr 17, 13 12:16 pm

I don't even think this is a REAL scenario.  She hasn't come back.

And she doesn't look like she's 29 with a 6 year old kid.  And he needs to lose that piercing ... it makes him look like a tortured artist.  Clients with money, or who are conservative, don't like that stuff.  You've got 15 seconds to make an impression, and if you're no architectural Mozart, then those accoutrements don't work.

curtkram
Apr 17, 13 12:25 pm

she probably hasn't come back because everyone is kind of harsh.  maybe she's lurking and just doesn't have a prepared response.  i don't think there is much one can say to respond to any of these comments.

i don't see anything particularly uncommon or unrealistic about this scenario.  though i would add to CrazyHouseCat's comment, it's not that the guy is 'unable' to provide more, it's just that he doesn't want to provide more.  i think the problem with the relationship as provided in the limited scope is that this guy isn't willing to put any effort, care, consideration, time, or anything else into the relationship.  as gwharton said, there is nothing wrong with this lady wanting to be a good wife.  it's the guy that's the problem.

observant
Apr 17, 13 12:59 pm

^

The guy is young.  If this is real, he should have never gotten into this kind of commitment and the ready-made family status is something guys that age don't embrace.  Some single men won't embrace it even later.  That's reality.

The other thing is that, for being on the cusp of 30 and being a mom, if this is real, she comes off more like someone who is prom age and in love with being in love.

They need to part ways and both of them need to grow up and become more realistic - he about the realities of being a starchitect and she about the realities of love and what a relationship that is on an even footing looks like.

citizen
Apr 17, 13 1:19 pm

@ observant

You're right, of course, that off-topic and quirky threads make life interesting.  And I certainly wish well anyone facing difficult challenges in their life.  My response above came after (1)reading all the detailed responses of folks who took the time to try and help someone they don't know, then (2) seeing that the OP --so eager to spill her guts at first-- appears now to be MIA.  Maybe I'm just getting cynical in my advancing middle age... but that's offset by the good feeling gotten from observing people trying to aid a stranger.

snooker-doodle-dandy
Apr 17, 13 1:41 pm

After reading all of that I have to go look at the original post.

grisha54
Apr 17, 13 1:41 pm

He has told you enough to know what you should do.  Now do it.  TURN, AND RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN FROM THIS SELF-OBSESSED MAN-CHILD.  The perverse notion of the genius starchitect has ruined the profession of architect and led to slave galleys full of CAD monkeys pounding away at keyboards so that some "great" man (or woman) can garner all the glory (quick...how many of Frank LLoyd Wright's protege's can you name?).  You are simply fueling the perversion by subordinating your own life to his.  Stop, go off and be whole, be a person with a soul of your own.  And never, ever think that sacrificing the fulfillment of your own happiness for the life of someone else is a noble endeavor.  It is a sickness. 

snooker-doodle-dandy
Apr 17, 13 1:49 pm

Scratching my head and wondering why this guy thinks he is going to be doing a lot of traveling.  Most people I know are stuck in front of their computer for years before they get a peek outside the office, let alone get to travel any great distance as part of a project assignment.

curtkram
Apr 17, 13 1:49 pm

25 isn't young.  neither is 29.  she would have had the kid around 23 if she's 6 now.  that's not all that young to start a family.

guys date girls who have kids.  didn't tom cruise date a girl with a kid in jerry maguire?  if it happened in jerry maguire you know it's common in real life.  also, mike brady married a girl that had a whole flock of kids. 

the girl's relationship with love could be examined.  that doesn't make it an unlikely scenario at all. 

i agree with your last sentence.  i don't think this girl would have too much trouble finding a better guy to settle down with.  i don't think the guy would have trouble buying a fish and watching it die from neglect.  or a house plant.  it's almost impossible to kill a philodendron.

maybe a real story.  maybe not.  either way, it is realistic.

short answer:

observant
Apr 17, 13 3:33 pm

curt:  I agree ... but BOTH of them should run ... from each other.

And those examples you mentioned are on-screen.  I didn't see Jerry Maguire because I can't stand Tom Cruise.  As for the Brady Bunch, they were both widowed.  If you read the background, even though it hailed from the 70s, there was some thought at making one of them divorced, but to fetch all the TV screens across America, they opted for Mike and Carol to be widowed.

As for the single dude with single moms, I can tell you that it is not as common as you think, even in cosmopolitan large metro areas.  The yuppified guys are holding out for similar educated child-free women.  The reasoning for the hold out is that you have to deal with an ex who is always in the picture, a kid who has a "real" dad and may even tell you that during an argument, a mother who will call you on it if you attempt to correct or discipline the kid even though you are effectively the in-home parent, and ... for the icing on the cake, you will be spending the rent/mortgage money and grocery bill money, to some extent, to provide for this kid as well.  In the big cities, this is a "no thanks" situation for many professional guys.

...tumbleweed...
Apr 18, 13 12:50 am

YES! to Donna's Dan Savage reference! I may have dated this guy, if not for the photo... of course I dated my "DTMFA" through undergrad and was still with him in grad school.

Me:  I'll pay for stuff, fund your lifestyle a bit, never see you (expected), you ran off all my friends because they knew you were a douche.  You wouldn't pull over to let me pee on car trips.  I had to pay for my birthday dinners, if I wanted to go out (even though he would go out with his school friends all the time).  I shopped and bought the groceries.  I worked in architecture 60-90 hours per week and still fed you and made you cappuccinos in the morning. I had to cart the  loads of laundry in the snow to the Laundromat by myself (even though only 1 load was mine).  He was sleeping with his "best friend" at school.  I should have run sooner.  Don't stay a day longer. 

I'm only sharing this because I wish I hand't wasted so much of my life with that guy. He was a controlling asshole with a pretty smile.  The gal who wrote this might not return, but  since other curious people might read this thread, I thought I'd share my bit.  

(PS: not an archinecteur).

Sergo Antadze
Apr 18, 13 5:21 am

Oh, just become an Architect yourself and warn him back that it would not be pretty!
and it really will not be pretty!
Trust me I am an architect and married to architect and architecture is the only thing we are talking about if we are not fighting, well… besides politics of course

bindunarayan
Apr 18, 13 7:39 am

Your desire to be a good wife is greatly appreciable, but make sure that your boy friend is also having the same level of desire to be a good husband. 

snooker-doodle-dandy
Apr 18, 13 8:43 am

Tumbles you still raising goats and making goat cheese?

observant
Apr 18, 13 12:03 pm

Wow, Tiko-G, an architect married to another architect.  I could never see that happening.  For some reason, girls in grad a-school didn't seem too interested in me while chicks while in the undergrad b-school were.  No problem.  Back to profiling, the only girls in grad school who made themselves available and were interested were in education, business, some social sciences, and law ... and had a sense of humor, instead of the uptight, depressed, and liberal solely to conform vibe found in many women studying architecture.  Considering some of the women who post on here, and their feminist views, I wasn't missing much.  That's another breed seen in a-school and which the guys didn't seem too keen on going out with.  Two architects under the same roof, as any more than friends who might be sharing a place in their early years after graduating, would be a pill.

I think this girl from the OP should move on.  I think she has ... at least from this forum.  Her whole approach was too sugar-coated and sappy for many of us to take seriously.

curtkram
Apr 18, 13 12:13 pm

i like liberal feminists.

your sense that people you meet are acting 'soley to conform' may be an inaccurate assumption based on your expectations of how you think people should be acting, in this case your expectation that women should be submissive.

observant
Apr 18, 13 12:21 pm

Well, I don't like them.

My expectation is that women should be feminine, not submissive, and "feminine" is something that is more of a gut feeling more so than something that lends itself to definition.  Conversely, do you expect men who are not somewhat masculine to have the same ease in procuring dates as a man who is more representative of his gender and its mindset? That will be a cold day in hell.  I have known many intelligent women, some in graduate programs, who were also feminine, refined, individualistic, and would bristle at the label or thought of being associated with feminism.  My attitude about feminists:  it's 2013, wage parity has been accomplished, med and law schools are running 50:50 M:F, quit bitching,  or go get a girlfriend!

Sergo Antadze
Apr 18, 13 12:38 pm

well.. Observant, I am just referring to myself, do not want to offend anyone, but women get reallyyyyy stupid when they fall in love.( and I am exaggerating it is not so bad really, if at least one of us has sense of humor) besides only architect can understand why his wife is not at home until 2:00 am. just make sure plotter is working when he calls. 

observant
Apr 18, 13 2:47 pm

Well, Tiko, I've heard the adage that "the only person who can (under)stand an architect is another architect."  I sort of agree with this.  I can't stand a lot of architects - mostly the kind who think their shit doesn't stink.  However, among my friends, I have some architects who are really smart, philosophical about life AND architecture, cultured, and the salt of the earth, who are real gems and who I feel lucky to know.  So, again, it all depends, but damn, there are some personae in the architectural educational system and in practice of architecture that are borderline reprehensible.

s=r*(theta)
Apr 18, 13 3:51 pm

when i was younger, i dreamed of being a husband to a pop star, but then i was succumb to a model; & im not peter cook

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