i think i used to be in a similar place. things change, though, and not necessarily because of anything you'll do right or wrong.

peace.

Well, that's a devastatingly frank and apparently honest self-assessment. It can be helpful just to put one's reality into words -- like making pro and con lists when trying to reach a decision about something.

It's been said that depressed people tend to be more accurate, more objective, in their view of the world.

If architecture is (has "always" been) a special interest, has been something you do well and (sometimes, at least) enjoy, then it may be wrong to think that you're in the wrong career. It certainly sounds like some classic symptoms of depression (dissociation; lack of affect; withdrawal) and there are therapies for this. Your doctor can and will prescribe medication to see if it might help -- he/she doesn't need to be a specialist.

I'm a victim of depression, and trust issues (I've learned) can date from very early experiences (ie, parents who ignore needy infants). It's not your fault -- but it's up to you to do something about it.

If late night walks feel so good, why try to "remedy" that ? Take whatever pleasure you can -- you (like anyone) deserve it and it's good for you.

Thanks for sharing your view. . .

Bright Night:

You are sadly uninformed.

I'll have a go at this:

You are in a unique place.

Indeed, so are we all.

Some existential trajectories go through ugly scenery, and it takes a little route-planning to get into brighter territories. Take some photo's while you're in the ugliness. They'll help.

Though the scenery is ugly it doesn't mean that you are.

Give yourself a little love. You'll look much better for it.

Go for whatever makes you smile. You'll find others smiling at the same thing.

Investigate your fears. They will make you stronger.

Ride a bicycle.

Harder Better Faster Stronger.
(work it) (make it) (do it) (makes us)


Whatever the disconnection is: negative response to familial expectation, asperger syndrome, fear of failure, or just coming late to the feast of life, good luck, and feast well.

You sound very, very lonely. What you write about above are the kinds of things people talk to friends about.

You may not like or trust people, but you need them, whether you like it or not. For employment, for services and sustenance, but also for companionship--you need some people in your life that aren't merely coworkers or sex partners. Friends.

I'd encourage you to do what does not come naturally, and find some people to hang out with. Will people disappoint you? Can they annoy you? Yes, and yes. Are people perfect? No. But an open and honest relationship with a friend or two can make the difference between merely existing and having a meaningful life.

Oh, and having friends is work. Which is why some people don't have them. But it's a false economy to completely forego love and relationship in order to save the effort of being considerate.

Noct.

A random word of praise out of the tubes you find refuge in, is hard to value.

I enjoy reading your poetic posts and im sure this angst you express has alot to do with that ability.

just dont cut off you ear and email it anyone.

i thought that picture would cheer you up, but it isn't the shape it's supposed to be...

You do sound a bit like Camu.

SH, are you talking about Colorado Association of Municipal Utilities?

or...

awe crap, I forgot the 'S'. Damn foriegn languages.

i read virilio's "a pitiless art" essay yesterday at work. i see his reading as decidedly and discriminatorily apocalyptic (the eventuality of happenings knows not this morally figured culmination) and this is made more acute whenever remedial measures are introduced; one senses even moreso the hegelianesque historical consciousness of tragic inevitability rather than the paradoxical conception of historical avoidability. i believe -and do not know whether/where this has been discussed elsewhere- that this awareness owes much to the constructs of ancient greek theater (and, more basically, to the oral tradition of retelling stories), morally cathartic in its reinstatement of fatalism ... in art-following-life fashion, per temporal structures of mimesis and, in life-following-art fasion, per mimetic structures of time.

now, in spite of all that, the significance he endows pity with is not without its touching grace. the imagined figuration of "remedial measures" (my god, our cadaverous history of avoided "remedial measures" (measures of avoidance)...gods and their deaths as the remedial measure... humanity and its death as the penultimate measure?) inside that idea dwells the princess-awaiting-her-knight. a before-time, a hopeful time.

but there is yet another grace, the brine-foam x-mermaid and the memory of her bleeding stumps. an after-time, a hopeless time.

i think humidity, per the above, loosened up my musculature to the point of guiltiless absolution (and a sweaty ablution). sex was a way of accounting for some kind of personal history...i was a christ tracing his own self-involved biological reification. the thinking head, lollipopping, lollipopping.

"sex was a way of accounting for some kind of personal history..." what a coincidence. this morning, while lying in bed alone, i was just mentally going through all the women i had slept with...

both paul virilio and jean baudrilliard are apocalyptic, but baudrilliard is a little more...there is no end even if it does end - The Illusion of the End....

the end happened already this is the post end period.

Existence -- the existence of anything and everything -- is absolutely non-essential and without meaning. It could all be a dream. Therefore, anything "good" or "nice" that happens is a pleasant grace. Enjoy what is good, endure what isn't, and try to do something rather than nothing (the only real gift of life).

whats wrong with nothing?

If less is more, nothing must be perfect.

Seriously, nothing is all there is -- so the things we find important are bonuses, gifts, plusses.

Don't be the man who won't take "yes" for an answer.