Things are getting really loose. We have design jobs but no continuity. We are doing some things wrong and no professional organization is taking a hold in the office/ studio/ shop/ live-in enclosure.. Celebrity accountant dropped me and clients aren’t paying since they haven’t billed. Place is a mess once more and I am seriously behind. Time to call Jaystein, my ass saving, hard rocking Jewish bro/lawyer.
-Jay o. Jaaay o.
Silence on the other end of the cellular.. Probably he is formulating proper word assault on me.
-Bismillah. What’s up Abby? T-square hurting your ass?
- Go right ahead fuckin’ ambulance chaser (even though he is a civil rights lawyer), I won’t tell your rabbi you jerked off in the synagogue bathroom.
*(Funny enough I am re-modelin’ the rabbi’s house on Beverlywill and he is a better person than the best imam I know, his son buys pot from Roman.)
To make the long compliments short, Jay advises me to get a job in some starch-kitects office and learn some bizness technology from their practice for few months. He is brilliant as usual. And sets up an interview for me to get a job in Layla Halid’s new Los Angeles office in Modea Dr., BH. Across from a Gem Kolhaas shoestore. I am applying for receptionist position mind you.. Layla herself interviewed me and gave me the job for some reason and, told me I’ll be making more money than all the architects working there including the job captain Daniel. Of course she tells me my job requires uppermost secrecy and I can consider myself her semi pimp.
Oo yea.. I am George. My fake ID tag. No last name..
My first day is spent writing three cease and decease letters to black clad markhitects who has been working there and obviously weren’t hip to her ways.. One of them cried and the other two asked me where the nearest state unemployment office was. Smart kids..
After few weeks, I learned about;
Never to let employees know how good they are, and communicate with them only through firing and hiring.
Always let your clients know you have soo many engagements and you are considering of dropping their projects unless they let you use their personal jet.
From Daniel, I learned how to project manage and write change orders, red line and etc,..
I caught few interns browsing and leaving messages in archinect. I told them to be careful, since Layla knows about this newspaper and she has been ‘your name’ a few times until she was banned.
I like her. She discusses barchitecture only with me when she is around. She even set up her desk in the reception area just to be near me. The other day, the Arrowhead water guy thought she was the receptionist, now, because of that we only get water from DWP.
Recently I asked her,
-Layla, why do you design?
She said,
-I don’t.. It is all about… Jihad..
For some reason, I don’t have to think about what she meant..
previous chapter:
abracadabra, faia gets a receptionist job in cognito in Layla Halid's office, the pretzel price winning architect, to learn the proper way of architecting.
EMPLOYMENT TEST
It has been a few months working as Layla Halid’s receptionist / confidante. I learned what there is to learn from her architecture office and told her that I must bolt pretty soon to apply the professional practice knowledge to my own gig. She said that would be fine and how much she valued my showing up in her life and how much I made the world a more beautiful place for her, and everything.. And, she asked me to come up with employee hiring test questions for her before I left for East Covina as one last favor. She told me to come up with questions that would give her an idea where the potential employee’s ass at.
so it goes,
L. Halid Assoc., Employee Rare Opportunity Test
1- You are ‘fired’ what would you do?
a-cry and call my parents in their yacht
b-loot/find an office electronic and leave
c-start a thread in archinect about your experience
2- How much money you have in your pocket?
a- 6.50 - 17.40
b-no cash money but some 10 $ rock bags I know I can sell.
c-My diddy’s corporate credit card and razor mobile
3- What can you do for Layla?
a-models and drawings
b-models and dodging
c-drawings and diving
4-Who is Abracadabra, faia?
a-famous janitor who suing David Childs for copyright, from the jail.
b-Sports great who is in jail
c-A literary figure posing as an architect who is in jail
5-in which building you would want to fart?
a-FOG proposal in Jerusalem
b-FOG proposal in Panama
c-FOG proposal in Spain for a hotel
6-Which section of Archinect you spend most of your time at work?
7-If Layla hands you a paper with a dot on it and says 'thanks', what would you do?
a-ask her what it is for
b-tell her the dot on it is so beautiful and say ‘wow maam i get it’.
c-crumble it and throw in the trash and say, ‘you are welcome. that was a three pointer’
8-In 2003 which hotel sued Rem Tolhaas for doing away with the
embossed towels and a pillow?
a-motel 69
b-motel 8
c-hotel California @ La Brea
9-Do you think Layla is beautiful?
a-yes she is indeed
b-yes yes she is gorgeous
c-oooh yea there is nothing tells me she is not a looker
10-How many days you plan to work here?
a-at least 12 hours
b-more than 12 but not to exceed 40
c-as long as she loves me, and I know that could be up to 200 hours.
11-Layla is looking at your drawing what do you do?
a-stand up 6 feet away and sway left to right in my all black outfit
b-stand up 8 feet away and sway back to front in my all black outfit
c-sit on a stool 12 feet away and play pack man on my pocket computer in my fancy graphic lovers t-shirt which I won in a design contest.
12- It is Monday morning and there are 5 new hires in the reception area., and you have been working there almost 80 hours, a senior position, which hire you pick up to clean your computer and shine your shoes etc.,?
a-the one with mini skirt
b-the one with crack pipe neckless
c-three of them for no particular need
13-It is Saturday and Layla asks you to score some coke for the office, do you mark it up?
a-fuck yeah
b-no, it is for the entire team
c-I tell her I couldn’t score much, and there is just enough for me and her
14-Who invented the wheel?
a-California
b-Layla
c-Bruce
15-You are stranded on an island with Layla, how would you treat her?
a-make her design/built a primitive hut and tell her it looks like shit
b-tell her, she’ll always be my boss and her boots are made for walkin'
c-do a ‘swept away’ thing but catch the plane.
There are no correct answers. Except to question # 9. Good luck and remember to be fired on time..
We talked about the food and, naturally, how much money he makes. Not much he said. That’s why he is doing jewelery and wrist watch gigs so he can finish his new house etc..
I asked him a few questions for a Turkish tabloid.
- When building in other nations, you must have to accommodate other cultures and needs. How much time is spent researching and analyzing a proposed site?
- it depends.. if we have the site map, we send an intern to take pictures. Sometimes I go to meet the money man. Why study the culture? All they want a Frank Gehry building personally designed by me.
- So true.. What words of wisdom do you have for any aspiring architects?
-You should look at the music of life, instead of other architects, to find out what to do. 'The music of life' is a phenomenal design and exceeds the ability of any other architects' work because nobody has yet captured it exactly right. Don't look close to you, look far away from you to get your sources of inspiration and your targets for your career. It is not going to be near at hand. You don't look at Frank Gehry's glass project in the magazines. You [should] look way out like 50 - 100 years out. You will see it, it will be out there, whatever it is that is going to inspire you, motivate you, and teach you. It is out in the music of the spheres, rather than in the magazines.
- What about Istanbul?
- Oh yea, I am moving here. It is challenging. They don’t want another Bilbao, but I heard that one before, so I am keeping my fingers cross, pardon me, I am keeping my fingers crescent. Hehe.. Belly dancing is my inspiration. I don’t care, as long as the fat lady belly dances I am okay..
Next day it was a headline on the tabloid, gecce.com
*Translation “ Famous architect Frenk Gerri is in love with a belly dancer and moving to Istanbul and she ain’t fat..†with a picture of frank and an unidentified belly dancer photoshopped together.
Frank called me the other day saying a big ‘fuck you abra’ and I’ll never work in Los Angeles anymore and I can consider myself a cadaver, etc..
I am looking at the ceiling and the telephone rings. Zrrrn..
-Yello abra spoken..
-Hello Mr. abracadabra, my name is Sonya Gonzales, I am calling from California Architects Board..
Pleasant voice but I jump ahead thinking,
"Ohho. The check i sent to them bounced, and, they either want formal explanation or surrender ‘the stamp’.."
She continues,
-Sir, you have been selected to ‘serve’ in a California Supplemental Exam ‘panel’ known as ‘oral exam’ for the state licensure of architects. You are required to report at Motel 6 in No. Passedina at 14:00 hours next Saturday for orientation with others and basic panel training on Sunday after that you will be administrating the exam for the candidates which are going to take place following Monday and Tuesday.
No shit. This panel is no fire rated drywall panel man.. But the Motel 6, serve, report at 14:00 hrs?? Wtf..
-Why me?
-Sir it is a lottery system administrated by Consumer Affairs. You’ll be receiving the instructions and the location map soon.
-Wait miss, I am in rehab.
-That’s okay sir many panelists are.
This thing in the Mo-tel is gonna be weird..
So I show up, meet the other former three martini lunchers, and they train us on what to ask and how to ask, and how to score. I am not familiar with this kind a scoring..
Door opens and the usher introduces the candidate.. His nahme ist Daniel Libskin.
He does not know any of us 3 panel jury.
I fire the first question..,
-Who’s your daddy?
-Mick Jagger.
Wrong answer but we make him feel he is right.
Jack, next panelist who had too many martinis at free lunch brake asks,
-As a project manager, would you inhale?
-Sir, as a project manager I only deal with needles.
Tough call. I score him 50/50.
Marty asks another question,
-What did brick say to Matta Clark?
-…..cut me if you can?
Bingo. He asks permission to go pee and he is unaware of the hidden cam in the bathroom. And, boy does he have balls the size of a basketball..He shoots up in the foot real quick, and hides the equipment in the pullman cabinet.
he comes back and asks for a bud-light..Jack gets one from the minibar.
I ask,
- The building you are designing is crooked, and the client asks you to straighten it up in dd phase, but refuses to pay extra design fees. What do you do?
- Customer is always right.. we do it as a minor change directive. However, we tell the client this will be additional 6 hours of delay to the project delivery time.
He is getting better in his responses. He asks to pee again. This time he snorts coke in the bathroom from the the little bottle attached to his neckless under his tee. While he is doing that we take swags from Jack’s pint of Kamchatka vodka..
He comes back like speedy Gonzales which we know why.
Q,
-If the times are hard, would you work as a taxi cab driver?
A,
-Sure. I believe it is also good for getting potential clients sir..
Another hit on target. Mofo knows all about professionalism. This guy is a seasoned operator. few more questions about shear walls, Santa Ana winds, vine country, CNC machine maintenance and homeland security..
-Last question mr skin,you are adding a bathroom to Governors guest house in Malibu, a coastal zone, and contractor found a dead body under the slab. What do you do?
-I follow the industry standard sir. That is, we rebury the body under next empty lot at night and place the new goddamn slab next day. Life goes on..
Since the exam is over we ask him to hang out with us and party, thinking he might have his stash available to us. He politely declines and goes to bathroom to pee and picks up his his little bag and comes out and says “adios amigosâ€.
He is a passer..
jolly old fun. found a very good local to act as my after hours library[who ever heard of school or public lib's closing at 8:00?-even ikea stays open till midnight!] to do lots of reading over a pint or 2 of guiness. well it has force me to spend my book budget in the first 3 weeks.
archs around the country may laugh but i do know a fellow in the mid 70's that went to a motel6 like venue to do is california 'orals'. its something california does differently for licensure.
Gotic becaurse back then floors was halve meter solid stone not lazy vaste of materials ,back then there was no sad accounting as with today's lame pseudo high-tech just lookalike's Na back then quality and crafts was the issue --- or do our postmodern structures last even 30 years, if you say yes, you never seen a vorn out highrise.
Zaha are wrong she proberly "could" but don't know what fantastic options ,real new digital building methods bring ,she maby and proberly could decide and form fancy structures with 3D-H and they would be swell, but basicly the mix of angled and square fit bad with the organic shapes, --- Still I bet even you, don't want the jobs, the new technikes the progress, any new technike or material would mean within architecture -- read the houses we live in, the houses that can be made at a third the cost . But if you occupy an outdated attemt to make the old rigid way's go digital ---- as brutalism wasn't brought in from the back door how difficult can it be to realise, that methods avaible a 100 years ago do not mirror the innovative aproach , to realise that computers are the only tool to bring it ; then don't spend your time on the old applications and nippicking do some drawings for somthing that can be build. -- Then forget about those sad Icons what architecture need are somthing quite else.
What we need is not Icons but nice houses at a third the cost four times as strong, just a trust in future remember.
i am listening ‘heY mambo, mambo italiano’. Telephone rings.
- heY,avra.. avracadavra..
a business woman on the other end,
- i like that..dead man dancing… oprah winfree calling.. proah enterprises..
- is this live?
- nope.
- sorry. i don’t diet..
- that’s not what i am calling for.
turns out, she wants to pay me hourly to giddyup the exterior of her new mansion in californyeah..
So i went to job site meet her and the original architect who told me to be nice and that was that.
next day i sent my construction document to her leaving the existing design as a reflection on the swimming pool. two hours later the o. architect called me that he wants credit for the core and shell.. why the fuck not..
two mounths later oprah told me she enrolled in sci arc's home study degree program.
if thom mayne doesn’t happen, i am on the standby to oprah show next week..
working drawing of oprah winfree's house, hocus pocused.
*core and shell by others.
well, either i think she's look'n for you to take him on as a underpaid intern or perhaps she's intrested in you plan stamp'n the buggers makerover. or maybe as his lover was lost in the tsunami, he aint stepping in that tremblim state.
brad: yeah oprah its undulating and shiny
oprah: you mean like a titanium memory stick?
brad: yeah you should see the one we are cooking up for jennif...i mean angelina down at frank's office.
oprah: burp
knife set has arrived with bonus solid flavor injector and the extra steak knives before the christmas.
a personal note attached by ron 'pitchman' popeil himself, " abra, you must tell your community of architects,
my next product is going to be 'just design it and forget it', and i will pitch it for 4 easy payments of
24.99, just under 100.00$".
what the fuck has he invented now? i decide to give him a call to get to the bottom of this.
-hey amigo, whats this 'jd' it and forget it?
-actually it is a version of my early invention, the veg o matic onion slicer, "Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm going to show you the greatest design tool ever made...
All your designs chop to perfection without shedding a single tear."
-you mean...?
-thats right abra, ideas will go in and design will come out, in a nut shell. it is all i can tell you right now about the device.it will be sensational and under 100 buckies.
my wife and daughter assisting me on the infomercial in their revealing bikinis. we are already shooting it on an empty lot near my house.
- how could you man? it took architecture many centuries to produce 'open plan' for example. even computers can't do what you are pitching..plus, you'll be sued by aia..
-aia my hollywood ass abra. i am america's best inventor. all the house husbands and their working wives know me.
this invention is for people. in goes design ideas, out comes blueprints. under 100.. and watch me, i will throw in my drain buster too.
-does it involve shipping containers?
-fuck yeah. it comes in a beautiful aluminum tool box with 25 year warranty if thats what you call a container..
-no, but thats even better..thanks for talking to me ron, i know you're a busy man.
-be careful with the knives abra, don't bone any architects, thats going to be done by my girls..grrahahaha.
-had a boy popeil..just set me to forget architecture..
i was approached by a well known editor to send my picks for 2005.
turns out to be said editor sold my article to a russian newspaper and took a trip with a spoiler integrated cruiseship to dubai.
here is a copy..
The bests;
Best terminology i learned from my friends at aamco transmissions across the parking lot;
CB’s = come backs (repair job returned by a dissatisfied customers)
YOYO’s = yoyo (a customer who brings the repair job back every other day for something or another)
Both no good for the mechanics.
Worst built auto transmissions according to pepe, david,kamal and shorty at aamco, unanimously;
Ford (watchit)
Best would be a puzzle thread in archinect discussions section and get around 9-10 responses and go away within half a day.
What’s this to YOU? (name of the thread)
The opening post;
This is the google view of Truth and Consequences, NM,
I see a teapot innit. What do you see?
And while at it, can you see something in Intercourse, PA? link
*choose satellite option and zoom in, on the subject matter.
The best would and can be Guggenheim museum after FLW’s. link
best ‘Wow, bingo’, for would be modern furniture designers, heavy metallers and plasticians; link
my best and most traveled interstate highway, the first 15-20 miles of it eastward. it is called the Christopher Columbus transcontinental highway here, but they call it sonny bono memorial freeway around palm springs, and ‘papago’ (go papa go), around phoenix. link
best or worst architectural dilemmas by an otherwise hardworking talent, I’ve seen the pictures of.
(this category would include some detail photos of rick moss’ culver city ‘city’ project but they were removed from the internet, thus no pics of doublehung windowed skull and leaning, ‘/’, columns)
abracadabra, faia,
my best chance for getting sued by OSHA’s ‘the whistleblower program’ link,
for unfair treatment of otherwise innocent people through some badass literature. My defense strategy as drawn by jay (my lawyer), is going to be around ‘I am not guilty’ plea.
one of the best places to visit on this world;
(a little partial on my part) link
best opportunity to show some humanity, missed by an accidental governor to secure some political gain in his circles. link
I just got an e-mail from somebody I haven’t met. I am just
re-broadcasting the letter to be on his good side.
Hi Mr. La Habra,
I am writing this letter to you because I think you’d agree with me.
My name is Fountainlad and I am a visionary architect living alone on God’s mountains and working out of my cabin/studio I built myself. Long ago I used to work for high-end real estate Design Center in NYC.
Anyways, the other day I saw a photo spread in the newspaper about a condo hirise designed by a middle eastern architect calling himself ‘El Calatrava, King of Arabesque’.
Well that’s just goddam too bad, go back to Dubai man, because that building idea is stolen from an earlier sketch I had for N.Miami City Hall which almost got build in 2001. Part of that project is a public art included in architect’s design scope and I designed it to go along with my building.
It is an artificial oasis of 3-4 feet long hollyhock plant like crystal cubes stuck on #10’s like marshmallows with phosphorus dayglo material. I am not a fancy graphics type and I am attaching a drawing of the City Hall landscape idea which I had to draw with my foot, since I temporarily lost some motor ability to use my hands after that explosion of a dishonest building I hated in downtown Wacko at the time. If you agree with me, like I expect you to, would you please publish it in the newspaper your cousin is working at, so the whole world knows who the real McCoy is?
Thanks in advance for the favor and consider yourself safe.
Fountainlad, Architect.
Ding dong.. e mail alert while teaching my dogs autocad..
From: Susannah Mennah
Subject: Your Services..
Looks and smells like the latest internet virus. But too late. Click..
Dear Abra Cadabra,
I am writing this e-mail to let you know that I fell in love with Oprah’s remodel.
(she knows archinect..hmmn..)
We have a mid century Mediterannean we‘d like to add to.
I was wondering if you have some time next week to meet us? If so please call me at my upclose and personal line xxx xxx suzy
Ciao.
S
Yeehaw..
Fuck’n prank for sure..
Why the hell not, at least I’ll laugh and that will increase my happiness percentage..
So I call..
Lady’s voice
-Al-lou.
-abracadabra, faia alloo..
(below is a rapid ‘o’ deal, I made)
-Oh yes. Ofcourse, I love your work and would like to ask you if you can design a master bedroom wing for us?
-Sure..
(end of deal..)
She continues,
- The existing estate is 20,000 sq ft but doesn’t have a big master bedroom. We are cramped in 1500 sq ft bedroom and would like to expand another 2000 sq ft or so.
(Wow.. The wealthier version of HBO’s adult series’ characters.)
-Where are you located maam?
-Near Las Vegas. I can arrange the plane and the limo.. And you can call me Susannah (oh Susannah don’t you cry for me I come from west Covina etc, etc..)
I take the next plane to Vegas which is every 5 minutes, first class with real peanuts.
A blond limo driver with generous portion of her upper body exposed greets me at the airport. She turns up T.Rex ‘Get it on Bang a gong Get it on’ and I gulp two ultracets (read, pain killas) with my own saliva. As she pulls in the porte coshere (a covered driveway if you will), someone with short pants opens the door for me.
The place is as big as Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion where I installed pinball machines when I was working for AD Electric ‘t’ears ago..
Yessir, as I was hoping, this place ‘is’ a Beverlyhills warehouse and Susannah is the Blond Nordic Goddess, BeNGuess for short..
She,
-Would you like to get a massage and relax before Jed joins us?
I look at the near naked masseuse and say ‘qui’. We go in to a furry room. She works on me, because of the pills, nothing happens.
Jed has a San Fernando Valley* long hair with a pony tail and baseball hat. And that’s about it..Not much else.
He,
-Hey you must be the deZigner..
Marking his territory and wanting to prove in front of his wife who the boss is. I think he is a temporary Jed, not even a real hubby. Then he proceeds to grab Susannah who is wearing a black mini hose dress with Prada hi heels, kisses her dispassionately and gives her a pat on the ass saying ‘hi honey’, all in front of me.
She is utterly embarrassed in front of a talent from a noble art. I bet you, she is the real boss and he is just a big nobody trying to sway his capital around..
They already ordered a 18’ x 18’ bed which Sealy is custom making for them,
-Why the bed is so big?
I ask that with Scarface accent to show him I am not some kind of Ikea installer and I want to know everything that goes in that bedroom, I am hired to design.
He looks at me like whaat.. Shut the fuck up ‘arab’.
He doesn’t know who I am, but she does, and I don’t think Jedbo knows who Fountainlad is either. And I don't think he has read anything other than the gutter (a minor tabloid comes with toilet paper purchase).
He says,
-I got to go. Later dude..
He is out so fast.. she looks at me like, don’t worry he won’t bother you again..
Fuck yeah, she is the empress with a tax relief husband..
will abra pull a FLW?
Will he go commando under his cape?
She is way into the abra-motion – what will abra come up with?
That 18’x18’ bed, Crib style with padded headboard Nice!!!
“Sealy custom†with hydraulics recessed into the floor way to take advantage of the tight space.
As I am reading the global warning part of 30% off grand refrigeration sale ad from Sears, telephone chimes twice (T-Mobile).
I grab the Nokia, thinking that this might be the badly needed potential client of the dry summer.
Nope.. It’s my friend and spiritual adviser Donna calling from south of France where she and her family spending the summer in their close friend famous song writer Vado Retro’s beachfront custom pimped trailer home with iconographic details on it.
“Hey Abra, how’s the global warming treatin' you, haha? I hope you don’t mind me quoting a dream with you innit...â€
See, thats her. She already knows what I am reading.
“What dream? Where?â€
Donna,
“New York Times. Check out the Art sectionâ€
"Of course I don't mind D"
Sure enough, it was in, ‘the interviews with architects; studio 54 sessions’ section on the front page, upperfold.
Dr. Nicolai Ousoroff – “it is said that you use dream analysis method in your design process, is this true and if it is, can you give a sample how this process works, because if I think it is good, I am going to suggest it to Frank Gehry who is looking for new ‘departures’, if you will.â€
Liberty Bell (name of Donna’s firm) AIA - “Jeepers, that is correct Nick. For example,
last night I dreamt that abracadabraFAIA presented a fully constructed modular-component but super, super cool house inside the main entry of SCI-Arc. Now I've never been to SCI-Arc so I have no idea what that space might be like, but I can honestly say Abra's design was amazing and tight as all his work is,and hey, it was MY dream so that means it's actually MY design, right?!? Unless Abra was beaming to my brain, which could well have been the case.â€
Dr. NO- “wow.wow. cool, cool. abracadabra, faia... I’ve read about him in the Bible…â€
Donna- “Probably you have. He is in Quran too.â€
That is soo interesting Donna.
Because when I was a student @ Sci arc, 1978-81, my friend Eric and I got this trailer and parked on a planned 8' offset axis from the center of the school entrance opening to give it some architectural prank. It was a little commentary on Thom Mayne, Eric Moss and Coy Howard’s studios who were the prizmacolor pencil post moderns at the time.
We plotted political insurgency from the trailer and started a group called ABC which was sounded like we named it after the anarchist movement of early 20 th century (that is what we told to people but ABC really came from abracadabra/chavkin/bayer).
abra, when are you gonna beam into my brain while i'm sleeping?
funny that archinect has so deeply settled into liberty bell's subconscious that she dreams about it. actually, i had an archinect show up in a dream once, i think it was wonderk & i believe it was about her being an alien or something odd like that. my therapist has me keep a dream journal, so maybe i'll dig that entry up and share it...if it's nothing too weird/creepy
^^ it is a developing story, we'll revisit. right now, we're waiting for custom 'Sealy' to arrive (it is quite a project to move the 18'x18' bed inside). drywall is done. ;.)
Thanks abra!!! And you know if I was in the south of France I would absolutely be thinking of and then calling you because it is so glam yet authentic there. Like a super cool authentic modular trailer house at SCI-Arc, how did I know that was your idea?!? You really did beam to me, good thing I am receptive to genius even though I'm not one myself.
Where is the headquarters of ABC now? It could park on that 18x18 bed, you know!
Those were the good ole days when the students, led by Ralph Mursina, revolted and took over the school. I thought the Joker was ABC's headquarters. Just think, perhaps a manifesto at SCIArc today.
…t to go. Later dude..
He is out so fast.. she looks at me like, don’t worry he won’t bother you again.. Fuck yeah, she is the empress with a tax relief husband..
(Will continue)
The OASIS
The tax season is came and gone and the dude from San Fernando Valley, the tax relief hubby, is out of the zip file into the trash…The noble architect wins this one… Temporarily of course. After the Certificate of Occupancy, abracadabra, faia knows he’ll move on to newer adventures. Breaking out from Susannah’s Desert Oasis and causing no heart breaks on the relationship that was based on AIA B155 to begin with.
Just to let you imagine the magnitude of the design work in ‘the Oasis’;
I’ve changed the shape of giant Sealy bed to elliptical…
Need I say more?
I didn’t realize the elliptical Sealy bed took so long to fabricate… But that worked out all the better.
Here is a brief, in the mean time, from episode 27.
I love the word.. Episode.. Episodal… Global. Basketball. Bounce back and kiss my ass ball… ball breaker, heartbreak hotel and the rest.
I added all glass detail in the bedroom addition where the custom bed goes into.
Susannah changed her hair color for the summer to brown or black I can’t really tell. The blond nordic goddess turn into cleopatra in a jiffy.
After the final inspection, there was a 70’s party in the bedroom with all the desert dwellers and the whole bash was on all the flat screens in the compound and the internet. I kind of left the party opting for some piece of mind and watching HGTV urban design related programs.
Thank you though, just that, umm.., I am not interested in this shop talk parties anymore... No, not this time. It would have been nice when I had nobody in my life.
Finally;
Seven months of hard designing, constantly changing positions of the bed. Making difference.
Like from ‘Oasis to Oasis’…
No offence to rest of the people who are working at FOG Associates as an architect already. Some probably would love to have my job, or were dreaming of it.
I got an interesting job from a French business called Louis Vuitton & Sons. They said they choose me over the French candidates because I was a well seasoned Turkish dick-head that could easily kick some butts in French side of things too. Interesting job indeed. The task previously didn’t exist before. They want it happily edgy and frank. Kind of cumbersome job but let’s see what’s going to be at the end.
I was to be embedded as a ‘design critic’ in FOG Assoc., with their co-operation and fair willingness. Frank Gehry has accepted the deal because they hinged some publicity thingyblizz on it. He will bill the French for a reasonable fee of 1500 $ per hour he spends with me so I don’t feel hanger on-ner.
It was for one particular project, and my job definition said, that, it was for the duration of the design conception and initial development. Perhaps, a couple of months at the most, time wise.
I had an all points pass to anything might happen in the office, regarding the ‘Clouds’, including one to one and design team crits with award winning people. At the end, I gave them a 60 page story with my own pictures of how their project came to a being and how it was looking at it from the other side of the camera. All this for 40K and loyalties if it is ever used in other publications or promotions.
They are planning to publish it in a book form, in the edition of 1000, to be distributed to top Louis Vuitton customers after the building is built.
It is sure to become a collector’s item.
~~~
For me, the most interesting part of my job was, not everything I said had to do anything with architecture, which made people extra alert each time I opened my mouth, ie;
“where is the bathroom dude?â€
“hmmm.., let me think about that sir†and handing me a sketch with bathroom location on it.
Like, if Frank has to bent down to talk about a model that ‘he’ designed, I can ask him something stupid like,
“Hey Frank, did you ever farted during a design presentation?â€
And if he says, “fuck you abra, what a fart has to do with what I am showing you now?â€
I can say,
“Well, nothing Frank. Just curious. Jeezuz.â€
Or, I can ask, like I did the other day,
“hey Frank, did you think more about what we discussed last night in the studio regarding Louis Vuitton cloudies?â€
“Fuck yeah. You got me thinking and redesign the whole cumulus thing by whistling from that Elton John song. I like it and that’s what the kids were waiting from me. Nobody really liked it before. I heard some intern threw a beer can on it. Do you want to go get some steak dinner at the Pacific Dining Car?â€
“I’ll pass, Frank. I’ve seen enough of your face todayâ€,
“Same hereâ€.
~~~
Client signed me and Frank under separate contracts. So I don’t work for Frank O. Gehry Associates.
My title is;
Embedded Critic. I don’t design anything, I just talk whatever. We talk about space and girls, a lot. He is so confident about space but feels shy when it comes to women.
~~~
Back to work.
The other day I asked him, when we were alone, to point out to me 10 obviously shitty spaces and details on the model of the project.
He came up with 8 in a jiffy and I had one too, which was like, “why I couldn’t think of that†type, but opened doors to at least two dozen more potential fuck ups.
“They can fix that†he said. I believe him. But I said,
“Few are inherit in the get go Frank, and I believe you have to live with itâ€.
He said “that is the saddest partâ€.
I saw some innocent tears building up in his eyes momentarily before he burst into a laughter saying, “I have done ‘um all, fuck yeahâ€â€¦
Freeing himself from guilt. I don’t blame him.
~~~
I asked if he was still inhaling?
He said “I can’t deal with all the people aroundâ€. But he made a date with me, that we hit it tomorrow night, when the studio is blocked to everybody else except us, to get mildly high and look at some work. As he lately start to feel buddy buddy with me, he has been showing me other projects of his too.
Frank has fast eyes and speedy analyzing ways. An extremely fast logical guy, he is genius level. He figures many things like simple parts he used to put together in his 2 x 4 days. Very hands on. He is more like an action architect. He wants to roll down with his lines. While he rolls, the plan is figured too. All the staff and associates have to do is, to build up that moment and make it ready to get Frank do his thing.. They analyze and preset the conditions. They take a lot of time prepping. That involves hundreds of people, consultants and developers, etc,. All this prepped up for the day Frank does his thing.
He always comes through and he is endlessly flexible. The rest is usually the challenging part of resolving the Frank’s roll.
“Yeah Frank.., roll the fuckin’ dice dude, its giving people the alzhiesâ€, I told him the other day, talking about the Las Vegas hospital job and noticing he is spending too much time on it.
~~~
I talk to one of the kid who started working there last year. Pretty and determined to become a job captain next couple of years.
She said the office is her dream came thru from the ivies. Frank was so nice to stop by the other day and asked her, who she was, and told her good luck and welcomed her to the firm. She asked me, who I was and if I was a documentary film maker. She said there is something like that going on every day. But they usually work with Frank and others in the firm are just worker bees. “Photographers, crews and producer typesâ€, she said “looks down on themâ€.
“No. That’s not me. I work for the client doing the clouds for the French clients. My job is to be his critic for few weeks.â€
She said “WOWâ€.
~~~
The other day I got Frank to look at my work on clients time.
(Thanks Frank, that means a lot to me).
However, then he looked at me saying,
“your buildings are better than a lot of stuff but you’ll never get the big budgets. Muslim architect? Though fuck. Not in this town mister. I told you that in Istanbul remember? And, by the way, I am still pissed off about the belly dancer thing you set me up with.†(see episode # 21 ‘Achtung Frank)
I was hoping that, maybe, he was going to throw a bone my way. A small project, that if he says so, clients will accept me. Maybe like a little house on a nice lot with good budget where I can also show my mastery to upper echelon.
But no. It isn’t.
He says,
â€I'd love you to write a ’funky’ book on my late projects.
I’d like you to make fun of them, show my funny side, I can take it, I am fuckin’ Jewish.â€
“I didn’t see it yet, but didn’t Pollack Sydney do that already?...
I tell you what.., Frank,.. You are funny and all that. But I am not. I’ll do a book for you, that will be the first book on you, written by a guy who doesn’t like your every fart and I would include some stinkers along with best that you can offer.â€
“Fair ‘naf, he said. He is a big man.
He didn’t blink at 45K.
Just to cover my ass, I told him Jay will send him the contract. And, this will have no bearing on our on going project for Louis Vuitton deals.
Next day I broke the news to Jayski, my friend/family/confidante/ lawyer,
“ Abra, fuck you first, not calling me to set the deal, and, congratulations for getting twenty times more than what I think you are worth in writing projects.†Just like that. In one sentence.
Asshole Jay, he knew if he said 10 times, instead of twenty, that would make me feel like a winner for a change. But of course not, that would perhaps soften his grip on me as my business manager and the superior being in all things except what I do with my work, which he secretly and loyally likes.
~~~
Back to the book.
At the end, after negotiations with his wife, we came down another five and Frank agreed to a pay plan; 40K plus a framed and signed napkin drawing (for Jay). That will be (a)okay for me to finish the whole thing in three months with no rewrites unless I want to (b)with a professional editor his people pay for and (c) be picked up by his driver for the outings to local work sites / meetings and (d) two first class trips to his out of state projects.
Unspoken, we both feel that Vuitton is paying for the book as well. Who knows, maybe FOG billing me too, under different expense. Who knows? Projects this size, you have different people signing checks for different things.
Jay is going to make sure he pays on time, whether he likes it or not.
In a favorable paragraph in the book I wrote, “Frank’s work is like a Jean Tinguely with the void parts moving, creating the wind, taming the metallic sounds of the siding and finally becoming the sketch. That personal.â€
A money shot paragraph I‘ve agreed under last minute pressure both from Jay and Frank.
wow- what a great magic trick! you've earned your [i]nome de plume[/im of abra!
In the 30 day's I languished in the FOG modelshop, frank never even blinked in my direction, let alone acknowledged my existance. maybe that's why I think he's full of farts too.
that book fee should cover a few rounds of scotch at the pacific dinning car.
So how can we archinectors get our hands on a copy of the book?
This architecture is not for me but I'll do it with a branding iron. Whoa.
As the young interviewer setting up her camera crew and checking the mic, I am sitting on a thin gauged metal stack to be used in the construction of my new prefab home line I have designed for Wal Mart Real Estate Division. Wal Mart RED.
She looks too young to have a critical view on modern architecture and its' new real estate sales motivated darling called 'prefab'.
WM RED paid me considerable cash to put them on the map and on the foreground view for the consumer eye. We are to compete with various home grown brands that are doing a lot of business noise with their manufactured home designs that look like anywhere from million plus dollar modernity style to ‘mixed feelings budget style’ for the masses. They are outfitted to attract the kind of people who think, living in one of them is a good karma because of the soybean content on the insulation.
These are mainly designed with swell magazines of the world in mind. Versions are endless depending on how your desert acreage is situated or how close you are to big foot territory where the wild beasts roam.
please click the model you like
My job as defined by RED, is to give a kick to that so "I hate you" Mc Mansions that Wal Mart wants to sell to their regular customers who think they are gorgeous. Showing and shoving to the world we are one mart under the capitalist God no matter where the big box is located.
C'mon in and get your 3 + 2.5 flatpack and no payment until next year with three thousand dollars cash allowance. These homes are loaded, if you order in next 12 hours you get a free sexy decorator with 50% off on furniture. Wait, that’s not all, you also get a free juicer. And your matress is freeee...
...My interviewer dressed like Ugly Betty who is beautiful and the producers who are sitting on the high director's chairs behind the camera wearing pleated pants and ironed blue jeans. I am told this will be aired on WAL MART TV Network after they edit for possible bugs which might take two to four weeks depending on how much secondary meaning I am able to sneak in.
Ready-set-action, quite on the set.
She asks the first question with her voice trembling with nervousness in front of a superstar like myself. Ahem, ahem.
- Mr. Abracadabra, how do you define residential architecture of today?
- It's not about what you call architecture. But it's about how much profit you can bring in investors pockets and home owners self worth and buying power, personal wealth. And if you can make them a little more attractive and sexier until after the photo shoot, you can add that into the sales price and feed the Kitty by buying a full page add in the Zine who publishes your product under the disguise of intellectual property and innovation. It is not as exciting as one might think, most designs are generated with 3D max type of rendering programs you can special order from Office Max. Do you know what that is?
- I do. My boyfriend is a cadmonkey.
- Tell him to call me.
- Mr. Abra, I know it's a bit personal but, how do you make your legendary design decisions?
- I use to ask King of Soul but RED doesn't like the 'S' word around their guaranteed products, it's a company policy. Black is not new RED. Got me? I mean, if you have to make design decisions all the time, that means you have no clear idea and clients don't want to see that in someone they are paying inflated design fees for the fame factor. I have decoded their mindset 100K ago. Oops, I am not suppose to talk like that. Scratch it will you? I love my clients, this is team work, they have been great. At the end of the day, this has been a good partnership. We are a growth industry and we seek integrated solutions. This is a value added win win situation for us... Outside the box all the way... I mean, I left my heart at Wal Mart and everything...Bla... There.
- How about telling us what's good with prefab design movement?
- It is really a chick magnet. I realize this is not politically correct thing to say but since I started to mention that I work with prefab home design systems, women have been chasing me down to welding shop. These days I wear large sun glasses and trucker hats when I walk the puppies.
Another good thing about prefab is, they picture well with almost any point 'n shoot camera and publish in one afternoon. There are writers who have customizable prefab article templates which you can purchase on the internet. You want to say something on top of the green material list which is always a good sales pitch these days, you know.
- And the bad?
- There is nothing bad with RED signature series. Price is right. And that is what matters the most.
Other brands lose their value in half, upon the purchase, just like the cars.
Missing parts is another issue. This company forgot to pack the kitchen and the new owners got obese by eating out and munching saturated fatty foods and died in cramped bedroom trying to fuck. It can get tricky with all the loose screws and packing. Anything can happen and that's exactly what we are trying to avoid with our line. It is a dangerous business. Another big problem is local building departments who often view prefabs as motor vehicles and send the designers to the DMV for a plan check. Like these guys, who were asked to include signal lights on the product and get a license plate. True story.
- Hahaha
- Hehehe
- My last question mister. Do you think this will be a lasting trend in housing?
- No. And, yes. I heard Toyota will be coming with prefab homes in two years called 'Garwondler 1' designed by a talented American group, which will truly revolutionalize the field and make the current efforts look like Sears storage sheds. But you didn't hear that from me.
~~~
Few months later;
WM RED is doing so well, they are purchasing all other prefabs to dismantle and recycle the metal to make fondue sets. Auch...
abracadabra, faia
Land of Reenactionary Architecturism
two days of silence 2005
death of Flavia Julia Helena Augusta
24-25 July 326
Episode 19
08/22/05
abracadabra, faia
I SPY.
Things are getting really loose. We have design jobs but no continuity. We are doing some things wrong and no professional organization is taking a hold in the office/ studio/ shop/ live-in enclosure.. Celebrity accountant dropped me and clients aren’t paying since they haven’t billed. Place is a mess once more and I am seriously behind. Time to call Jaystein, my ass saving, hard rocking Jewish bro/lawyer.
-Jay o. Jaaay o.
Silence on the other end of the cellular.. Probably he is formulating proper word assault on me.
-Bismillah. What’s up Abby? T-square hurting your ass?
- Go right ahead fuckin’ ambulance chaser (even though he is a civil rights lawyer), I won’t tell your rabbi you jerked off in the synagogue bathroom.
*(Funny enough I am re-modelin’ the rabbi’s house on Beverlywill and he is a better person than the best imam I know, his son buys pot from Roman.)
To make the long compliments short, Jay advises me to get a job in some starch-kitects office and learn some bizness technology from their practice for few months. He is brilliant as usual. And sets up an interview for me to get a job in Layla Halid’s new Los Angeles office in Modea Dr., BH. Across from a Gem Kolhaas shoestore. I am applying for receptionist position mind you.. Layla herself interviewed me and gave me the job for some reason and, told me I’ll be making more money than all the architects working there including the job captain Daniel. Of course she tells me my job requires uppermost secrecy and I can consider myself her semi pimp.
Oo yea.. I am George. My fake ID tag. No last name..
My first day is spent writing three cease and decease letters to black clad markhitects who has been working there and obviously weren’t hip to her ways.. One of them cried and the other two asked me where the nearest state unemployment office was. Smart kids..
After few weeks, I learned about;
Never to let employees know how good they are, and communicate with them only through firing and hiring.
Always let your clients know you have soo many engagements and you are considering of dropping their projects unless they let you use their personal jet.
From Daniel, I learned how to project manage and write change orders, red line and etc,..
I caught few interns browsing and leaving messages in archinect. I told them to be careful, since Layla knows about this newspaper and she has been ‘your name’ a few times until she was banned.
I like her. She discusses barchitecture only with me when she is around. She even set up her desk in the reception area just to be near me. The other day, the Arrowhead water guy thought she was the receptionist, now, because of that we only get water from DWP.
Recently I asked her,
-Layla, why do you design?
She said,
-I don’t.. It is all about… Jihad..
For some reason, I don’t have to think about what she meant..
Episode 20
09/06/05
abracadabra, faia
previous chapter:
abracadabra, faia gets a receptionist job in cognito in Layla Halid's office, the pretzel price winning architect, to learn the proper way of architecting.
EMPLOYMENT TEST
It has been a few months working as Layla Halid’s receptionist / confidante. I learned what there is to learn from her architecture office and told her that I must bolt pretty soon to apply the professional practice knowledge to my own gig. She said that would be fine and how much she valued my showing up in her life and how much I made the world a more beautiful place for her, and everything.. And, she asked me to come up with employee hiring test questions for her before I left for East Covina as one last favor. She told me to come up with questions that would give her an idea where the potential employee’s ass at.
so it goes,
L. Halid Assoc., Employee Rare Opportunity Test
1- You are ‘fired’ what would you do?
a-cry and call my parents in their yacht
b-loot/find an office electronic and leave
c-start a thread in archinect about your experience
2- How much money you have in your pocket?
a- 6.50 - 17.40
b-no cash money but some 10 $ rock bags I know I can sell.
c-My diddy’s corporate credit card and razor mobile
3- What can you do for Layla?
a-models and drawings
b-models and dodging
c-drawings and diving
4-Who is Abracadabra, faia?
a-famous janitor who suing David Childs for copyright, from the jail.
b-Sports great who is in jail
c-A literary figure posing as an architect who is in jail
5-in which building you would want to fart?
a-FOG proposal in Jerusalem
b-FOG proposal in Panama
c-FOG proposal in Spain for a hotel
6-Which section of Archinect you spend most of your time at work?
a-discussions
b-salary polls
c-rita novel’s links
7-If Layla hands you a paper with a dot on it and says 'thanks', what would you do?
a-ask her what it is for
b-tell her the dot on it is so beautiful and say ‘wow maam i get it’.
c-crumble it and throw in the trash and say, ‘you are welcome. that was a three pointer’
8-In 2003 which hotel sued Rem Tolhaas for doing away with the
embossed towels and a pillow?
a-motel 69
b-motel 8
c-hotel California @ La Brea
9-Do you think Layla is beautiful?
a-yes she is indeed
b-yes yes she is gorgeous
c-oooh yea there is nothing tells me she is not a looker
10-How many days you plan to work here?
a-at least 12 hours
b-more than 12 but not to exceed 40
c-as long as she loves me, and I know that could be up to 200 hours.
11-Layla is looking at your drawing what do you do?
a-stand up 6 feet away and sway left to right in my all black outfit
b-stand up 8 feet away and sway back to front in my all black outfit
c-sit on a stool 12 feet away and play pack man on my pocket computer in my fancy graphic lovers t-shirt which I won in a design contest.
12- It is Monday morning and there are 5 new hires in the reception area., and you have been working there almost 80 hours, a senior position, which hire you pick up to clean your computer and shine your shoes etc.,?
a-the one with mini skirt
b-the one with crack pipe neckless
c-three of them for no particular need
13-It is Saturday and Layla asks you to score some coke for the office, do you mark it up?
a-fuck yeah
b-no, it is for the entire team
c-I tell her I couldn’t score much, and there is just enough for me and her
14-Who invented the wheel?
a-California
b-Layla
c-Bruce
15-You are stranded on an island with Layla, how would you treat her?
a-make her design/built a primitive hut and tell her it looks like shit
b-tell her, she’ll always be my boss and her boots are made for walkin'
c-do a ‘swept away’ thing but catch the plane.
There are no correct answers. Except to question # 9. Good luck and remember to be fired on time..
whoa..it is not my ashes in there. thanks margarita..
Thank goodness my conscience is now clear. And these days you can call me Proof Rita Novel. Tedious is as tedious does.
rita, looks like you gathered a lot of forza, should i evacuate or ask layla to handle?
just chill
darlin' it is not my fault ED Mcmahon choosed me to do his portrait, how can i chill..
Don't worry, you're always a winner!
"Turn on the quiet."
touch it up a few notch dude, its only chinatown.
Episode 21
10/06/05
abracadabra, faia
ACHTUNG FRANK..
[per essere Costantinopoli o essere Istanbul
(to be Constantinople or to be Istanbul)]
10;am. We are in Istanbul. Under the first suspension bridge that connects Asian and European continents, Ortakoy on Bosphorus. It is a clear October day not unlike you would experience in Rose Café in Venice, CA.
I am with Frank Gehry, a Pritzker prize winning master architect from Los Angeles. We are drinking tea and just talking.
- shalomun aleykum frank.. What are you doing here?
- meraba abra. Hey, it is not my first time here dude, got a project going in Beyoglu. Turks are tough costumers, always late and wanna re negociate the fees each time they send a check. It is like pro bono work for the born again Constantinople.
- Achtung Frank, Istanbul.
We talked about the food and, naturally, how much money he makes. Not much he said. That’s why he is doing jewelery and wrist watch gigs so he can finish his new house etc..
I asked him a few questions for a Turkish tabloid.
- When building in other nations, you must have to accommodate other cultures and needs. How much time is spent researching and analyzing a proposed site?
- it depends.. if we have the site map, we send an intern to take pictures. Sometimes I go to meet the money man. Why study the culture? All they want a Frank Gehry building personally designed by me.
- So true.. What words of wisdom do you have for any aspiring architects?
-You should look at the music of life, instead of other architects, to find out what to do. 'The music of life' is a phenomenal design and exceeds the ability of any other architects' work because nobody has yet captured it exactly right. Don't look close to you, look far away from you to get your sources of inspiration and your targets for your career. It is not going to be near at hand. You don't look at Frank Gehry's glass project in the magazines. You [should] look way out like 50 - 100 years out. You will see it, it will be out there, whatever it is that is going to inspire you, motivate you, and teach you. It is out in the music of the spheres, rather than in the magazines.
- What about Istanbul?
- Oh yea, I am moving here. It is challenging. They don’t want another Bilbao, but I heard that one before, so I am keeping my fingers cross, pardon me, I am keeping my fingers crescent. Hehe.. Belly dancing is my inspiration. I don’t care, as long as the fat lady belly dances I am okay..
Next day it was a headline on the tabloid, gecce.com
*Translation
“ Famous architect Frenk Gerri is in love with a belly dancer and moving to Istanbul and she ain’t fat..†with a picture of frank and an unidentified belly dancer photoshopped together.
Frank called me the other day saying a big ‘fuck you abra’ and I’ll never work in Los Angeles anymore and I can consider myself a cadaver, etc..
Like I didn’t say ‘ACHTUNG’ in Ortakoy..
sweetness...it's back...this has made my day
Episode 22
11/14/05
abracadabra, faia
"CSE duty"
I am looking at the ceiling and the telephone rings. Zrrrn..
-Yello abra spoken..
-Hello Mr. abracadabra, my name is Sonya Gonzales, I am calling from California Architects Board..
Pleasant voice but I jump ahead thinking,
"Ohho. The check i sent to them bounced, and, they either want formal explanation or surrender ‘the stamp’.."
She continues,
-Sir, you have been selected to ‘serve’ in a California Supplemental Exam ‘panel’ known as ‘oral exam’ for the state licensure of architects. You are required to report at Motel 6 in No. Passedina at 14:00 hours next Saturday for orientation with others and basic panel training on Sunday after that you will be administrating the exam for the candidates which are going to take place following Monday and Tuesday.
No shit. This panel is no fire rated drywall panel man.. But the Motel 6, serve, report at 14:00 hrs?? Wtf..
-Why me?
-Sir it is a lottery system administrated by Consumer Affairs. You’ll be receiving the instructions and the location map soon.
-Wait miss, I am in rehab.
-That’s okay sir many panelists are.
This thing in the Mo-tel is gonna be weird..
So I show up, meet the other former three martini lunchers, and they train us on what to ask and how to ask, and how to score. I am not familiar with this kind a scoring..
Door opens and the usher introduces the candidate.. His nahme ist Daniel Libskin.
He does not know any of us 3 panel jury.
I fire the first question..,
-Who’s your daddy?
-Mick Jagger.
Wrong answer but we make him feel he is right.
Jack, next panelist who had too many martinis at free lunch brake asks,
-As a project manager, would you inhale?
-Sir, as a project manager I only deal with needles.
Tough call. I score him 50/50.
Marty asks another question,
-What did brick say to Matta Clark?
-…..cut me if you can?
Bingo. He asks permission to go pee and he is unaware of the hidden cam in the bathroom. And, boy does he have balls the size of a basketball..He shoots up in the foot real quick, and hides the equipment in the pullman cabinet.
he comes back and asks for a bud-light..Jack gets one from the minibar.
I ask,
- The building you are designing is crooked, and the client asks you to straighten it up in dd phase, but refuses to pay extra design fees. What do you do?
- Customer is always right.. we do it as a minor change directive. However, we tell the client this will be additional 6 hours of delay to the project delivery time.
He is getting better in his responses. He asks to pee again. This time he snorts coke in the bathroom from the the little bottle attached to his neckless under his tee. While he is doing that we take swags from Jack’s pint of Kamchatka vodka..
He comes back like speedy Gonzales which we know why.
Q,
-If the times are hard, would you work as a taxi cab driver?
A,
-Sure. I believe it is also good for getting potential clients sir..
Another hit on target. Mofo knows all about professionalism. This guy is a seasoned operator. few more questions about shear walls, Santa Ana winds, vine country, CNC machine maintenance and homeland security..
-Last question mr skin,you are adding a bathroom to Governors guest house in Malibu, a coastal zone, and contractor found a dead body under the slab. What do you do?
-I follow the industry standard sir. That is, we rebury the body under next empty lot at night and place the new goddamn slab next day. Life goes on..
Since the exam is over we ask him to hang out with us and party, thinking he might have his stash available to us. He politely declines and goes to bathroom to pee and picks up his his little bag and comes out and says “adios amigosâ€.
He is a passer..
thank you for that. i really needed it.
hey TED, how's england?
jolly old fun. found a very good local to act as my after hours library[who ever heard of school or public lib's closing at 8:00?-even ikea stays open till midnight!] to do lots of reading over a pint or 2 of guiness. well it has force me to spend my book budget in the first 3 weeks.
archs around the country may laugh but i do know a fellow in the mid 70's that went to a motel6 like venue to do is california 'orals'. its something california does differently for licensure.
Why Gotics
Gotic becaurse back then floors was halve meter solid stone not lazy vaste of materials ,back then there was no sad accounting as with today's lame pseudo high-tech just lookalike's Na back then quality and crafts was the issue --- or do our postmodern structures last even 30 years, if you say yes, you never seen a vorn out highrise.
Zaha are wrong she proberly "could" but don't know what fantastic options ,real new digital building methods bring ,she maby and proberly could decide and form fancy structures with 3D-H and they would be swell, but basicly the mix of angled and square fit bad with the organic shapes, --- Still I bet even you, don't want the jobs, the new technikes the progress, any new technike or material would mean within architecture -- read the houses we live in, the houses that can be made at a third the cost . But if you occupy an outdated attemt to make the old rigid way's go digital ---- as brutalism wasn't brought in from the back door how difficult can it be to realise, that methods avaible a 100 years ago do not mirror the innovative aproach , to realise that computers are the only tool to bring it ; then don't spend your time on the old applications and nippicking do some drawings for somthing that can be build. -- Then forget about those sad Icons what architecture need are somthing quite else.
What we need is not Icons but nice houses at a third the cost four times as strong, just a trust in future remember.
Episode 23
12/01/05
abracadabra, faia
HOCUS POCUS
i am listening ‘heY mambo, mambo italiano’. Telephone rings.
- heY,avra.. avracadavra..
a business woman on the other end,
- i like that..dead man dancing… oprah winfree calling.. proah enterprises..
- is this live?
- nope.
- sorry. i don’t diet..
- that’s not what i am calling for.
turns out, she wants to pay me hourly to giddyup the exterior of her new mansion in californyeah..
So i went to job site meet her and the original architect who told me to be nice and that was that.
next day i sent my construction document to her leaving the existing design as a reflection on the swimming pool. two hours later the o. architect called me that he wants credit for the core and shell.. why the fuck not..
two mounths later oprah told me she enrolled in sci arc's home study degree program.
if thom mayne doesn’t happen, i am on the standby to oprah show next week..
working drawing of oprah winfree's house, hocus pocused.
*core and shell by others.
you mean she didnt use her buddy nate?
well, either i think she's look'n for you to take him on as a underpaid intern or perhaps she's intrested in you plan stamp'n the buggers makerover. or maybe as his lover was lost in the tsunami, he aint stepping in that tremblim state.
move cautiously, move carefully.
i wouldnt trust that bitch -
god save the oprah!
brad: yeah oprah its undulating and shiny
oprah: you mean like a titanium memory stick?
brad: yeah you should see the one we are cooking up for jennif...i mean angelina down at frank's office.
oprah: burp
Episode 24
12/23/05, ashland, ohio
abracadabra, faia
Had A Boy Mr. Popeil..
knife set has arrived with bonus solid flavor injector and the extra steak knives before the christmas.
a personal note attached by ron 'pitchman' popeil himself, " abra, you must tell your community of architects,
my next product is going to be 'just design it and forget it', and i will pitch it for 4 easy payments of
24.99, just under 100.00$".
what the fuck has he invented now? i decide to give him a call to get to the bottom of this.
-hey amigo, whats this 'jd' it and forget it?
-actually it is a version of my early invention, the veg o matic onion slicer, "Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm going to show you the greatest design tool ever made...
All your designs chop to perfection without shedding a single tear."
-you mean...?
-thats right abra, ideas will go in and design will come out, in a nut shell. it is all i can tell you right now about the device.it will be sensational and under 100 buckies.
my wife and daughter assisting me on the infomercial in their revealing bikinis. we are already shooting it on an empty lot near my house.
- how could you man? it took architecture many centuries to produce 'open plan' for example. even computers can't do what you are pitching..plus, you'll be sued by aia..
-aia my hollywood ass abra. i am america's best inventor. all the house husbands and their working wives know me.
this invention is for people. in goes design ideas, out comes blueprints. under 100.. and watch me, i will throw in my drain buster too.
-does it involve shipping containers?
-fuck yeah. it comes in a beautiful aluminum tool box with 25 year warranty if thats what you call a container..
-no, but thats even better..thanks for talking to me ron, i know you're a busy man.
-be careful with the knives abra, don't bone any architects, thats going to be done by my girls..grrahahaha.
-had a boy popeil..just set me to forget architecture..
The Pitchman,his girls, andhis knives
the amount of bs that architeats spout is flippin' crazy. trying not to be so cool is way cooler...one day you all might understand. i can only hope!
i find abra and this thread a welcome departure from the "seriousness" of architecture.
Episode 25
12/31/05, ashland, ohio
abracadabra, faia
abra's noteworthy shit..
i was approached by a well known editor to send my picks for 2005.
turns out to be said editor sold my article to a russian newspaper and took a trip with a spoiler integrated cruiseship to dubai.
here is a copy..
The bests;
Best terminology i learned from my friends at aamco transmissions across the parking lot;
CB’s = come backs (repair job returned by a dissatisfied customers)
YOYO’s = yoyo (a customer who brings the repair job back every other day for something or another)
Both no good for the mechanics.
Worst built auto transmissions according to pepe, david,kamal and shorty at aamco, unanimously;
Ford (watchit)
Best would be a puzzle thread in archinect discussions section and get around 9-10 responses and go away within half a day.
What’s this to YOU? (name of the thread)
The opening post;
This is the google view of Truth and Consequences, NM,
I see a teapot innit. What do you see?
And while at it, can you see something in Intercourse, PA?
link
*choose satellite option and zoom in, on the subject matter.
The best would and can be Guggenheim museum after FLW’s.
link
best ‘Wow, bingo’, for would be modern furniture designers, heavy metallers and plasticians;
link
my best and most traveled interstate highway, the first 15-20 miles of it eastward. it is called the Christopher Columbus transcontinental highway here, but they call it sonny bono memorial freeway around palm springs, and ‘papago’ (go papa go), around phoenix.
link
best or worst architectural dilemmas by an otherwise hardworking talent, I’ve seen the pictures of.
(this category would include some detail photos of rick moss’ culver city ‘city’ project but they were removed from the internet, thus no pics of doublehung windowed skull and leaning, ‘/’, columns)
abracadabra, faia,
my best chance for getting sued by OSHA’s ‘the whistleblower program’
link,
for unfair treatment of otherwise innocent people through some badass literature. My defense strategy as drawn by jay (my lawyer), is going to be around ‘I am not guilty’ plea.
one of the best places to visit on this world;
(a little partial on my part)
link
best opportunity to show some humanity, missed by an accidental governor to secure some political gain in his circles.
link
and yes, some best inventions/products;
link
link
Episode 26
2/2/2006
abracadabra, faia
Fountainlad vs. El Calatrava
I just got an e-mail from somebody I haven’t met. I am just
re-broadcasting the letter to be on his good side.
Hi Mr. La Habra,
I am writing this letter to you because I think you’d agree with me.
My name is Fountainlad and I am a visionary architect living alone on God’s mountains and working out of my cabin/studio I built myself. Long ago I used to work for high-end real estate Design Center in NYC.
Anyways, the other day I saw a photo spread in the newspaper about a condo hirise designed by a middle eastern architect calling himself ‘El Calatrava, King of Arabesque’.
Well that’s just goddam too bad, go back to Dubai man, because that building idea is stolen from an earlier sketch I had for N.Miami City Hall which almost got build in 2001. Part of that project is a public art included in architect’s design scope and I designed it to go along with my building.
It is an artificial oasis of 3-4 feet long hollyhock plant like crystal cubes stuck on #10’s like marshmallows with phosphorus dayglo material. I am not a fancy graphics type and I am attaching a drawing of the City Hall landscape idea which I had to draw with my foot, since I temporarily lost some motor ability to use my hands after that explosion of a dishonest building I hated in downtown Wacko at the time. If you agree with me, like I expect you to, would you please publish it in the newspaper your cousin is working at, so the whole world knows who the real McCoy is?
Thanks in advance for the favor and consider yourself safe.
Fountainlad, Architect.
Episode 27
2/24/2006
abracadabra, faia
Viva Las Vegas
Ding dong.. e mail alert while teaching my dogs autocad..
From: Susannah Mennah
Subject: Your Services..
Looks and smells like the latest internet virus. But too late. Click..
Dear Abra Cadabra,
I am writing this e-mail to let you know that I fell in love with Oprah’s remodel.
(she knows archinect..hmmn..)
We have a mid century Mediterannean we‘d like to add to.
I was wondering if you have some time next week to meet us? If so please call me at my upclose and personal line xxx xxx suzy
Ciao.
S
Yeehaw..
Fuck’n prank for sure..
Why the hell not, at least I’ll laugh and that will increase my happiness percentage..
So I call..
Lady’s voice
-Al-lou.
-abracadabra, faia alloo..
(below is a rapid ‘o’ deal, I made)
-Oh yes. Ofcourse, I love your work and would like to ask you if you can design a master bedroom wing for us?
-Sure..
(end of deal..)
She continues,
- The existing estate is 20,000 sq ft but doesn’t have a big master bedroom. We are cramped in 1500 sq ft bedroom and would like to expand another 2000 sq ft or so.
(Wow.. The wealthier version of HBO’s adult series’ characters.)
-Where are you located maam?
-Near Las Vegas. I can arrange the plane and the limo.. And you can call me Susannah (oh Susannah don’t you cry for me I come from west Covina etc, etc..)
I take the next plane to Vegas which is every 5 minutes, first class with real peanuts.
A blond limo driver with generous portion of her upper body exposed greets me at the airport. She turns up T.Rex ‘Get it on Bang a gong Get it on’ and I gulp two ultracets (read, pain killas) with my own saliva. As she pulls in the porte coshere (a covered driveway if you will), someone with short pants opens the door for me.
The place is as big as Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion where I installed pinball machines when I was working for AD Electric ‘t’ears ago..
Yessir, as I was hoping, this place ‘is’ a Beverlyhills warehouse and Susannah is the Blond Nordic Goddess, BeNGuess for short..
She,
-Would you like to get a massage and relax before Jed joins us?
I look at the near naked masseuse and say ‘qui’. We go in to a furry room. She works on me, because of the pills, nothing happens.
Jed has a San Fernando Valley* long hair with a pony tail and baseball hat. And that’s about it..Not much else.
He,
-Hey you must be the deZigner..
Marking his territory and wanting to prove in front of his wife who the boss is. I think he is a temporary Jed, not even a real hubby. Then he proceeds to grab Susannah who is wearing a black mini hose dress with Prada hi heels, kisses her dispassionately and gives her a pat on the ass saying ‘hi honey’, all in front of me.
She is utterly embarrassed in front of a talent from a noble art. I bet you, she is the real boss and he is just a big nobody trying to sway his capital around..
They already ordered a 18’ x 18’ bed which Sealy is custom making for them,
-Why the bed is so big?
I ask that with Scarface accent to show him I am not some kind of Ikea installer and I want to know everything that goes in that bedroom, I am hired to design.
He looks at me like whaat.. Shut the fuck up ‘arab’.
He doesn’t know who I am, but she does, and I don’t think Jedbo knows who Fountainlad is either. And I don't think he has read anything other than the gutter (a minor tabloid comes with toilet paper purchase).
He says,
-I got to go. Later dude..
He is out so fast.. she looks at me like, don’t worry he won’t bother you again..
Fuck yeah, she is the empress with a tax relief husband..
(Will continue)
oh my...that is nice
will abra pull a FLW?
Will he go commando under his cape?
She is way into the abra-motion – what will abra come up with?
That 18’x18’ bed, Crib style with padded headboard Nice!!!
“Sealy custom†with hydraulics recessed into the floor way to take advantage of the tight space.
Episode 28
8/9/2006
abracadabra, faia
Liberty Bell, AIA and Her Mysterious Ways
As I am reading the global warning part of 30% off grand refrigeration sale ad from Sears, telephone chimes twice (T-Mobile).
I grab the Nokia, thinking that this might be the badly needed potential client of the dry summer.
Nope.. It’s my friend and spiritual adviser Donna calling from south of France where she and her family spending the summer in their close friend famous song writer Vado Retro’s beachfront custom pimped trailer home with iconographic details on it.
“Hey Abra, how’s the global warming treatin' you, haha? I hope you don’t mind me quoting a dream with you innit...â€
See, thats her. She already knows what I am reading.
“What dream? Where?â€
Donna,
“New York Times. Check out the Art sectionâ€
"Of course I don't mind D"
Sure enough, it was in, ‘the interviews with architects; studio 54 sessions’ section on the front page, upperfold.
Dr. Nicolai Ousoroff – “it is said that you use dream analysis method in your design process, is this true and if it is, can you give a sample how this process works, because if I think it is good, I am going to suggest it to Frank Gehry who is looking for new ‘departures’, if you will.â€
Liberty Bell (name of Donna’s firm) AIA - “Jeepers, that is correct Nick. For example,
last night I dreamt that abracadabraFAIA presented a fully constructed modular-component but super, super cool house inside the main entry of SCI-Arc. Now I've never been to SCI-Arc so I have no idea what that space might be like, but I can honestly say Abra's design was amazing and tight as all his work is,and hey, it was MY dream so that means it's actually MY design, right?!? Unless Abra was beaming to my brain, which could well have been the case.â€
Dr. NO- “wow.wow. cool, cool. abracadabra, faia... I’ve read about him in the Bible…â€
Donna- “Probably you have. He is in Quran too.â€
That is soo interesting Donna.
Because when I was a student @ Sci arc, 1978-81, my friend Eric and I got this trailer and parked on a planned 8' offset axis from the center of the school entrance opening to give it some architectural prank. It was a little commentary on Thom Mayne, Eric Moss and Coy Howard’s studios who were the prizmacolor pencil post moderns at the time.
We plotted political insurgency from the trailer and started a group called ABC which was sounded like we named it after the anarchist movement of early 20 th century (that is what we told to people but ABC really came from abracadabra/chavkin/bayer).
Situation Plan @ SCI Arc (Scale to Fit)
The headquarters of ABC
abra, when are you gonna beam into my brain while i'm sleeping?
funny that archinect has so deeply settled into liberty bell's subconscious that she dreams about it. actually, i had an archinect show up in a dream once, i think it was wonderk & i believe it was about her being an alien or something odd like that. my therapist has me keep a dream journal, so maybe i'll dig that entry up and share it...if it's nothing too weird/creepy
What happened with the desperate housewife and her amazing fun pad?
^^ it is a developing story, we'll revisit. right now, we're waiting for custom 'Sealy' to arrive (it is quite a project to move the 18'x18' bed inside). drywall is done. ;.)
Thanks abra!!! And you know if I was in the south of France I would absolutely be thinking of and then calling you because it is so glam yet authentic there. Like a super cool authentic modular trailer house at SCI-Arc, how did I know that was your idea?!? You really did beam to me, good thing I am receptive to genius even though I'm not one myself.
Where is the headquarters of ABC now? It could park on that 18x18 bed, you know!
Those were the good ole days when the students, led by Ralph Mursina, revolted and took over the school. I thought the Joker was ABC's headquarters. Just think, perhaps a manifesto at SCIArc today.
abra- back to the 18' bed- was it round like this????
Episode 29
9/21/2006
abracadabra, faia
…t to go. Later dude..
He is out so fast.. she looks at me like, don’t worry he won’t bother you again.. Fuck yeah, she is the empress with a tax relief husband..
(Will continue)
The OASIS
The tax season is came and gone and the dude from San Fernando Valley, the tax relief hubby, is out of the zip file into the trash…The noble architect wins this one… Temporarily of course. After the Certificate of Occupancy, abracadabra, faia knows he’ll move on to newer adventures. Breaking out from Susannah’s Desert Oasis and causing no heart breaks on the relationship that was based on AIA B155 to begin with.
Just to let you imagine the magnitude of the design work in ‘the Oasis’;
I’ve changed the shape of giant Sealy bed to elliptical…
Need I say more?
I didn’t realize the elliptical Sealy bed took so long to fabricate… But that worked out all the better.
Here is a brief, in the mean time, from episode 27.
I love the word.. Episode.. Episodal… Global. Basketball. Bounce back and kiss my ass ball… ball breaker, heartbreak hotel and the rest.
I added all glass detail in the bedroom addition where the custom bed goes into.
Susannah changed her hair color for the summer to brown or black I can’t really tell. The blond nordic goddess turn into cleopatra in a jiffy.
After the final inspection, there was a 70’s party in the bedroom with all the desert dwellers and the whole bash was on all the flat screens in the compound and the internet. I kind of left the party opting for some piece of mind and watching HGTV urban design related programs.
Thank you though, just that, umm.., I am not interested in this shop talk parties anymore... No, not this time. It would have been nice when I had nobody in my life.
Finally;
Seven months of hard designing, constantly changing positions of the bed. Making difference.
Like from ‘Oasis to Oasis’…
hehe!
that was a beautiful picture treekiller.
big thank you for #29 hereby goes to you.
btw; i am glad you've made it to your destination allright. nice pics on flickr...
i don't understand any of this stuff abra
Episode30
10/28/2006
abracadabra, faia
ABRACADABRA AS; ‘EMBEDDED CRITIC’
No offence to rest of the people who are working at FOG Associates as an architect already. Some probably would love to have my job, or were dreaming of it.
I got an interesting job from a French business called Louis Vuitton & Sons. They said they choose me over the French candidates because I was a well seasoned Turkish dick-head that could easily kick some butts in French side of things too. Interesting job indeed. The task previously didn’t exist before. They want it happily edgy and frank. Kind of cumbersome job but let’s see what’s going to be at the end.
I was to be embedded as a ‘design critic’ in FOG Assoc., with their co-operation and fair willingness. Frank Gehry has accepted the deal because they hinged some publicity thingyblizz on it. He will bill the French for a reasonable fee of 1500 $ per hour he spends with me so I don’t feel hanger on-ner.
It was for one particular project, and my job definition said, that, it was for the duration of the design conception and initial development. Perhaps, a couple of months at the most, time wise.
I had an all points pass to anything might happen in the office, regarding the ‘Clouds’, including one to one and design team crits with award winning people. At the end, I gave them a 60 page story with my own pictures of how their project came to a being and how it was looking at it from the other side of the camera. All this for 40K and loyalties if it is ever used in other publications or promotions.
They are planning to publish it in a book form, in the edition of 1000, to be distributed to top Louis Vuitton customers after the building is built.
It is sure to become a collector’s item.
~~~
For me, the most interesting part of my job was, not everything I said had to do anything with architecture, which made people extra alert each time I opened my mouth, ie;
“where is the bathroom dude?â€
“hmmm.., let me think about that sir†and handing me a sketch with bathroom location on it.
Like, if Frank has to bent down to talk about a model that ‘he’ designed, I can ask him something stupid like,
“Hey Frank, did you ever farted during a design presentation?â€
And if he says, “fuck you abra, what a fart has to do with what I am showing you now?â€
I can say,
“Well, nothing Frank. Just curious. Jeezuz.â€
Or, I can ask, like I did the other day,
“hey Frank, did you think more about what we discussed last night in the studio regarding Louis Vuitton cloudies?â€
“Fuck yeah. You got me thinking and redesign the whole cumulus thing by whistling from that Elton John song. I like it and that’s what the kids were waiting from me. Nobody really liked it before. I heard some intern threw a beer can on it. Do you want to go get some steak dinner at the Pacific Dining Car?â€
“I’ll pass, Frank. I’ve seen enough of your face todayâ€,
“Same hereâ€.
~~~
Client signed me and Frank under separate contracts. So I don’t work for Frank O. Gehry Associates.
My title is;
Embedded Critic. I don’t design anything, I just talk whatever. We talk about space and girls, a lot. He is so confident about space but feels shy when it comes to women.
~~~
Back to work.
The other day I asked him, when we were alone, to point out to me 10 obviously shitty spaces and details on the model of the project.
He came up with 8 in a jiffy and I had one too, which was like, “why I couldn’t think of that†type, but opened doors to at least two dozen more potential fuck ups.
“They can fix that†he said. I believe him. But I said,
“Few are inherit in the get go Frank, and I believe you have to live with itâ€.
He said “that is the saddest partâ€.
I saw some innocent tears building up in his eyes momentarily before he burst into a laughter saying, “I have done ‘um all, fuck yeahâ€â€¦
Freeing himself from guilt. I don’t blame him.
~~~
I asked if he was still inhaling?
He said “I can’t deal with all the people aroundâ€. But he made a date with me, that we hit it tomorrow night, when the studio is blocked to everybody else except us, to get mildly high and look at some work. As he lately start to feel buddy buddy with me, he has been showing me other projects of his too.
Frank has fast eyes and speedy analyzing ways. An extremely fast logical guy, he is genius level. He figures many things like simple parts he used to put together in his 2 x 4 days. Very hands on. He is more like an action architect. He wants to roll down with his lines. While he rolls, the plan is figured too. All the staff and associates have to do is, to build up that moment and make it ready to get Frank do his thing.. They analyze and preset the conditions. They take a lot of time prepping. That involves hundreds of people, consultants and developers, etc,. All this prepped up for the day Frank does his thing.
He always comes through and he is endlessly flexible. The rest is usually the challenging part of resolving the Frank’s roll.
“Yeah Frank.., roll the fuckin’ dice dude, its giving people the alzhiesâ€, I told him the other day, talking about the Las Vegas hospital job and noticing he is spending too much time on it.
~~~
I talk to one of the kid who started working there last year. Pretty and determined to become a job captain next couple of years.
She said the office is her dream came thru from the ivies. Frank was so nice to stop by the other day and asked her, who she was, and told her good luck and welcomed her to the firm. She asked me, who I was and if I was a documentary film maker. She said there is something like that going on every day. But they usually work with Frank and others in the firm are just worker bees. “Photographers, crews and producer typesâ€, she said “looks down on themâ€.
“No. That’s not me. I work for the client doing the clouds for the French clients. My job is to be his critic for few weeks.â€
She said “WOWâ€.
~~~
The other day I got Frank to look at my work on clients time.
(Thanks Frank, that means a lot to me).
However, then he looked at me saying,
“your buildings are better than a lot of stuff but you’ll never get the big budgets. Muslim architect? Though fuck. Not in this town mister. I told you that in Istanbul remember? And, by the way, I am still pissed off about the belly dancer thing you set me up with.†(see episode # 21 ‘Achtung Frank)
I was hoping that, maybe, he was going to throw a bone my way. A small project, that if he says so, clients will accept me. Maybe like a little house on a nice lot with good budget where I can also show my mastery to upper echelon.
But no. It isn’t.
He says,
â€I'd love you to write a ’funky’ book on my late projects.
I’d like you to make fun of them, show my funny side, I can take it, I am fuckin’ Jewish.â€
“I didn’t see it yet, but didn’t Pollack Sydney do that already?...
I tell you what.., Frank,.. You are funny and all that. But I am not. I’ll do a book for you, that will be the first book on you, written by a guy who doesn’t like your every fart and I would include some stinkers along with best that you can offer.â€
“Fair ‘naf, he said. He is a big man.
He didn’t blink at 45K.
Just to cover my ass, I told him Jay will send him the contract. And, this will have no bearing on our on going project for Louis Vuitton deals.
Next day I broke the news to Jayski, my friend/family/confidante/ lawyer,
“ Abra, fuck you first, not calling me to set the deal, and, congratulations for getting twenty times more than what I think you are worth in writing projects.†Just like that. In one sentence.
Asshole Jay, he knew if he said 10 times, instead of twenty, that would make me feel like a winner for a change. But of course not, that would perhaps soften his grip on me as my business manager and the superior being in all things except what I do with my work, which he secretly and loyally likes.
~~~
Back to the book.
At the end, after negotiations with his wife, we came down another five and Frank agreed to a pay plan; 40K plus a framed and signed napkin drawing (for Jay). That will be (a)okay for me to finish the whole thing in three months with no rewrites unless I want to (b)with a professional editor his people pay for and (c) be picked up by his driver for the outings to local work sites / meetings and (d) two first class trips to his out of state projects.
Unspoken, we both feel that Vuitton is paying for the book as well. Who knows, maybe FOG billing me too, under different expense. Who knows? Projects this size, you have different people signing checks for different things.
Jay is going to make sure he pays on time, whether he likes it or not.
In a favorable paragraph in the book I wrote, “Frank’s work is like a Jean Tinguely with the void parts moving, creating the wind, taming the metallic sounds of the siding and finally becoming the sketch. That personal.â€
A money shot paragraph I‘ve agreed under last minute pressure both from Jay and Frank.
Cover of the book already,
Shine On Your Crazy Brilliance, Orhan.
thank you lb.
correction:
ahem... i mean.
stop following me, ORHAN...!!!
its a Ravioli press fuck up...
wow- what a great magic trick! you've earned your [i]nome de plume[/im of abra!
In the 30 day's I languished in the FOG modelshop, frank never even blinked in my direction, let alone acknowledged my existance. maybe that's why I think he's full of farts too.
that book fee should cover a few rounds of scotch at the pacific dinning car.
So how can we archinectors get our hands on a copy of the book?
Episode 31
~~~~~~~~~~~~
01/01,2007
ABRACADABRA, FAIA
in
'PREFAB YOU'
This architecture is not for me but I'll do it with a branding iron. Whoa.
As the young interviewer setting up her camera crew and checking the mic, I am sitting on a thin gauged metal stack to be used in the construction of my new prefab home line I have designed for Wal Mart Real Estate Division. Wal Mart RED.
She looks too young to have a critical view on modern architecture and its' new real estate sales motivated darling called 'prefab'.
WM RED paid me considerable cash to put them on the map and on the foreground view for the consumer eye. We are to compete with various home grown brands that are doing a lot of business noise with their manufactured home designs that look like anywhere from million plus dollar modernity style to ‘mixed feelings budget style’ for the masses. They are outfitted to attract the kind of people who think, living in one of them is a good karma because of the soybean content on the insulation.
These are mainly designed with swell magazines of the world in mind. Versions are endless depending on how your desert acreage is situated or how close you are to big foot territory where the wild beasts roam.
please click the model you like
My job as defined by RED, is to give a kick to that so "I hate you" Mc Mansions that Wal Mart wants to sell to their regular customers who think they are gorgeous. Showing and shoving to the world we are one mart under the capitalist God no matter where the big box is located.
C'mon in and get your 3 + 2.5 flatpack and no payment until next year with three thousand dollars cash allowance. These homes are loaded, if you order in next 12 hours you get a free sexy decorator with 50% off on furniture. Wait, that’s not all, you also get a free juicer. And your matress is freeee...
...My interviewer dressed like Ugly Betty who is beautiful and the producers who are sitting on the high director's chairs behind the camera wearing pleated pants and ironed blue jeans. I am told this will be aired on WAL MART TV Network after they edit for possible bugs which might take two to four weeks depending on how much secondary meaning I am able to sneak in.
Ready-set-action, quite on the set.
She asks the first question with her voice trembling with nervousness in front of a superstar like myself. Ahem, ahem.
- Mr. Abracadabra, how do you define residential architecture of today?
- It's not about what you call architecture. But it's about how much profit you can bring in investors pockets and home owners self worth and buying power, personal wealth. And if you can make them a little more attractive and sexier until after the photo shoot, you can add that into the sales price and feed the Kitty by buying a full page add in the Zine who publishes your product under the disguise of intellectual property and innovation. It is not as exciting as one might think, most designs are generated with 3D max type of rendering programs you can special order from Office Max. Do you know what that is?
- I do. My boyfriend is a cadmonkey.
- Tell him to call me.
- Mr. Abra, I know it's a bit personal but, how do you make your legendary design decisions?
- I use to ask King of Soul but RED doesn't like the 'S' word around their guaranteed products, it's a company policy. Black is not new RED. Got me? I mean, if you have to make design decisions all the time, that means you have no clear idea and clients don't want to see that in someone they are paying inflated design fees for the fame factor. I have decoded their mindset 100K ago. Oops, I am not suppose to talk like that. Scratch it will you? I love my clients, this is team work, they have been great. At the end of the day, this has been a good partnership. We are a growth industry and we seek integrated solutions. This is a value added win win situation for us... Outside the box all the way... I mean, I left my heart at Wal Mart and everything...Bla... There.
- How about telling us what's good with prefab design movement?
- It is really a chick magnet. I realize this is not politically correct thing to say but since I started to mention that I work with prefab home design systems, women have been chasing me down to welding shop. These days I wear large sun glasses and trucker hats when I walk the puppies.
Another good thing about prefab is, they picture well with almost any point 'n shoot camera and publish in one afternoon. There are writers who have customizable prefab article templates which you can purchase on the internet. You want to say something on top of the green material list which is always a good sales pitch these days, you know.
- And the bad?
- There is nothing bad with RED signature series. Price is right. And that is what matters the most.
Other brands lose their value in half, upon the purchase, just like the cars.
Missing parts is another issue. This company forgot to pack the kitchen and the new owners got obese by eating out and munching saturated fatty foods and died in cramped bedroom trying to fuck. It can get tricky with all the loose screws and packing. Anything can happen and that's exactly what we are trying to avoid with our line. It is a dangerous business. Another big problem is local building departments who often view prefabs as motor vehicles and send the designers to the DMV for a plan check. Like these guys, who were asked to include signal lights on the product and get a license plate. True story.
- Hahaha
- Hehehe
- My last question mister. Do you think this will be a lasting trend in housing?
- No. And, yes. I heard Toyota will be coming with prefab homes in two years called 'Garwondler 1' designed by a talented American group, which will truly revolutionalize the field and make the current efforts look like Sears storage sheds. But you didn't hear that from me.
~~~
Few months later;
WM RED is doing so well, they are purchasing all other prefabs to dismantle and recycle the metal to make fondue sets. Auch...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
prefab by walmart. pure brilliance.
What a wonderful New Year's treat, Abra. Imaginative as always.
happy new year! as always abra, brilliant satire makes my day...
abra is the death of me
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