I am applying in the graduate school and here's the statement of purpose. I am open to any comments that will tend to improve this statement of purpose
-As a student of architecture during under graduation, I had developed an interest in the building typology. I started understanding how architecture can change the life style and increase the standard of living. While the study trip during the college course, I felt the importance of light and shadow in a building along with the effect of climate on the building. Undergraduate studies taught me the fundamentals of architecture and further as I proceeded my knowledge broadened and developed skills in the design.
Over the past two years from the time I am working with M/s XYZ, I have realized that Architecture and urbanism are interrelated to each other. By examining architecture and urbanism as a whole, we can create a better urban fabric. Urban development relies on a thoughtful design, environmental and societal systems. I will have a better understanding of the resilient, livable neighborhood, cities and region, their planning with the natural environment in MIT School of Architecture and Planning. With the help of faculties, I will learn the new methodologies, design techniques and innovative methods.
In this growing trend one has to learn from the problems faced in an unplanned cities/ neighborhoods, rectify them or think about them while redesigning and to make sure that the same mistakes doesn’t repeat. Born in the capital city of Bihar, Patna, I have experienced many such problems such as traffic congestion, encroachments. I have travelled extensively throughout India and witnessed the same issues in places such as Bhopal, Indore, Kolkata, Mumbai. The famous ‘dharavi’ Slums in city of Mumbai is a result of the rapid urbanization, planning recourses and strategies are needed to address the problem of slum development.
In the early semesters of my undergraduate studies, we had a paper on physical planning. We went to survey the site in Horapet Road, I was stunned to see the reaction of the people. The local residents confused us with the local authorities and came out on the road, crying out their problems. The basic needs such as clean drinking water, proper sewage lines not given to them. 90 percent of the people in that area were below poverty line and had to survive in such conditions daily. Almost 43 percent of children remained ill due to water borne diseases caused due to improper water disposal systems.
I had been to the dharavi slums once during my early visits to Mumbai in 2011, I was taken aback by the scenario there, the people are not staying on their own land. The potters brick kilns sent huge black flames which polluted the air and as a result the patients conditions became worse in adjacent hospital. I saw children playing in the sewage waste. Next to the open sewers are water pipes which can crack anytime and take in the sewage. A proper thought out planning can sort out these problems and save the infants and adults from getting prone to fatal diseases.
As a designer then, I decided that I had to do a post graduation course in city planning to understand and solve such pressing issues. Through this course I will built the equitable models for development that improve the built forms and the natural environment,
My goal is to design spaces in such a way that it sustain and enhance the quality of living. As a planner my aim will be to learn from the mistakes made in the past centuries improve the built forms and promote the cultural stability through the problem – solving technique. By earning a master’s degree from XYZ I will be one step closer in achieving my goals.
This university will help me develop new techniques to design and develop a future buildings that are adaptive with rooted infrastructures. I will work hard with the faculties of XYZ, and turn out to be the best graduate student in the university.
I would like to extend my gratitude to the admission committee to take out some time and consider my application.
Dec 23, 13 10:14 am
Totally sucks. trash it and start over. And instead of writing something that is torturously banal to read (remember the person reading this crap is deciding whether or not you get into school so try not to annoy them), try wrtiting something that is interesting to read.
you want the reviewer to think taht you are an interesting person, someone that they would lke to meet and have at their school.
x-jla
Dec 23, 13 11:49 am
Its horrible. Sorry, just being honest.
24arches
Dec 23, 13 4:37 pm
Don't try to pull off a style that doesn't come naturally.
"Undergraduate studies taught me the fundamentals of architecture and further as I proceeded my knowledge broadened and developed skills in the design."
Word--sentence--paragraph. That's the progression and every step matters (heck, a paragraph is completely optional at times).
"I would like to extend my gratitude to the admission committee to take out some time and consider my application."
Sounds like a rushed job resume. I don't know if it's the way English is taught in India paired with the lingering effects of colonialism but a lot of what I read over the net sounds uncomfortably formal, almost as if everyone else is in some ways higher up in status; the sentences are way too awkward given the limited range of vocabulary.
It's a distinct narrative in poor prose. I don't have any right to deem your life interesting or not based on vague first impressions. Read Elements of Style, On Writing, and Several Short Sentences on Writing. Anything else would likely be too long to absorb.
If this is a draft, spend the rest of your time editing. If this is a final draft, spend the rest of your time editing. Revision is more important than assembling words and punctuation together. Read it aloud. Simplify.
placebeyondthesplines
Dec 24, 13 1:31 am
Agreed, this is garbage.
I read all the way through hoping it would become an incredibly clever commentary on the motivations and mindset of typical M.Arch applicants.
Sigh.
archKash
Dec 28, 17 1:31 pm
Splines said mine sucked too... I guess... third try
zhnedc
Dec 28, 13 6:18 pm
I'm gonna have to agree and say that I wasn't really able to continue reading after the first paragraph. Then I just glanced through the rest.
But I am going to try to be at least a little bit constructive.
What I read revealed your inexperience at writing in the western world and for a western reader.
1) Don't write the whole thing about what you want to do and how outstanding your skills are - they are not looking exactly for a Jack of all trades.
What they want to read is a cute, short, little essay about one or max two experiences. And don't write it like "then I did this, I saw that" and so on. Make it alive for your reader. For example, Instead of saying "When I visited France, I was amazed by the Eiffel Tower... " you should/can say "And here I am, with only 5 euros in my pocket, all sweaty from the hot summer day, hungry and thirsty, but this gigantic beautifully elegant pile of iron soaring in front of me....." Not necessarily like that, but you get the point. Make it a lot more experiential. Illustrate your influence(s) and then shortly and very concisely analyze how they made an impact on you. Don't write abstract things, nobody will buy that.
2) Don't have to be such a kiss ass with this last sentence. Just don't do it. Stand for yourself.
3) "I want to be the best student in the school." You can keep that one to yourself. No one likes overly competitive folks. Rather be modest but smart.
4) Speaking of smart - it's not too smart to post your personal statement online in its full length. It's a big no no actually. What if an admission officer browses through and sees your XYZs? They want to see that you are determined to come to the school, and that you researched their programs...
5) Work on your English or give your essay to someone who can fix pesky mistakes.
Good luck
Osmin Avalos
Jan 2, 18 3:30 am
Nice advise on #4
Risfy1994
Dec 28, 17 8:57 am
Hi dear! I have also read your statement of purpose architecture graduate school and I would like to tell my thought about it also, if you do not mind. So, to my mind, there are a lot of special and really professional web sites which will help you with this issue as well as they did it for me someday. And also I would like to add that most of these services are not for free and you need to pay for them, but I am sure that they worth it for one hundred per cent! Just try to use them.
Volunteer
Dec 28, 17 9:41 am
"I am applying in the graduate school ...."?
Honestly, have someone proficient in English, punctuation, and indentation review this before posting. No one can fault you for having English as a second language but that is no excuse for presenting this hideous collection of cliché buzzwords.
archietechie
Dec 28, 17 11:03 am
Sidenote: Great that this necropost in particular was bumped. Lots of great advice for prospective students.
thompson's gazelle
Jan 2, 18 2:49 am
There's more problem with the English itself, and less with the content. Get yourself a native English speaker, and ask him/her to proofread and edit your essay. No, actually write in your most comfortable language and hire a native English speaker with enough architectural knowledge who can translate that for you. English isn't my first language either, but even I can tell that most of your sentences and expressions are awkward and off-rhythm. Unless you have a killer portfolio, you're not going to get anywhere just in terms of this essay. Just being honest here.
Osmin Avalos
Jan 2, 18 3:26 am
Hi kanishk111. I agree with the others about the structure and content of your statement, however, you never know how your application will be scored, theres so much to take in consideration during the application process.. such as your portfolio, recommendation letters, resume, of course the personal statement and an interview. What im trying to say is not forget the others, work on that statement.... however, maybe you dont have a strong writing skills, but your work is just amazing, you have great recommendations and a great resume ... that might the things that save you ...
Regards dude
archietechie
Jan 2, 18 3:43 am
She would've graduated by now. Stop bumping Nth year old threads like these.
Dear all
I am applying in the graduate school and here's the statement of purpose. I am open to any comments that will tend to improve this statement of purpose
-As a student of architecture during under graduation, I had developed an interest in the building typology. I started understanding how architecture can change the life style and increase the standard of living. While the study trip during the college course, I felt the importance of light and shadow in a building along with the effect of climate on the building. Undergraduate studies taught me the fundamentals of architecture and further as I proceeded my knowledge broadened and developed skills in the design.
Over the past two years from the time I am working with M/s XYZ, I have realized that Architecture and urbanism are interrelated to each other. By examining architecture and urbanism as a whole, we can create a better urban fabric. Urban development relies on a thoughtful design, environmental and societal systems. I will have a better understanding of the resilient, livable neighborhood, cities and region, their planning with the natural environment in MIT School of Architecture and Planning. With the help of faculties, I will learn the new methodologies, design techniques and innovative methods.
In this growing trend one has to learn from the problems faced in an unplanned cities/ neighborhoods, rectify them or think about them while redesigning and to make sure that the same mistakes doesn’t repeat. Born in the capital city of Bihar, Patna, I have experienced many such problems such as traffic congestion, encroachments. I have travelled extensively throughout India and witnessed the same issues in places such as Bhopal, Indore, Kolkata, Mumbai. The famous ‘dharavi’ Slums in city of Mumbai is a result of the rapid urbanization, planning recourses and strategies are needed to address the problem of slum development.
In the early semesters of my undergraduate studies, we had a paper on physical planning. We went to survey the site in Horapet Road, I was stunned to see the reaction of the people. The local residents confused us with the local authorities and came out on the road, crying out their problems. The basic needs such as clean drinking water, proper sewage lines not given to them. 90 percent of the people in that area were below poverty line and had to survive in such conditions daily. Almost 43 percent of children remained ill due to water borne diseases caused due to improper water disposal systems.
I had been to the dharavi slums once during my early visits to Mumbai in 2011, I was taken aback by the scenario there, the people are not staying on their own land. The potters brick kilns sent huge black flames which polluted the air and as a result the patients conditions became worse in adjacent hospital. I saw children playing in the sewage waste. Next to the open sewers are water pipes which can crack anytime and take in the sewage. A proper thought out planning can sort out these problems and save the infants and adults from getting prone to fatal diseases.
As a designer then, I decided that I had to do a post graduation course in city planning to understand and solve such pressing issues. Through this course I will built the equitable models for development that improve the built forms and the natural environment,
My goal is to design spaces in such a way that it sustain and enhance the quality of living. As a planner my aim will be to learn from the mistakes made in the past centuries improve the built forms and promote the cultural stability through the problem – solving technique. By earning a master’s degree from XYZ I will be one step closer in achieving my goals.
This university will help me develop new techniques to design and develop a future buildings that are adaptive with rooted infrastructures. I will work hard with the faculties of XYZ, and turn out to be the best graduate student in the university.
I would like to extend my gratitude to the admission committee to take out some time and consider my application.
Totally sucks. trash it and start over. And instead of writing something that is torturously banal to read (remember the person reading this crap is deciding whether or not you get into school so try not to annoy them), try wrtiting something that is interesting to read.
you want the reviewer to think taht you are an interesting person, someone that they would lke to meet and have at their school.
Its horrible. Sorry, just being honest.
Don't try to pull off a style that doesn't come naturally.
"Undergraduate studies taught me the fundamentals of architecture and further as I proceeded my knowledge broadened and developed skills in the design."
Word--sentence--paragraph. That's the progression and every step matters (heck, a paragraph is completely optional at times).
"I would like to extend my gratitude to the admission committee to take out some time and consider my application."
Sounds like a rushed job resume. I don't know if it's the way English is taught in India paired with the lingering effects of colonialism but a lot of what I read over the net sounds uncomfortably formal, almost as if everyone else is in some ways higher up in status; the sentences are way too awkward given the limited range of vocabulary.
It's a distinct narrative in poor prose. I don't have any right to deem your life interesting or not based on vague first impressions. Read Elements of Style, On Writing, and Several Short Sentences on Writing. Anything else would likely be too long to absorb.
If this is a draft, spend the rest of your time editing. If this is a final draft, spend the rest of your time editing. Revision is more important than assembling words and punctuation together. Read it aloud. Simplify.
Agreed, this is garbage.
I read all the way through hoping it would become an incredibly clever commentary on the motivations and mindset of typical M.Arch applicants.
Sigh.
Splines said mine sucked too... I guess... third try
I'm gonna have to agree and say that I wasn't really able to continue reading after the first paragraph. Then I just glanced through the rest.
But I am going to try to be at least a little bit constructive.
What I read revealed your inexperience at writing in the western world and for a western reader.
1) Don't write the whole thing about what you want to do and how outstanding your skills are - they are not looking exactly for a Jack of all trades.
What they want to read is a cute, short, little essay about one or max two experiences. And don't write it like "then I did this, I saw that" and so on. Make it alive for your reader. For example, Instead of saying "When I visited France, I was amazed by the Eiffel Tower... " you should/can say "And here I am, with only 5 euros in my pocket, all sweaty from the hot summer day, hungry and thirsty, but this gigantic beautifully elegant pile of iron soaring in front of me....." Not necessarily like that, but you get the point. Make it a lot more experiential. Illustrate your influence(s) and then shortly and very concisely analyze how they made an impact on you. Don't write abstract things, nobody will buy that.
2) Don't have to be such a kiss ass with this last sentence. Just don't do it. Stand for yourself.
3) "I want to be the best student in the school." You can keep that one to yourself. No one likes overly competitive folks. Rather be modest but smart.
4) Speaking of smart - it's not too smart to post your personal statement online in its full length. It's a big no no actually. What if an admission officer browses through and sees your XYZs? They want to see that you are determined to come to the school, and that you researched their programs...
5) Work on your English or give your essay to someone who can fix pesky mistakes.
Good luck
Nice advise on #4
Hi dear! I have also read your statement of purpose architecture graduate school and I would like to tell my thought about it also, if you do not mind. So, to my mind, there are a lot of special and really professional web sites which will help you with this issue as well as they did it for me someday. And also I would like to add that most of these services are not for free and you need to pay for them, but I am sure that they worth it for one hundred per cent! Just try to use them.
"I am applying in the graduate school ...."?
Honestly, have someone proficient in English, punctuation, and indentation review this before posting. No one can fault you for having English as a second language but that is no excuse for presenting this hideous collection of cliché buzzwords.
Sidenote: Great that this necropost in particular was bumped. Lots of great advice for prospective students.
There's more problem with the English itself, and less with the content. Get yourself a native English speaker, and ask him/her to proofread and edit your essay. No, actually write in your most comfortable language and hire a native English speaker with enough architectural knowledge who can translate that for you. English isn't my first language either, but even I can tell that most of your sentences and expressions are awkward and off-rhythm. Unless you have a killer portfolio, you're not going to get anywhere just in terms of this essay. Just being honest here.
Hi kanishk111. I agree with the others about the structure and content of your statement, however, you never know how your application will be scored, theres so much to take in consideration during the application process.. such as your portfolio, recommendation letters, resume, of course the personal statement and an interview. What im trying to say is not forget the others, work on that statement.... however, maybe you dont have a strong writing skills, but your work is just amazing, you have great recommendations and a great resume ... that might the things that save you ...
Regards dude
She would've graduated by now. Stop bumping Nth year old threads like these.