I'm two years in at a top 3 architecture grad program. To be honest, I don't really know how I got in. I don't have a background in architecture or a design-related field. But I got in. Somehow.
The first two semesters were extremely tough. I was so new to architecture education and it was essentially a hazing process. I was doing all-nighters most nights and ended up in therapy for a year because of how stressful and shocking the experience was for me.
Fast forward to today and I am doing a lot better, I have an idea of what I'm doing and my skills in various software/design processes etc have improved 10-fold. I've come a long way and I am happy about that, and I give myself credit for that. But I can't help but feel like a failure here even though I KNOW that's not fair. I only have 2 years of this stuff under my belt while most of my classmates were either born into this or have been at it in some fashion for years and years. There's no way I'm going to be as advanced as they are - 2 years of experience versus 5-10, no way.
This is the year where we are eligible for all sorts of travel fellowships, workshops, awards, etc, and I am receiving rejection letters left and right. I keep telling myself that I am up against some really amazing people and it's just not the right timing for me but I always end up feeling like I'm a fuckup or something is wrong with me. I am surrounded by some really brilliant people (and I am grateful for it, too!) but in turn it has really skewed my perspective - instead of feeling like a smart person among smarter, more experienced people, I just feel like an idiot.
Most days it's fine but on days like today, where I received two rejection letters for travel workshops I applied for (that were limited in the number of people they could accept) and then hearing everyone around me talk about how excited they are to go, I just want to throw in the towel and say I'm not cut out for it. It's frustrating that I have this great opportunity to go to this school, yet I am not advanced enough yet to take advantage of certain things or get noticed.
Meh, I don't know what I am looking for in writing this out, but I just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.
Driko
Apr 5, 15 1:11 am
Congrats on getting two years through first of all. That takes a lot to do and especially from a non design background. The advice that I would give is don't pay attention too much about what others are doing. You are still very new to design as architecture I would give it some time to grow. You have an amazing opportunity being at a great school that I know others would kill to be at. You have two years under your belt and I'm assuming you need one more. Don't quit, you got this. Make this last year of design studios the best and enjoy them. Keep applying your self and follow what you are interested in. The rest will follow.
Ps
People won't agree with me and be negative but just tune them out and focus on you. You will be much happier.
x-jla
Apr 5, 15 1:12 am
just remember that everyone is probably feeling similar. arch school is brutal. you do not need to be a whiz in school to be a great architect. everyone learns at their own pace and no one is a natural in this field. just try to take it easy, exercise, and get sleep. your health is important. We have all been through it, and we all handel stress differently. feel free to email me if you need some help on your project or whatever...
b3tadine[sutures]
Apr 5, 15 1:55 am
Paula, I'm an architect, licensed 8 years now, and that feeling doesn't go away. You've got a lifetime ahead of you, that you made it this far, kick-ass.
,,,,
Apr 5, 15 6:11 am
It has been said that the educational process for architects is counter productive because it seems to be designed specifically to get rid of sensitive people. Hang in there.
null pointer
Apr 5, 15 9:48 am
Encapsulate, repress and move on. It don't remember a single full day from my time in grad school. I could go back and think about it, but it's all a blur and rightly so. It was a shitty time in life, and shitty people got to pretend to have my fate in their hands.
I personally got through it by holding on to anger. Being really really angry and doing everything with rage in mind. Sounds unhealthy? Maybe, but I'm probably one of the most stable people you'll ever meet (I don't remember having raised my voice more than once in the past two years).
I have nothing but contempt for all but a handful of my teachers, and I went to a top 10 program. Strap down, move on, your success does not depend on this. My doctor friends used to say C=MD; I lived by B=M.Arch; it worked - it worked very well.
anonitect
Apr 5, 15 10:29 am
I had a similar experience, and it sucked. It's hard getting used to being in the middle of the pack when you've been at the top of your class in something else.
I hated grad school, and still sort of resent the experience. I thought of quitting, but didn't want to waste the investment of time and money I had already made.
I'm working in the profession at a job I like now, though. If you stick it out, it will probably get better. Good luck.
midlander
Apr 5, 15 11:12 am
one of the funny things about school is that it's actually much more demanding and cold than any work environment (in my experience anyway). the people who excell as students don't necessarily thrive in work; and vice-versa. it's good you can sit and write something like this... it means you're on the path of self-awareness which many students lose.
I always felt behind at school and seriously questioned whether i was cut out for the profession. in my time working, i have never doubted i'm doing the right thing for myself and i even enjoy it.
so if there is something about architecture that you continue to care about, stick with it. things do get better if you like the work, and you don't need any extraordinary talent to be good in the professional world. being a personable and thoughtful individual is sufficient.
Stephanie Braconnier
Apr 6, 15 10:18 am
What midlander said. Excelling at the arch. school studio environment doesn't necessarily translate to well-rounded design skills or working in a design studio. The same people in my grad studio who won scholarships and got awards for their brilliant projects are the same people who are struggling with unemployment and unpaid internships 4 years later.
Believe me, arch. school is not the place you want to hit your stride. You have a long career in front of you. Focus on what is meaningful to you and round out your employable skills while everyone else is partying in Rome. It sucks now, but school is not the only time you can have fun and travel.
You'll be fine :)
boy in a well
Apr 7, 15 2:14 am
what the hell, i ll chime in too (having no possibility of assessing your ability, talent, nor skills..)
the people that hand out the ribbons and prizes are sometimes looking for something particular. if you dont get one, it doesnt say anything about your ability, skill, nor talent (not necessarily..). its doesnt mean youre not good, just that what you do and what they want didnt align. maybe there's something to learn from that. maybe not. but someone somewhere put you in the program because they liked something about you. take it and run.
Paula G
Apr 7, 15 2:38 pm
Thank you everyone for the encouraging comments! So great to read this. I'm dusting myself off and getting back up. Again and again.
3tk
Apr 7, 15 3:35 pm
I second all the comments above. Focus on what you're interested in pursuing and exploring - school is a great time to be free of clients and bosses - you get to run the show (mostly). It seems like you clearly understand what your limits are, and humility is a big part of being employable - understanding what you know, and what you don't is a big part of a career; I can't tell you how many times I've heard that there isn't a shortage of attitude in new graduates, particularly from the 'elite schools'.
Even if you don't get the fellowships, try to find a way to travel (via internship in a new city, visiting friends, etc). I found some of the self-funded travel/research materials to be good talking points in interviews (it shows you really cared and weren't doing it to pad your cv).
Also, you might chat up the students you feel are doing well to learn from them - hopefully they'll impart some tips and knowledge; it'll also go a long way to start building relationships. I know it's something I remember thinking back to my former students, making it easier to recommend them to firms.
gruen
Apr 7, 15 7:36 pm
Honestly, I've been there, done that.
I fit in great in undergrad - liked by the "hot" studio profs and ran with the smart/talented crowd.
My first semester in grad school I was at a low place in my life. I butted heads with my studio prof and almost dropped out.
I survived by finding a bit of a niche for myself. That first semester it was my photo class & photo prof. Later, it was the hands on building classes. A lot of beer and a great girlfriend helped too.
Ultimately, I did great in grad school, but you have to realize that grad school has VERY little to do with what happens after grad school - IE: work. For me, an obsession with hands on construction helped a lot. I didn't have to be the star of the studio class (although I did well) to stand out, because I was a lot better at SOME things than other people were.
Probably, your profs are doing some very cerebral work - maybe parametric stuff? I have no idea because it's been almost 15 years since I was in a studio. Really - no one in the real world does that cr*p. You need a completely different skill set to succeed in the work world - and that skill set will be different at different types of firms (commercial, residential, the rem koolhaas of the world, and grottly little lowbrow firms like mine).
Find something YOU like and run with it. Don't stress about studio - it's not the only thing.
the thing you like might be:
1) professional practice
2) structures
3) building technology
4) hands on construction
5) who knows? make it up...
Learn some studio survival skills:
1) don't copy your fellow students
2) the project brief is only a suggestion. try to read between the lines and do something interesting and unique
3) hard work does not mean long hours. many of the people in studio are just wasting time. try to be actually productive. fill those hours (where you DON"T know what to do) with some kind of mindless busywork that lets your subconscious wander and discover new answers. For me, that was always poche'ing my drawings. For you, maybe it's doing tutorials for software or ??
4) think about where you want to be after you graduate - who you want to work for and what you want your job to be. Work on skills that'll get you there. MOST of us do not work for star architects - I don't even want to. Most architects in the real world hold down real jobs - which can be challenging and boring too.
In my life now, I'm a business man. I own my own (very tiny) firm and am working to build it up. I do NOT talk to other architects that often, and I do NOT try to be the really high design firm in my area. Instead, I network with regular people - which means the people that actually hire architects and want good service from us.
I still make mistakes and I wish I could be better and do better design work. but you know what - it does not matter. I have a lot of happy clients and a happy family.
awaiting_deletion
Apr 7, 15 7:45 pm
Null and boy in well sum it just right......and my 2 cents - architecture school is about finding yourself in this massive field - come out swinging.
BulgarBlogger
Apr 7, 15 7:56 pm
you know what makes me sleep at night? The fact that I got my B.Arch, don't have to worry about being in ginormous amounts of debt, and that I will probably be building shit before any of your classmates would with the added bonus of being my own boss rather than having to deal with some shitty project manager who went to a shitty school who doesn't have a license...
sameolddoctor
Apr 11, 15 5:10 pm
midlander is right.
Most of the "A' students in arch school (me included) tend to not do great at the actual profession. The back benchers are the ones with the plum jobs and money when the "real world" happens.
That said, take a deep breath, drink some scotch and just get through school. The world outside is a different place.
I'm two years in at a top 3 architecture grad program. To be honest, I don't really know how I got in. I don't have a background in architecture or a design-related field. But I got in. Somehow.
The first two semesters were extremely tough. I was so new to architecture education and it was essentially a hazing process. I was doing all-nighters most nights and ended up in therapy for a year because of how stressful and shocking the experience was for me.
Fast forward to today and I am doing a lot better, I have an idea of what I'm doing and my skills in various software/design processes etc have improved 10-fold. I've come a long way and I am happy about that, and I give myself credit for that. But I can't help but feel like a failure here even though I KNOW that's not fair. I only have 2 years of this stuff under my belt while most of my classmates were either born into this or have been at it in some fashion for years and years. There's no way I'm going to be as advanced as they are - 2 years of experience versus 5-10, no way.
This is the year where we are eligible for all sorts of travel fellowships, workshops, awards, etc, and I am receiving rejection letters left and right. I keep telling myself that I am up against some really amazing people and it's just not the right timing for me but I always end up feeling like I'm a fuckup or something is wrong with me. I am surrounded by some really brilliant people (and I am grateful for it, too!) but in turn it has really skewed my perspective - instead of feeling like a smart person among smarter, more experienced people, I just feel like an idiot.
Most days it's fine but on days like today, where I received two rejection letters for travel workshops I applied for (that were limited in the number of people they could accept) and then hearing everyone around me talk about how excited they are to go, I just want to throw in the towel and say I'm not cut out for it. It's frustrating that I have this great opportunity to go to this school, yet I am not advanced enough yet to take advantage of certain things or get noticed.
Meh, I don't know what I am looking for in writing this out, but I just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.
Congrats on getting two years through first of all. That takes a lot to do and especially from a non design background. The advice that I would give is don't pay attention too much about what others are doing. You are still very new to design as architecture I would give it some time to grow. You have an amazing opportunity being at a great school that I know others would kill to be at. You have two years under your belt and I'm assuming you need one more. Don't quit, you got this. Make this last year of design studios the best and enjoy them. Keep applying your self and follow what you are interested in. The rest will follow.
Ps
People won't agree with me and be negative but just tune them out and focus on you. You will be much happier.
just remember that everyone is probably feeling similar. arch school is brutal. you do not need to be a whiz in school to be a great architect. everyone learns at their own pace and no one is a natural in this field. just try to take it easy, exercise, and get sleep. your health is important. We have all been through it, and we all handel stress differently. feel free to email me if you need some help on your project or whatever...
Paula, I'm an architect, licensed 8 years now, and that feeling doesn't go away. You've got a lifetime ahead of you, that you made it this far, kick-ass.
It has been said that the educational process for architects is counter productive because it seems to be designed specifically to get rid of sensitive people. Hang in there.
Encapsulate, repress and move on. It don't remember a single full day from my time in grad school. I could go back and think about it, but it's all a blur and rightly so. It was a shitty time in life, and shitty people got to pretend to have my fate in their hands.
I personally got through it by holding on to anger. Being really really angry and doing everything with rage in mind. Sounds unhealthy? Maybe, but I'm probably one of the most stable people you'll ever meet (I don't remember having raised my voice more than once in the past two years).
I have nothing but contempt for all but a handful of my teachers, and I went to a top 10 program. Strap down, move on, your success does not depend on this. My doctor friends used to say C=MD; I lived by B=M.Arch; it worked - it worked very well.
I had a similar experience, and it sucked. It's hard getting used to being in the middle of the pack when you've been at the top of your class in something else.
I hated grad school, and still sort of resent the experience. I thought of quitting, but didn't want to waste the investment of time and money I had already made.
I'm working in the profession at a job I like now, though. If you stick it out, it will probably get better. Good luck.
one of the funny things about school is that it's actually much more demanding and cold than any work environment (in my experience anyway). the people who excell as students don't necessarily thrive in work; and vice-versa. it's good you can sit and write something like this... it means you're on the path of self-awareness which many students lose.
I always felt behind at school and seriously questioned whether i was cut out for the profession. in my time working, i have never doubted i'm doing the right thing for myself and i even enjoy it.
so if there is something about architecture that you continue to care about, stick with it. things do get better if you like the work, and you don't need any extraordinary talent to be good in the professional world. being a personable and thoughtful individual is sufficient.
What midlander said. Excelling at the arch. school studio environment doesn't necessarily translate to well-rounded design skills or working in a design studio. The same people in my grad studio who won scholarships and got awards for their brilliant projects are the same people who are struggling with unemployment and unpaid internships 4 years later.
Believe me, arch. school is not the place you want to hit your stride. You have a long career in front of you. Focus on what is meaningful to you and round out your employable skills while everyone else is partying in Rome. It sucks now, but school is not the only time you can have fun and travel.
You'll be fine :)
what the hell, i ll chime in too (having no possibility of assessing your ability, talent, nor skills..)
the people that hand out the ribbons and prizes are sometimes looking for something particular. if you dont get one, it doesnt say anything about your ability, skill, nor talent (not necessarily..). its doesnt mean youre not good, just that what you do and what they want didnt align. maybe there's something to learn from that. maybe not. but someone somewhere put you in the program because they liked something about you. take it and run.
Thank you everyone for the encouraging comments! So great to read this. I'm dusting myself off and getting back up. Again and again.
I second all the comments above. Focus on what you're interested in pursuing and exploring - school is a great time to be free of clients and bosses - you get to run the show (mostly). It seems like you clearly understand what your limits are, and humility is a big part of being employable - understanding what you know, and what you don't is a big part of a career; I can't tell you how many times I've heard that there isn't a shortage of attitude in new graduates, particularly from the 'elite schools'.
Even if you don't get the fellowships, try to find a way to travel (via internship in a new city, visiting friends, etc). I found some of the self-funded travel/research materials to be good talking points in interviews (it shows you really cared and weren't doing it to pad your cv).
Also, you might chat up the students you feel are doing well to learn from them - hopefully they'll impart some tips and knowledge; it'll also go a long way to start building relationships. I know it's something I remember thinking back to my former students, making it easier to recommend them to firms.
Honestly, I've been there, done that.
I fit in great in undergrad - liked by the "hot" studio profs and ran with the smart/talented crowd.
My first semester in grad school I was at a low place in my life. I butted heads with my studio prof and almost dropped out.
I survived by finding a bit of a niche for myself. That first semester it was my photo class & photo prof. Later, it was the hands on building classes. A lot of beer and a great girlfriend helped too.
Ultimately, I did great in grad school, but you have to realize that grad school has VERY little to do with what happens after grad school - IE: work. For me, an obsession with hands on construction helped a lot. I didn't have to be the star of the studio class (although I did well) to stand out, because I was a lot better at SOME things than other people were.
Probably, your profs are doing some very cerebral work - maybe parametric stuff? I have no idea because it's been almost 15 years since I was in a studio. Really - no one in the real world does that cr*p. You need a completely different skill set to succeed in the work world - and that skill set will be different at different types of firms (commercial, residential, the rem koolhaas of the world, and grottly little lowbrow firms like mine).
Find something YOU like and run with it. Don't stress about studio - it's not the only thing.
the thing you like might be:
1) professional practice
2) structures
3) building technology
4) hands on construction
5) who knows? make it up...
Learn some studio survival skills:
1) don't copy your fellow students
2) the project brief is only a suggestion. try to read between the lines and do something interesting and unique
3) hard work does not mean long hours. many of the people in studio are just wasting time. try to be actually productive. fill those hours (where you DON"T know what to do) with some kind of mindless busywork that lets your subconscious wander and discover new answers. For me, that was always poche'ing my drawings. For you, maybe it's doing tutorials for software or ??
4) think about where you want to be after you graduate - who you want to work for and what you want your job to be. Work on skills that'll get you there. MOST of us do not work for star architects - I don't even want to. Most architects in the real world hold down real jobs - which can be challenging and boring too.
In my life now, I'm a business man. I own my own (very tiny) firm and am working to build it up. I do NOT talk to other architects that often, and I do NOT try to be the really high design firm in my area. Instead, I network with regular people - which means the people that actually hire architects and want good service from us.
I still make mistakes and I wish I could be better and do better design work. but you know what - it does not matter. I have a lot of happy clients and a happy family.
Null and boy in well sum it just right......and my 2 cents - architecture school is about finding yourself in this massive field - come out swinging.
you know what makes me sleep at night? The fact that I got my B.Arch, don't have to worry about being in ginormous amounts of debt, and that I will probably be building shit before any of your classmates would with the added bonus of being my own boss rather than having to deal with some shitty project manager who went to a shitty school who doesn't have a license...
midlander is right.
Most of the "A' students in arch school (me included) tend to not do great at the actual profession. The back benchers are the ones with the plum jobs and money when the "real world" happens.
That said, take a deep breath, drink some scotch and just get through school. The world outside is a different place.