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Wellbeing Check-in?

217
Black_Orchid

Casual post for a casual thread on how everyone is doing during current times - let's try to check the negativity at the door as well as politics. I suppose this could be a general thread discussion but wanting to keep this to mental well being and a thread to help focus some positivity.

I can kick off with my own. WFH since beginning of the year, was pretty stressful at first with a lot of 70 hour weeks. Cancelled the gym membership, got more into being outdoors and spending time cooking with my better half / spending more time with pets / video chatting with family. Spending a lot of time listening to self help podcasts and how to help better myself for both myself and those around me. Honestly, spending less time thinking about Architecture and more about where I want to go with my life and whatever my profession or hobbies can offer. Have considered leaving my job for other offers (slightly less money) and considering, but otherwise working on finding a balance on life. Aside from all of the negative news, unemployment, sickness, I am hopeful that as a society we can re-calibrate and focus our energy on what is important and spend less time thinking about things that will grey over our lives.

 
Oct 27, 20 11:50 am
b3tadine[sutures]

SNAFU


Dire.



Oct 27, 20 1:56 pm  · 
5  · 
molten

Considering why I still want to be an architect...daily. 

The constant e-mails, calls, conference calls, etc for projects in CD's and the submittals, RFI's for in-construction projects is just really wearing me down especially since I still need to do a fair amount of production. I feel like I'm not getting enough support and there's just no end in sight because we keep kicking the can down the road on coordination issues that aren't the ones currently on fire. 

Needless to say, I am not handling it well. Getting burned out and losing motivation. 

Oct 27, 20 2:05 pm  · 
7  · 
caramelhighrise

Are you me?? Actually though, I keep questioning this too. The only reason I don't make the leap to another job or industry is I'm scared and I don't know what else I would even be good at (that actually makes money). But I find myself questioning every day, why did I spend years in school studying the one thing I'm passionate about and good at, only to be constantly catching up on emails, telling people why their flashing won't work, telling my structural engineer to move sump puts, and pointing out pipes that are too big to fit in walls. I'm passionate about architecture, not the actual job though.

 · 

Honestly post gastric bypass life and having something to work towards has helped a lot. That said, this winter is going to be bleak AF. 

Oct 27, 20 4:19 pm  · 
9  · 
Non Sequitur

Get a warmer coat to compensate for the lost "insulation"?

 · 

Did that yesterday. Will probably need to get a parka too, but that may be unnecessary since we’re definitely heading towards a second lockdown.

 · 
archanonymous

I started the pandemic burnt out... and have just gotten more so. 

Been trying to focus on things I enjoy... cooking, exercise, sketching. That isn't rolling back my burnout, but at least allowing me to maintain sanity. 

Projects haven't gotten any better. Took a pay cut without an hour cut, and continue to average 60 hour weeks. Many more people have left our firm of their own volition so there's too much work, as always. 

Oct 27, 20 4:22 pm  · 
1  · 
whistler

totally slammed with work to the point I can't keep up with my "doomsday scrolling"

Oct 27, 20 6:59 pm  · 
2  · 
Non Sequitur

I barely have time to catch up to my off-season hockey news. I don't have a clue about what's going on down south.

1  · 
axonapoplectic

My wife is a “front line worker” so she has to go in to work daily. that means I’m supposed to be running meetings and managing staff and fielding calls/emails and marking up drawings while also making sure my 2nd grader is doing their zoom classes/homework and that my hyperactive preschooler isn’t destroying the house. My day starts at 6am and goes until midnight and it’s non-stop.

I do get some exercise during “recess” (Stroller run while the older one is on a bike) and I will take 30 minutes of “me-time” most evenings and a chunk of one weekend day (Or weekday depending on my wife’s schedule). It’s not enough, though. I’m constantly stressed that my spouse is going to catch covid and that I’m going to be completely left alone to deal with everything.

I am planning on taking two weeks of vacation around Christmas - so I at least have that to look forward to. 

Oct 27, 20 7:44 pm  · 
4  · 
liberty bell

The short version is: husband and I downsized to get out of debt. In moving to a disinvested neighborhood I have now befriended a homeless woman: an unhoused neighbor. I am trying to help her get housing, and every damn day makes me more and more grateful for how blessed I am. Work is also fine.

Oct 27, 20 8:34 pm  · 
20  · 
tduds

You're too good for this website, Donna.

5  · 
SneakyPete

Brad is reportedly newly single. Get on it!

1  · 
midlander

it's been a challenging year. started with a new baby, new job (promotion), and loss of money in a bad investment. one of my parents fell ill with what we all feared was covid - it's not but it is a terminal illness which will progressively worsen.

i talk to a therapist weekly (zoom) and keep busy with work and extracurricular commitments. on the whole though i'm feeling confident in what i do and looking forward to a return to more normal conditions. my wife (and mil) are wonderful and very supportive and that makes such a huge difference.

Oct 27, 20 8:35 pm  · 
4  · 

midlander, just replying to say I also do a weekly Zoom therapist session and it helped a lot having a "safe space" to express my anxieties, including about the death of my mother.

3  · 
midlander

i love it actually, it's an hour i really look forward to every week.

2  · 
SneakyPete

My partner and I started doing a monthly couple's therapy. It's providing prompts for topics that are easy (and harmful) to leave undiscussed.

1  · 
curtkram

work has been well.  dogs are doing great.  working from home was nice and gave me the perfect environment to finish up a project.  that project is out of the ground and going great.  kind of happened at the perfect time for me.  we're back at the office, doing our best to practice safe distancing and all that.  regardless, i've been wrecked with anxiety.  i don't know, i might be an empath or something screwed up like that.

Oct 27, 20 9:53 pm  · 
3  · 
Non Sequitur

Work here is starting to pick up, as it typically does at this time of year, so it's good that clients are still calling.  We've been back in the office full time since end of june but all our retail and commercial office work has stopped.  There is however a steady rise in industrial projects (got 4 in various stages atm) and high-end residential.  For example, I believe we're about to start work on a private helipad on some island on the St-Laurence river.

Mental health-wise, I'm glad to be out of the WFH routine.  My wife (educator) is back at work after only relying on gov assistance for 6 weeks and our son (4y) is enjoying junior k full time.  His development definitively stalled since his daycare and therapy/dr/hospital apps all shut down (he has several severe dev delays) but we're starting that process all over again and hoping to make up for lost time.  We're very lucky that we can afford and make time for treatment.  

I'm using our new WFH system to justify leaving everyday at 5pm sharp knowing that I can pick up a few extra hours as needed in the evenings. Since we covered all salaries regardless of hours worked while shut-down, no promotions were given but at least our profit shares were not affected... which I realize is in itself much better than some here with layoffs and/or paycuts.

All this to say that stress levels are slowly building up and I'm trying to find the emotional stability to return to painting.  It's been over 4years since I've produced anything and I just need to find a reason to get back at it.  I know that when I do, it'll make a big difference.  Just need to kick myself in the ass and do something.  

Oct 27, 20 10:15 pm  · 
5  · 
Wood Guy

Non, put "painting" on your schedule. A specific day and time, 1-2 weeks out. If you have to reschedule, do so, but don't just ignore it. (I should follow my own advice more often...)

3  · 
SneakyPete

Non, I'd like to see your paintings if you feel comfortable sharing.

1  · 
Non Sequitur

Thanks folks... since we're all sharing, below are a few examples:

 · 
Non Sequitur

Thanks folks... since we're all sharing, below are a few examples. I typically only do palette knife paintings, either landscapes or still life but I used to do abstract geometric/urban scenes. All acrylic. 

The last one, I kid you not, has been sitting unfinished on my easel for almost 5 years. Back when I actively painted, I always had 3 to 5 canvases and used my left-over paints to make up urban scenes or still life pieces. I need to make some sense of the lower half of that last pic.


10  · 
x-jla

Beautiful

1  · 
randomised

Nice, the 2nd picture is my favourite!
Funny how the age of your kid is the exact time you haven’t painted...I haven’t read a novel in 4 years (last one was a George Perec) eldest starts kindergarten in March.

1  · 
sameolddoctor

2nd one is my favorite too...

1  · 
Non Sequitur

Cheers, was not expecting such positive response. I don't own the first 2 pieces since they, like about 80% of all my paintings, were given away as gifts (The 2nd might have actually been purchased tho, I can't recall).

1  · 
SneakyPete

Holy shit. Those are great.

1  · 
SneakyPete

Half Dome is really good, you captured it well.

1  · 
Non Sequitur

Sneaky, I'm impressed that you recognised the scene. Cheers

 · 
SneakyPete

Yosemite's one of my favorite places on Earth (when there's few people there, when it's crowded it sucks) but I think most people would recognize it in your painting, it's got that certain something that the real rock has.

1  · 
liberty bell

I love palette knife paintings, and the landscape is excellent.

2  · 
Non Sequitur

Thanks Donna. 

I took the above advice and dusted off the supplies last night (at around 11:30pm) and think I'm at 95% finished that lower still life piece. It's 24"x24" and I exclusively used a 2" wide knife so I think it'll look nice in my living/dinning room once I apply the 3 coats of semi-gloss clear. Thanks, mostly anonymous online wankers. I'll be making an order for more canvases this weekend.

4  · 

WFH since beginning of March. No plans on getting back into the office until spring 2021. I started out taking more time for my mental and physical fitness. Dropped between 15-20 pounds by eating better and running and cycling more. That’s been slipping though as deadlines are all piling up these last 4weeks or so. I feel like the end of the deadlines is nearing and I’ll get a break soon though. If not, I’ll have to take one before the end of November. 

Things have been good work wise as far as having plenty of work. We continue to win work and we haven’t made any cuts or layoffs. We’ve even made a handful of strategic hires, but no one has received any raises this year. Not sure if we’ll get the usual end of year bonus or not. My guess is we will, but it will be smaller. I’ve stopped worrying about whether there will be layoffs, and that’s helpful. Mostly right now the mental health is a factor of the weather changing and less sunlight. SAD is a real thing. More exercise would help ... but deadlines have me working long days.  

Oct 27, 20 10:36 pm  · 
2  · 
sameolddoctor
Mom passed away this February after battling a terminal illness for nearly 4 years. She used to live with us, and the whole situation towards the end wasn’t pretty, especially with the family.
WFH and Homeschooling the kids since March has taken a deeper toll on the system. Doesn’t help that work at the office is waning now and no one wants to be looking for a job in these last months.
Only positive side is that with a zero commute I find time for long-ish walks, and that all of us are physically healthy.
Oct 27, 20 11:23 pm  · 
6  · 

I'm sorry, sameolddoctor. I lost my mom in April, and couldn't be with her because of covid. It's such a difficult transition, combined with WFH and schooling from home the stress level can be overwhelming. I'm glad you're taking time for walks - walking soothes my brain. Hang in there.

6  · 
x-jla

Sorry for your loss.

 · 
sameolddoctor

Thanks Donna, I can only imagine how tough it must be to not be able to be with your loved ones in their last days on earth. But then again, seeing them at their most vulnerable is pretty tough too. Anyways, yes we all need to hang in there and move forward in any way we can - there are other people in our lives who need us now.

Thanks for the kind words jla...

1  · 
bowling_ball

I'll go.

The shut down that happened in March started out as fun and relaxing, what with me being an introvert and all. While I didn't mind slowing things down for a while, my extroverted partner was going bonkers within a week (while all of her work came to an abrupt stop - she's self employed). Our office reopened in late June and except the occasional day of WFH, I've been there ever since. Thankfully my wife's work has also resumed. Overall, we've gotten to spend more time together, which we needed for our relationship. 

On an individual level, I feel like I've wasted 90% of my newly available time. Besides household chores, I haven't lifted a finger to do anything productive around the house. And our house needs it! Even the easy stuff, I ignored. And I'm down on myself for never being able to get that time back. At least I went on lots of walks and some decent bike rides. Definitely didn't exercise enough.I

I'min the signature stage of becoming a partner at my firm. I'm proud. (I have no idea how I got here. I have no idea how I'll make this work). I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. I know I'm going to be in a lot of debt for a few years, but I'm excited to have more control over my career as I enter middle age. We are busier than ever, by far, so I'll be busy at least.

Lastly, a couple of horrible deaths have happened in my circle over the summer.  It's been a while since the last death of really anybody I know, and they've helped keep me grounded when I'm feeling the stress of, well, all of this. 

Oct 28, 20 12:10 am  · 
3  · 
Non Sequitur

kudos for partnership jump.

 · 
chris-chitect

For me it's an experience, despite it's drawbacks that I'm hoping has taught me a few things. Mostly just how lucky I really am in life.

As I've described to a few people I feel as if I'm in a comfortable prison. I have all my practical needs met, but it's amazing how it just doesn't feel right.

I've been working from home since mid March, visiting the office only twice during the whole time, although I make weekly site visits to my project or what the isolation does to me despite being an introvert.

Workwise, the best part of my job has been taken from me, that's the people I work with. The weekend before the shut down, we had an office ski trip with about 8 of us crammed into a chalet hot tub, and then immediately after we are all social distancing. A Whatsapp chat group helps, as do random coffee break MS Teams video calls and staff meetings done outdoors in a park. 

I often need to see other people working to motivate me to work. It's a real struggle to make it through mid morning or mid afternoon. 

Prior to the shutdown, we had suffered a serious system wide IT collapse and our network wasn't fully back to normal. We were sent home but without functioning VPN for the first day and a half. Prior to the shut down, we couldn't use our laptops at home, so that meant if I left work at 5, I was done at 5. These days I'm sending e-mails at all hours, although often making up for the dead time of the afternoon where I watched youtube clips. 

On the positive side I've gained an important relationship with my team lead. In the office I rarely approached her for help and didn't often didn't feel too comfortable coming to her with problem after problem, especially with a project that has been going off the rails for a while. Once we were sent home, she started to call in at regular intervals to check in, at first just on my health and well being, but then started to take a direct interest in my work. This broke down a wall where I felt far more comfortable to actually lay out the problems I have and seek solutions. Oddly enough, working alone at home, has made me feel a lot less as if I'm dealing with work problems alone. My year end, and mid review, both done over the phone, actually went very well, and I feel like it's been a time of improvement on my own side. 

Also, since I'm not a morning person, I'm really enjoying the flexibility to start my day on my own terms. I don't wake up stressed about making it in on time to work, and as long as I've made an attempt to check some e-mails at 9am for anything critical or urgent, I'm taking the morning as it comes.

I do feel like I'm always working though, and just not getting stuff done. I'm a chronic doom scroller and find any excuse to leave my desk. I've also noticed that I am drinking a crazy amount of coffee. 

I go through phases of cleaning my apartment and looking for more and more organizational things to buy off amazon to not even being interested in taking out the garbage.

I do however try to exercise at lunch time, three times a week, and often take a two hour lunch. I run errands when I want, and often end early on Fridays to grab a beer with coworkers. 


Oct 28, 20 12:45 am  · 
4  · 
randomised

We're in partial lockdown again, schools and daycares open, cafes, gyms and restaurants closed. Working from home whomever is able to. I work at a new office (7 people) since September (4 days a week), my girlfriend works from home 4 days a week since March. It is tough with two small kids in daycare 3 days a week, she brings and picks them up as I commute. Physically feel great, lost weight and bike daily but mentally there is tension and friction at home as the division of tasks is skewed now since September, I do get up just after 6 and prep the bottles and our morning coffee and do all the dishes and laundry after kids went to bed around 21.00 and all our shopping but it's not enough to take the pressure off. It will continue like this at least till December, hope we can manage, or I'll have to change jobs (again) to something closer by.

Oct 28, 20 4:56 am  · 
1  · 
Wood Guy

The good: I've never been busier, or had so many projects I would consider good for me and my business. I have at least six months of work booked and just raised my rate almost 20%, which was overdue.  I'm a strong introvert and already worked from home so little change to my normal routine. My state is doing very well with Covid, and I don't know many people who have had it. Most of those who have had it recovered quickly. My wife and I were able to keep working so no need to draw government funds, though there's nothing wrong with doing so if you needed to. 

The bad: The feelings of impending doom just won't stop. Even if the election goes the way I want, the US is on a downward spiral and the world will follow. My work directly addresses climate change but it's a losing battle. I'm hoping to live out the next 30-40 years without major war and with a climate that is still habitable, but those are far from givens. My father in law passed away tragically about 10 months ago; my mom is in declining health and I can't spend too much time with her due to Covid. On my to-do list is to find a therapist to help me deal with everything. 

Oh, another good--my 401K from a previous employer is doing great.  

Oct 28, 20 10:14 am  · 
2  · 
bowling_ball

Everybody - everybody! - should have a good therapist. I can't say that enough. You won't regret it.

4  · 
Bench

Congrats on the personal rates raise MM. I remember you poking about the idea a few months back - did you notice much (or any) dropoff/balking by clients?

1  · 

Getting a therapist a few years back was one of my best decisions.

3  · 
Wood Guy

Thanks guys. Finding a good therapist is on my short list.

Bench, my current crop of projects are all under my old rate; it's only been the last week that I've been telling people (including a couple of fence-sitters) my new rate, so I'm not sure yet.

Funny story (I think)--one of my new clients is moving here (rural New England) from Palo Alto. My design fee is the largest I've proposed since going out on my own six years ago, by a large margin. (I bill hourly but try to stay within my estimates.) It should be more than enough to do what's needed to design them a great house. But their reactions made it clear that I left a lot of money on the table. That's ok, I like to provide a good value. But it was reinforcement that raising my rate is justified.

2  · 
SneakyPete

Finding a *good* therapist has been a challenge. Most want to dig into my past trauma instead of helping me develop strategies and tactics for my current life challenges.

 · 
Wood Guy

That's a concern of mine, Pete. I do have past trauma that I know I need to face, but I'm mostly interested in learning skills and tools to make me more effective in my current and future life. I have had speech therapy occasionally (I stutter) but have never had a regular therapist so I'm not sure what to expect.

1  · 
x-jla

Have you tried meditation? I’ve found it to be incredibly helpful for my anxiety.

1  · 
Wood Guy

I walk in the woods, which is kind of meditative. I have tried learning to meditate on my own and my ADD brain just won't shut off.

 · 
x-jla

Anxiety really messes with breathing. If you consciously try to breath slowly, 6secs in, 6secs out for like 30 mins it’s unbelievably effective. I have an Apple Watch, and can see my hr go from about 80bpm to 55bpm in a few mins by doing this breathing exercise. Concentrating on breath is probably the only way I can keep my mind from racing too.

2  · 
curtkram

i went with whiskey instead of therapy, so my advice and example is bad, but it might be worthwhile for you to look into a therapist that focuses on Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT).

3  · 
midlander

look for therapists who focus in family/marriage therapy and career issues. this is where i found someone i could relate to in talking about the "normal" problems of a functional but stressed adult. i had a bad experience with a therapist in college which had made me reluctant to try again, but a few years ago i searched with more careful selection and found someone genuinely helpful.

2  · 
bowling_ball

If you're not willing to do some amount of digging into your past, you're not going to get the most out of therapy. That's the way it works - not to dwell on the past, but to acknowledge and lean what you can from it, in the sense that it helped form the person you are today. Otherwise, why bother? Just get a prescription and cross your fingers.

2  · 
SneakyPete

I don't mind talking about my past when it helps with my current issues, but it's like I want a road map to help me get to my destination, and you don't need my entire travel history turn-by-turn to get that, y'know?

1  · 
Wood Guy

Curtkram, DBT looks interesting, and possibly appropriate for my particular mix of issues: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/dialectical-behavior-therapy.

 · 
wurdan freo

therapists help us with our pasts... coaches help us with our future... I'm a fan of both although I haven't found the right coach for my current spot in life... never to late to take lessons.

1  · 
Wood Guy

Wurdan, that's a good way to think about it. A few months ago on another architects' forum I posted that I thought I needed a therapist, life coach or business coach but wasn't sure which one, or if a mastermind group would be a good option. I got a lot of excellent suggestions and some good conversations with colleagues.

2  · 
newguy

I just want to challenge the notion that "EVERYONE" should have a therapist. I'm sorry, but I don't agree with this. If "EVERYONE" is in need of a therapist, then it stands to reason that the problems afflicting people are societal, not psychological. Seeking therapy and looking for answers within oneself really undercuts the collective action necessary to positively change the conditions that are negatively impacting us on a daily basis.  I don't say this to belittle the contribution of therapists or dismiss the need some may have for therapy.  But if all of society is in need of addressing a trauma, then the solutions needed are by definition political, and not necessarily personal.

 · 
Wood Guy

"it stands to reason that the problems afflicting people are societal, not psychological." I would agree with that statement. We have not evolved quickly enough to fully handle modern life. As individuals, we only have so much capacity to change our surroundings. Either you somehow get by swimmingly in modern life (which likely makes you a sociopath), you get professional help to navigate the challenges, or you live with high levels of anxiety.

 · 
midlander

i think everyone indeed needs a supportive and thoughtful person to talk to about life and life's problems. we've all got problems and society isn't actually a purposeful entity that solves personal dilemmas such as career concerns, grievances, personality conflicts. that person doesn't need to be trained in modern psychotherapy - or charge for service. in the past this role was often served by clergy, relatives, strong mentors - or no one. plenty of people in premodern societies were miserable and socially dysfunctional. modern society has changed how we organize some of the roles but hasn't changed the need for such people.

 · 
gibbost

This catharsis seems healthy.  I've enjoyed reading everyone's stories.  Peeling back a few layers of the onion seems to really humanize and connect us.  Thank you all.

Similar situation here as others.  WFH since March.  No plans to return any time soon--as I am also wearing my teacher hat.  Two kiddos on zoom calls throughout the day.  My wife is a first-grade school teacher.  Work is good.  No real slow down.  We are a central midwest firm with plenty of diversification in portfolio and project type.  I've known several people that have contacted covid, but fortunately all have recovered mostly back to health.  Our family has been very diligent about staying put and doing our part to help our community stay healthy.

I've never been an anxious person.  But anxiety does feel like a factor right now.  Given world events and work/life balance--it is testing me.  Fortunately, I am adhering to a pretty strict drug regimen to keep my mind limber.  

Oct 28, 20 11:00 am  · 
5  · 
archanonymous

Thumbs up for "strict drug regimen."

1  · 
randomised

what drugs specifically if you dont mind me asking

1  · 
gibbost

The kind you can get legally in 11 states . . . 33 states if you have a doctor's note.

4  · 
randomised

Don’t overdo it though, have a cousin and brother in law (not the same person) who had quite some serious issues coming off it.

 · 
Almosthip

gibbost... I got me one of those dr notes. Best thing I ever did

2  · 
bowling_ball

Weed has been possibly the most helpful distraction during these times. As a Canadian, I can get it delivered same day, without a Dr note, and I'm thankful. I think it also makes me a much more empathetic person. I never really smoked at all, in the before times.

1  · 
SneakyPete

I like weed a lot (you guys should try this shit for real, it's mindblowingly good) but the whole smoke thing makes me uncomfortable, and edibles just take too long to set in, and generally last too long.

 · 
bowling_ball

I know I'm smoking too much when I can feel it a few hours later in my lungs, and then I take it easy for a few days to let things clear. I have a crapload of edibles in the fridge that I can't be bothered with because it's so unpredictable (9.5 times out of ten, I don't feel anything at all).

1  · 
x-jla

I made the mistake of eating an edible and forgot that I had a conference call with a client...2 hours later I was on phone trying to keep it together...it was hard. I usually don’t do edibles, but my smoke shop had a deal going on so grabbed a couple bags.

 · 
Wood Guy

For my second biggest job right now, a nice new high performance home, we had scheduled an initial phone call for a day I took off. I had an edible* (legal here) and totally forgot the appointment. They called, I answered and apparently they liked me enough to hire me without meeting in person. I don't remember much about the call except that I was NOT comfortable on it.

*Not actually an edible, but cannabis coconut oil that is consistent to dose; 1/8 tsp is about like drinking a beer. 

2  · 
mightyaa

So far, the year has been weird.  My employer has determined we are essential, so I’ve not really ever stopped going into the office through this all; no remote working allowed.  Basically, same routine I’ve always had except less traffic, wearing a mask, and no social life or afterwork activities beyond computer gaming with online friends and binge watching shows with the family.  Wife is remote working at home, and 2 of the 3 kids are home.  Third is in the military, but confined to base during Covid.  Basically, it’s a repeating grind day after day as weeks pass into months where the only noted changes are the weather.  Had my first snow day Monday and my commute is in the dark.

Also last month, the firm I’m with was bought out by an international company.  My overlords are now in London with offices globally. My boss is still in charge of this branch office, so I haven’t noted many changes yet during the transition except for the ‘big corp’ stuff like required training… extra joy is the diversity training, business ethics, etc. are all based on EU standards. The hoorah speech was also a bit disheartening; they talked a lot about engineers and these massive infrastructure and large loss insurance stuff, but didn’t acknowledge us architects or our role. Primarily they do large loss insurance stuff; I do construction litigation stuff, not a lot of insurance.  I fear as this transition goes along new cases won’t be pursued and I’ll be involved more and more with disaster zone work and damage assessments versus defects in design and construction.  I won’t be thrilled wading through ash or mud however the travel may be nice and possibly international (at least that was the carrot dangled).  I have noticed higher turnover though as people bail.  I’m in a ‘wait and see’ mode, but have updated my resume.

My attitude at the moment appears to be ambivalent; I don’t feel strongly about much. Almost zombie mode just shuffling forward through life to hopeful retirement on this downhill leg: twelve years.

Oct 28, 20 12:23 pm  · 
3  · 
archanonymous

"Zombie mode" is an excellent way to sum this time up. Get up, grind, do it again.

3  · 
randomised

‘Eat sleep [revit] repeat, eat sleep [revit] repeat’
the soundtrack: https://youtu.be/ir0mfFRR8s4

1  · 
archi_dude

Its really bizarre when you see threads like this and realize there are still people actually socially distancing. Everything is pretty much back to normal here in SoCal. You wear a mask from the restaurant door to your table and order fries along with a drink in the bar and theres no traffic. The one common theme though is the high amount of unemployment and the unwillingness for management to hire. The excuses I hear are there isnt any one qualified. Meaning they dont want to train and they think anyone who lost their job is a terrible human being. I really think the only way to correct this is some overtime laws for white collar jobs. Its not getting better. The work from home thing is really speeding up the 24/7 work day and there is no market incentive to reverse it, need some market failure legislation on this one I think. 



Oct 28, 20 12:41 pm  · 
 · 
bowling_ball

Things couldn't be any different here in the great white north. Mask mandate in full effect. Most things open with reduced hours and 50% capacity. Groups limited to 5 people max. And numbers are still going up, so who knows? 90% of the cases are in long term care homes...

1  · 
sameolddoctor

I dunno what archi_dude is talking about - here in LA, mostly everyone is wearing masks, restaurants and bars are still doing only outdoor dining, and yes the traffic is much better. Many people in the film industry are unemployed though some are getting back to work slowly. It is still a very bizarre situation.

 · 
tduds

I keep meaning to write something in this thread and then I either get distracted or can't find the words or can't find the motivation to think of the words.

& it turns out that's a pretty good example of how I've been doing lately.

Oct 28, 20 2:56 pm  · 
12  · 
liberty bell

This is terrifyingly accurate for me.

2  · 
Non Sequitur

I'll admit, I waited a while to write mine. Saw OP's post before lunch... and thought about a response over the following 12hrs.

1  · 
Almosthip

I live in a very northern rural community.  We just exceed 100 cases for my city and county combined, which has enacted a face mask bylaw.    My workload has stayed the same if not increased a bit this year.  My daily life hasn't changed much.  My boss is super stressed about everything, so that is trickling down to everyone else.  My health sucks due to degenerative chronic condition, and my already limited access to Canadian health care has increased ten fold, as I live 5 hours north of a major city.  But I try not to stress about it cause that makes everything worse.

Oct 28, 20 3:25 pm  · 
2  · 
archanonymous

Hang in there, and try to remember that your boss' stress shouldn't be your stress!

1  · 
Almosthip

I am very lucky as I dont have the added stress of school age kids, I don't envy parents right now. Mine are all graduated from HS

1  · 
bowling_ball

Almosthip, I'm curious where you live. It sounds like you're even more north than I am. Just curious.

 · 
Non Sequitur

I always thought AHip was in FortM.

 · 
Almosthip7

Grande Prairie Alberta

2  · 
randomised

All 7 of you?

 · 
Almosthip

there are 7 kids between myself an my bf

 · 

Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me nothing has changed. We slowed down for about three weeks when the WFH order went into effect.  I was still coming into the office (the only one) and doing my normal 40 - 45 hours a week. 

When WFH ended things really picked up here.  I'm currently the only person working on 11 staggered projects with the possibility of three more coming my way.  All but two of my current projects are under $1 million construction cost however the remaining ones are larger and complex (the biggest could be $100 million).  I had to tell one of the partners that I can't accept anymore projects unless I get some help from others.  It's nice to be busy and feel useful however I'm on the verge of feeling like all I'm doing is running around with my hair on fire. 

With the rising COVID numbers I'm worried about what will happen in terms of personal health.  As a type 1 diabetic with asthma I have a good chance of COVID really messing me up if I were to get it.  As such I've been doing all the normal precautions plus staying away from any large groups and not eating out,  regardless of what state allows.


Fingers crossed!    

Oct 28, 20 5:47 pm  · 
3  · 
randomised

Fingers crossed indeed! It seems though that taking asthma meds might help according to anecdotal evidence as my 80 year old uncle went through it very mildly, he is on asthma medication and has been in very bad shape before because of asthma, his girlfriend who doesn't have asthma or any underlying illness had to be admitted to hospital...

1  · 
b3tadine[sutures]

I'm wondering the same thing, as I take a steroid - antihistamine - with my multi-vitamin and calcium daily.

 · 
Bench

Chad... if this is the case, shouldn't the office be adding staff?

1  · 

They should. To their credit they are trying to find people.

 · 
randomised

Since your profile is public I’d expect them to get quite a few calls after this...they’d be interviewing next week, hang in there!

 · 
Jaetten

Work-wise - no change, we appear to be doing ok.

Personally - not quite as good and recent problems with our house have not helped.

Oct 29, 20 9:32 am  · 
 · 
tintt

Work wise - busy.

Other stuff: conservative relatives picking fights name calling telling me I'm uneducated on facebook: check, remote school back to in-person but they are doing zoom remote school at their desks at school now: check (WTF), car won't start: check, kitchen faucet leaking: yup, potty training regression: why not, election spam emails, texts, and calls: past capacity. What else? Oh a flat tire earlier this week. Two actually. Nails from construction across the street. Forest fires and poor air quality, and now an invitation for a meeting on Saturday which is Halloween, the most important holiday. And we have mice (cats died). So it's going good!

Oct 29, 20 2:21 pm  · 
1  · 
x-jla

Want some edibles?

1  · 
tintt

yes please. I took some muscle relaxers earlier this week. oh heaven.

2  · 
Non Sequitur

tintt, you need more craft beers. You've fallen off the untappd app recently.

1  · 
SneakyPete

I've cut back to one alcohol a day and stopped using untappd. I don't know if I am happy or sad.

 · 
tintt

I went keto for a while. Still trying to. Plus, I've absolutely had every craft beer on the market I believe. I'm bored! Been delighting in vodka with club soda and lime juice and a splash of grenadine instead. 

1  · 
Non Sequitur

Y’all are missing something (citation needed). 8-)

 · 
Wood Guy

Tintt it would take a year just to get through the craft beers available here in Maine. I took a 6+ month break from drinking for health reasons but happy to be able to drink again. My wife and I are getting into wine, but I had a local stout tonight and it was damn good. https://untappd.com/b/foulmouthed-brewing-tammany/1999762

1  · 
Non Sequitur

WG, you rocking the app too?

 · 
randomised

I'd advice on quitting the alcohol all together and start cooking and baking fresh and healthy stuff to unwind, nothing as relaxing as watching stuff puff up in the oven with a cup of tea in your hand...could even infuse a little bit of marihuana in there sometimes if necessary.

1  · 
Wood Guy

Non, nope, just a coincidence--it was the first thing that came up on a search. I'll keep it in mind but my wife and I are consciously focusing on wines right now, using the Vivino app.

1  · 

Guy from Colorado says to smoke pot to unwind. :) Oddly I've never done it myself however I know some who swear by it . Also you'd have the added bonus of being a cliche! Win Win!

 · 
tintt

Thanks for the bro-tip, rando. Cooking and baking to unwind? I do that up to 3-4 times a day. Ganja makes me hyper, not relaxed.

1  · 
randomised

Ah yes, well don’t bake like that then!

 · 
x-jla

Tinnt, try micro dosing the weed. Small doses is calming.

 · 
Almosthip

I make my own gummies

 · 

Of course you do . . .

 · 
Almosthip7

.

 · 
atelier nobody

Work is stressful (primarily due to poor personal time management). Side effects of some meds are kicking my ass, and we're in the process of jiggering with dosages, so it's different every few days (tl;dr getting old SUX). I really, really, REALLY need a massage. Oh, and then there's politics...

Oct 29, 20 3:29 pm  · 
1  · 
bowling_ball

Can you not go get a massage? They're open for business where I am. If you need it as much as you say you do, you should do it.

1  · 
sp429

I was laid off due to the Pandemic. Had a tough time graduating at the end of the 08 recession too so it wasn't anything new, but it was pretty frustrating to get hammered down again. Found a new job, thankfully. I am honestly so grateful to have found a place where I feel like I am being valued. I do work a lot but I find it to be meaningful when the team is being supportive of each other and everyone makes the effort to communicate. 

Otherwise I am staying active. Found that running keeps the weight off. I was running endless circles in Central Park while unemployed, trying to find a meaning in life LOL. Don't have as much time for that but I try to stay in shape and check in on family and friends from time to time... 

Oct 29, 20 3:49 pm  · 
5  · 
archanonymous

Just made an appointment to put down my cat... feeling extra depressed now. He had a good run, though, almost 18 years old...

Nov 2, 20 12:41 pm  · 
 · 
bowling_ball

I'm sorry to hear that, it sucks. I sometimes think about my dogs getting older and it really bums me out for all sorts of reasons

 · 
sameolddoctor

Sorry for your loss, archanonymous. Take care.

 · 
Non Sequitur

A good friend of mine had to put down both their dogs this summer... a few weeks apart from each other. Not something I want to experience at this time. Take care.

 · 
archanonymous

thanks everyone. Its kind of weird because he's still with us (curled up on my feet now), but most days in pretty bad pain and can't move around too well anymore... but having the appointment on the calendar has taken a bit of the anxiety away.

 · 
gibbost

It's not fair that we outlive our pets. They become such a part of the ordinary fabric of our lives. Sorry to hear.

 · 

I personally do not plan on outliving my dog by more than a few weeks.

 · 
SneakyPete

Aren't you a little young for that statement?

 · 
x-jla

I have a tortoise and a parrot. They may actually outlive me, and I’m pretty young.

 · 

Sneaky - I'm 42. My dog is ten. With my medical history I'll probably die around 50.

 · 
x-jla

Unfortunately my dog turns 14 tomorrow....

 · 

Aw, archanonymous, I'm sorry. I had a cat live to 18, but had her put to sleep for same reasons - she was just in pain. Still sad to lose her. I hope you feel peace when he's at peace - sometimes it's just the right decision.

2  · 

That's exactly how I feel about some people - myself included. :)

 · 
proto

let the national day of anxiety begin...

Nov 3, 20 12:01 pm  · 
1  · 

I'm feeling so much anxiety I can hardly function - and all of my coworkers are short tempered and irritated too. 


Nov 3, 20 12:14 pm  · 
2  · 
SneakyPete

Everything will be OK.

2  · 
Non Sequitur

Gotta ignore those irritated wankers.

My 4y old boy wore a pink unicorn costume to school last friday. It's his favorite and he was very proud of it. That thought is enough to brighten my day.

6  · 

Try a Nerf gun 'war' with you coworkers. We do that here when the partners are out. Five minutes of running around like children, screaming in delight while shooting everyone with soft foam darts. It's a great stress reliever. 

 Just don't aim for the face.

2  · 

Only time the partners would all be out of my office is when they have their annual retreat ... 

Hold up! I just figured out what they do at their retreat!

 · 
chris-chitect

Chad's got the right idea. Back when we all worked in the office we had games, sometimes a puzzle and always had music on. Various coworkers would take over the music to play something ridiculous with inappropriate lyrics to just break the tension and get a laugh. Even better, get out for a few minutes with the team. If you're in an urban area go check out something new together for 15 minutes. It will feel like a mini field trip and instantly lift people up.

1  · 
b3tadine[sutures]

You'll shoot your eye out kid.

2  · 

That's kind of the point with Nerf guns.

1  · 
Non Sequitur

I’ve replaced a few parts of off the shelf nerf blasters and one of them would certainly cause some damage it it hit you in the eye. Too bad it’s too powerful and tends to shred the foam dart more than shoot it.

 · 

I modified an older nerf gun a few years ago - one of those long rifles. I had to get after market darts because they would be destroyed after 2-3 times being shot. That's when I learned that you can get non foam darts for modified nerf guns. Basically they're plastic or aluminum bullets with a variety of different tips. These things are basically a 'less than lethal' projectile similar to what law enforcement uses. 'Murica. :(

1  · 
Non Sequitur

Chad, I got a few hundred Chinese darts... the ones with solid plastic tips instead of the soft safety nerf ones. Those work well with the extra force but don't feed well in the nerf magazines. They will leave a welt if you hit a soft spot. I modified a long bolt-action riffle too... new 10lbs resistance spring and steel plates claimed to get 85ft/sec.

 · 
randomised's comment has been hidden
randomised

trying to memorise how to say “elhamdullilah” just in case...

Nov 3, 20 12:59 pm  · 
 ·  1
sameolddoctor

?

 · 

Given rando's comments in Politics Central a couple weeks ago, I'm assuming religious bigotry with his comment.

 · 
sameolddoctor

I wasn't following Politics Central (to keep my sanity), but now I get it.

 · 

keep the sanity

 · 
sameolddoctor

Also, you gotta love europeans like Rando living in welfare states and hating on candidates that aim to bring a tiny iota of that into the US.

3  · 

not trying to defend him or anything, but I think it's less to do with social policy and more to do with foreign policy. Not sure I'll ever recover the brain cells wasted on that information.

2  · 
sameolddoctor

Again, foreign policy sitting around in a welfare state in Europe is rather different from an immigration based country like the US. Its just funny how US politics is everyone's business, even though Europeans decry the state of the US every opportunity they get.

But yes, enough brain cells wasted, lets keep the sanity.

1  · 
randomised

It’s not bigotry, it is self preservation, our free and open democratic society is under attack by a repulsive backward ideology of hate...just in a few days a petition to ban certain cartoons and blasphemy altogether has been signed over 90k times in my country! Instead of people standing up for our freedoms and support French president Macron they support the terrorists that kill because of silly drawings. My well-being and that of the people I care about is under attack, literally...As Macron said it, for people who can’t handle cartoons or criticism of their so-called prophet there is no place in our midst, they should all just fuck the hell off...

 ·  1
square.

rationalized bigotry is still bigotry.

keep this trash out of the "wellbeing check-in" thread, please.

 ·  1

Well now that he's confirmed the intent, I went ahead and flagged the comments. Hoping the mods can hide them at a bare minimum.

2  · 

Thanks!

2  · 
randomised

I’m being flagged for worries about my well being about an ideology that inspires people to cut off people’s heads over the discussion of a fucking cartoon, nice! It’s not bigotry when it is verifiably true, just read “Mein Koran”, you wouldn’t stand up for nazis or nazism (rightfully so) but play the useful idiot so admirably for something as horrendous as islam and the proud boys of mohammed. There is an existential struggle for the survival of human rights, freedom and democracy going on at the moment, you made your pick and chose your side...

 · 
randomised

“ Also, you gotta love europeans like Rando living in welfare states and hating on candidates that aim to bring a tiny iota of that into the US.”

I am not hating on any candidates that try to introduce a welfare state in the US, or a tiny iota of it, you said you haven’t read PC, it shows...I don’t hate Biden at all, he simply never had a chance, get out of your bubble. Must be weird for someone all across the Atlantic to have a better sense of American politics and how people will vote than most Americans on here. All this talk about people lacking critical thinking skills, it clearly shows, the ideological blind spots and wishful thinking against all odds and facts, I am truly surprised. Y’all are supposed to be intelligent and educated here but you are so ideologically biased and seem to throw that all out the window for rare or card reading or something, it is like watching a car crash again and again...my condolances

 · 
randomised

*rare or card reading = tarot card reading :)

 · 
tduds

Oh no the wellbeing thread is becoming detrimental to my wellbeing.

Nov 3, 20 3:59 pm  · 
3  · 
bowling_ball

Do like I did today. Cut out after lunch and get drunk with your friends. It's a temporary solution, but what isn't?

1  · 
tduds

I'm way too busy this week to knock off at lunch - should be outta here in 30 though.

 · 
bowling_ball

I'm currently dealing with 4 different lawyers from 4 different firms this week about two different issues and I already feel like I've worked 40 hours. My drink is well deserved.

1  · 
curtkram

BB, if you stay drunk, it's a permanent solution

2  · 
bowling_ball

I've moved on to weed. It is election night, after all.

2  · 

I second gibbost's appreciation of the catharsis/sharing.

As for me, still WAH and will be through at least "summer" of 2021, per latest from leadership. With discussions beginning around potentially some teams going permanent remote.

Spring/summer wasn't too bad, but in last couple of months we lost our oldest dog and I am currently recovering from knee surgery. The even temporary lack of mobility has made the whole thing a bit harder. I didn't realize how much just taking a walk with my firstborn at end of day was doing for me.

Absolutely been drinking/smoking more...

More recently one of the neighbors texted night before our planned socially distanced backyard Easter Egg Hunt meets Halloween event, to inform us they had just been diagnosed with COVID19. Luckily they are doing fairly well but I'm just glad result turnaround times for testing are quick here in CO... What if they had found out 24 hrs later. The whole thing has certainly re-upped the level of anxiety to early pandemic levels. More generally as Chad mentioned numbers here (though I suppose basically everywhere) are shooting up and I am beginning to mentally prepare for a "dark winter".

As for tonight I am having one more drink and then throwing in the towel. Hoping for results in next 24-48 hrs to be more like 2018 than 2016. Meaning as they come in the "progressives" lead just continues to grow. So only gets better from here...but who knows!

Nov 3, 20 11:09 pm  · 
1  · 
SneakyPete

you know and I know and thee know

that as the yellow shade rips
as the cat leaps wild-eyed
as the old bartender leans on the wood
as the hummingbird sleeps

you know and I know and thee know

as the tanks practice on false battlefields
as your tires work the freeway
as the midget drunk on cheap bourbon cries alone at night
as the bulls are carefully bred for the matadors
as the grass watches you and the trees watch you
as the sea holds creatures vast and true

you know and I know and thee know

the sadness and the glory of two slippers under a bed
the ballet of your heart dancing with your blood
young girls of love who will someday hate their mirrors
overtime in hell
lunch with sick salad

you know and I know and thee know

the end as we know it now it seems such a lousy trick
after the lousy agony but

you know and I know and thee know

the joy that sometimes comes along out of nowhere
rising like a falcon moon across the impossibility

you know and I know and thee know

the cross-eyed craziness of total elation
we know we finally have not been cheated

you know and I know and thee know

as we look at our hands our feet our lives our way
the sleeping hummingbird
the murdered dead of armies
the sun that eats you as you face it

you know and I know and thee know

we will defeat death.

-Bukowski

Nov 4, 20 12:39 pm  · 
1  · 

I'm doing very poorly today, mentally and emotionally. 

Nov 4, 20 3:45 pm  · 
2  · 
Wood Guy

Donna, I recommend watching this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hvvb1nvZzc&fbclid=IwAR2PUjfXOkGi0Lj7lL76OKkhoyZkX_XOZDdrJ4XBMkLPaqftYp6YXRx4_KQ. My wife found it a couple of weeks ago and we have found it surprisingly effective.

2  · 
bowling_ball

Donna, I know it's easier said than done but please try to not be so hard on yourself. I would be more concerned if you WEREN'T stressed out right now. We're in a pandemic, you're waiting for the results of the most important presidential election in your lifetime, the planet is warming, your healthcare system - nay, your entire social safety net is practical nonexistent - and we're headed into the long winter months, to say nothing of your own personal situation. Things are fucked up all over and it's okay to feel fucked up because of it. Nearly all of the above is temporary, keep in mind, and things will get better as they always do. Hang in there!

2  · 
x-jla

Apologies for the other thread, I was paying attention to the words, and ignoring the pain behind them. Stay strong and keep ya head up!

 · 
bowling_ball

I mentioned a little while back that I was feeling anxious about how goddamn stupid the average person is, and today I saw something that may have topped it all.

I was filling my car at the gas station, and from the other side of the pump, I hear a bunch of clicks, exactly as happens when the pump stops automatically to prevent over filling the tank. Standard stuff. But I'm hearing it 20 or 30 times in a row. I look over and the middle aged woman is pumping gas into her minivan, not understanding at all what's going on. I thought about offering to help, but if she's that stupid, what's the point? She looked like a normal person with a normal vehicle. As I'm finishing up, I look over and I see her pull the pump out and spray gas all over the side of her minivan. She stops it, then puts the gas cap in place, which causes more gas to flow down the side and onto the ground. 

This woman was driving, so she's not a vegetable, and I can't imagine you get to 50 years old, driving, and have never filled a car with gas before. It was surreal, depressing, and probably very telling of the sheer stupidity of some (many?) of the people who surround us daily. 

I feel defeated after seeing that. I still can't believe my eyes. 

Nov 4, 20 6:57 pm  · 
3  · 
SneakyPete

Might be from Jersey or Oregon.

1  · 
bowling_ball

I'm in Canada. And not even Alberta.

1  · 
midlander

some mornings i put the milk in the sink and my plates in the fridge. maybe she was having an off day.

1  · 
JonathanLivingston

I'll second the feelings here and appreciation of a place to vent to peers. I try to keep things at work bottled up tight. No one wants to see emotion in the workplace. I am a grown man but I have gone into the bathroom to cry multiple times over the past 6 months. Architecture seems trivial at the moment. 

Politics have alienated me from my conservative family. I got off social media because I couldn't take seeing my parents racist posts and perpetuating the worst propaganda purposefully, which at times feels like it has cut me off further from people who I did interact with even if it allows me to not see the worst in my close family.

I took a job close to home just before the pandemic hit to try cut down on commuting time. Wife is the primary breadwinner. Now I find myself feeling like I could be let go at any point work slows. Losing my meager paycheck would be really bad. My performance is lack luster to say the least and I feel horribly guilty about it. My employer insists on work from the office and every hour gets questioned. I don't know that I would employee me at the moment. I don't feel like I can focus on anything. Thoughts of striking out on my own are too daunting to consider at the moment. The people I work with don't have kids, or if they do they are near 70 and have a spouse who doesn't work. I work in Revit, they draw by hand and have no idea what I do until they see a printed set and they don't look past that. 

My marriage has been incredibly impacted by the virus, compounding previous problems as my wife's work load has only increased since the virus shut things down. I need to do more but can't. We have 2 small children, 1 still in diapers. I don't remember the last time I slept through the night. Remote schooling and on and off daycare have been a real challenge. It seems we are headed into divorce. I sprint from work and home multiple times a day to take care of kids and family members who tell me they hate me. I know the kids don't mean it, they just want candy and TV, but it still hurts. 

Family member recently diagnosed with cancer. I don't know how to lend them the support they need. I have thought about suicided at least twice since March but found help and some medication to deal with the deep depression that pulled me to that irrational place. It was a strange internal monolog that constantly told me I was worthless.

I try to workout, read few pages of a book and journal a single page each day after everyone is asleep. Establishing that routine, and getting into therapy for the first time in my life has been my positive forward improvement. It's what I have. But I still feel so alone. 

Seeing this thread helps. The insanity of this election does not. Day by day seems the only way. But this is no way to live. Things have to change soon. 

Nov 4, 20 7:39 pm  · 
11  · 
curtkram

there's no way you can take a gap year? find something to cut? like take a bit extra time at home to cook rice and beans instead of going out or whatever. things will go back to normal, it's just going to take a while. if you can step back and focus on the things that are important it might help. working with people who still draw by hand isn't what's important.

3  · 

jonathan: Don't beat yourself up. Every damn day I am grateful that I'm *not* parent of a young child in this pandemic moment. You are dealing with an overwhelmingly difficult and stressful situation right now. I don't have any solution except to say do not be hard on yourself that you are feeling overwhelmed! It's a normal, natural, healthy reaction to the situation you are in. Even under the best of circumstances life with a kid in diapers is exhausting, and you're doing it under practically the worst, most unpredictable circumstances we can imagine!

7  · 
Dank Gehry

stay strong. even if you don't know it, you're an example for other people. especially to younger generations.

2  · 
chris-chitect

There was a really good documentary on Netflix called "Happy". I remember watching it a few years ago and one of the sources of happiness was doing positive things for others. It wasn't until I reached 30 or so that I realized and started to appreciate just how dedicated my parents were. Few kids have the capacity to really understand it, and sprinting home to take care of the kids might feel like it's going unappreciated, but I can tell you, they will one day have the maturity to understand what you've done. In other words, you don't need to take on more positive things for others to find happiness, you just have to recognise the positive things you're already doing.

3  · 
Wood Guy

Jonathan, we are all dealing with a lot but you have a confluence of major issues, each of which would cause anyone stress. The fact that you're here and posting is a good sign. I know "the pit" of depression well--when it strikes it's like you're another person--I have learned that I can wait it out and things will improve before long, but it's a scary place to be when you're there. I don't have any answers for you except to keep going, keep trying and things will get better for you. Actually one suggestion--this may sound rude, but do you have friends or a friends' group locally? Since I moved several years ago I have not made friends locally, but do have a couple of architect friends I chat with via Messenger daily. Forums like this one are great but I've found it extremely helpful to be able to share my woes (and wins) with peers who will understand, and I can support/celebrate with them as well.

3  · 
b3tadine[sutures]

I give you all credit. I find talking about this with others, not in the mental health field, quite difficult, stigmatizing, and horrible sign of my weakness. I'm sure that's my own father issues, and my inability to create a space for my own self care. Kudos to all of you.

4  · 
Black_Orchid

Jonathan, I cannot speak from experience as everyone's situation is unique. As someone who has not personally experienced depression (yet) I was given a swift kick in the ass accompanied with extreme confusion/frustration when my better half went through a bought. As most young men would probably do I internalized it and thought it probably was something I could try to help fix, or thoughts about if it was our marriage (newly wed on top of it). She started seeing a therapist regularly (find a good therapist, it may take a few...), some low dose anxiety medication and took a FMLA for two months to get back on track. Having gone through that experience for me was incredibly difficult, but watching her on the path to bettering herself, and a little bit of learning on my end along the way has really shown me that things happen in waves and it is really difficult to pull yourself up when you are at the bottom because it is near impossible to get into the mental space to do so. Glad to see you are getting some help during this wild time and give yourself the opportunity to celebrate the small wins. Give yourself some time to yourself if you need it to do what you love, whatever that may be, even if you are too busy....make time, your partner will understand. It has been humbling to read through everyone's post, and really appreciate you all taking the time.....we're all here together.

3  · 
x-jla

JL, here’s a Buddhist quote that I’ve found myself thinking about...not sure how it fits your situation, but I have a hunch that it will help “living in the past is depression, living in the future is anxiety, living in the present is peace.” That’s very true imo, and I have struggled greatly with depression and anxiety. My mother and brother both have schizophrenia, and my sister has been on meds for depression for years. I’m genetically prone I guess, but making a conscious effort to live in the present is very helpful.

1  · 
x-jla

And I’ll add, the cathedral to the present is nature...thinks like hiking force you to concentrate on each and every step, and the constant real-time stimuli of nature locks you into that state...I’ve found that repetition helps a lot with present thinking...especially hiking on irregular terrain.

1  · 
x-jla

Make time to reset your mind. Take a break, alone, and love yourself (not in a gross way). And at some point, you have to cut negative people out of your mental space, and if that doesn’t work, then you may have to cut them out of your life.

1  · 
JonathanLivingston

Thank you all for the responses and support. I don't want to dwell on my issues or feel like a victim in any way. It's good to feel understood here though as it's often difficult for me to explain the struggles of architecture in relation to the struggles of life to anyone. I'm making progress out of this place but this period will undoubtedly go down as the darkest days of my life. 

1  · 
JonathanLivingston

Donna, Dank and Chris You are right a positive self-image goes a long way towards combating these lows. It has been through small self-improvements, exercise, and learning some new skills that I have been most able to foster that.

 · 
JonathanLivingston

x-jla, and Chris, I have found a lot of help reading some stoic philosophy, mainly the Meditation of Marcus Aurelius and some of the American Transcendentalists; Thoreau, and Emerson. that I was fond of during the early years of school I'm not a religious person but perhaps fostering a new spiritual awakening within myself that has been helpful. The closeness with nature and self-awareness of oneself has been important to me on this path. So yeah that Buddist quote rings true to a degree.

1  · 
archanonymous

Seneca or GTFO!

2  · 
archanonymous

JL - glad you are coping well. Agree it's nice to just have a place to vent and feel understood. Your Archinect family (dysfunctional as it may be) is here for you!

 · 
sameolddoctor

Much love to you JL, it is hard being in the situation you are in. Regarding the pandemic, it is my belief that a lot of our problems have existed for a while, this situation has brought it all on the surface as most of us are all stuck in the same space with our families for close to 8 months now. Do not worry about job loss (I know its easy to say), but I do not think anyone is going to let go of the only Revit person in their office! Best to not focus on stuff that's not in our hands.

A family member with cancer is the most stressful situation I have ever been in. It is a disease that sucks off all life from everyone in the family, not just the patient. Add to it the endless doctor's visits, chemos etc, and it gets very stressful. Hope you have other family to help you out with this and that the patient recovers or gets better very soon.

Take care, and hope you fell better soon!

3  · 
shellarchitect

Dark times will pass! It wasn’t too long ago that I was waking up at 3 am every day. Young kids make life so much harder sometimes

 · 
randomised

Have one in diapers too, the other one just out but luckily they sleep well and so do we. Whatever you’re going through keep talking to your wife about it. And it is totally okay to loosen some ties with people that make you feel worse instead of better. Prioritise you’re time and energy and focus on the situation at home, can’t help everybody else and go under yourself, how will that help anyone? It is like the oxygen masks in the plane in case of emergency, first make sure to wear it yourself before putting it on others.

 · 
bowling_ball

This is your reminder that there's people outside of archinect who love you and would really appreciate hearing from you. So call your parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, and loved ones. - I'm sure they'd appreciate hearing from you.

Nov 5, 20 7:54 pm  · 
4  · 
shellarchitect

I love this thread! It’s such a nice reminder that these names are all people, with a lot more going on then a periodic comment here.


I was doing pretty well until earlier today.  Firm has laid off most of staff, I’m one of the few architects remaining, “A” team I guess, working 32 hour weeks, which I really like.  I’m been fairly steamed about the post election bickering.  
Just found out that our school district is going back to full distance learning starting Monday.  I have no idea how we are going to hold down jobs and “teach” an 8 year old anything.   The next couple months are going to really suck over here.  

Nov 5, 20 9:13 pm  · 
5  · 
liberty bell

I’m sorry to hear this, shellarchitect. I’m also very concerned about the economy and many architecture firms’ ability to keep the doors open much longer.

3  ·  1
sameolddoctor

My well-being has gotten better with current political happenings. It doesn’t change anything for me in the short term, but does feel good.

Nov 7, 20 1:10 pm  · 
8  · 
x-jla's comment has been hidden
x-jla

my realtor said she’s had more calls today to sell property then the entire month combined. Lots of people are anticipating an economic crash with biden
in office

 ·  2
SneakyPete

my executive chef said she's had more luck finding fresh produce today than in the entirety of last month. Lots of people are anticipating a bumper crop with biden in office.

3  · 
babs

x-jla: "Lots of people are anticipating an economic crash with biden in office"

Stupid comment ... that's like a saying an avalanche caused by a skier halfway up the slope should be blamed on the skier killed by that same avalanche at the bottom of the slope. 

If there's a crash it will be because Trump failed to address the pandemic which is now totally out of control (Trump played golf today while the country was set a new daily record of 134,377 new Covid cases) ... the impact of that failure will be a weakened economy ... you can't blame Biden for Trump's failings.

2  · 
x-jla

Hahaha. So trumps gonna get blamed for Biden’s failures...yet Biden And Obama preceded trump...so how does that work?

 ·  2
SneakyPete

You are so god-damned dumb.

5  · 
midlander

Jlax, are you saying Biden has already succeeded at reducing housing costs? great!

1  · 
b3tadine[sutures]

Xlax take it elsewhere. Aside from being "god-damned dumb" you're violating the terms of this thread.

3  · 
sameolddoctor

Sorry for bringing this topic to this thread...

 ·  1
square.

you can't be blamed for the incurable disease that is xlax's politics.

 · 
tduds

.

4  · 

sameolddoctor, my thumbs down on your reply above is because you shouldn't have to apologize for bringing it up. 

It wasn't a problem that you brought it up if it affects your wellbeing. The problem was that jla used it as an opportunity to spew his usual garbage. 

This thread to me is like a group therapy session where we all have a chance to speak our mind and support one another. jla's comment wasn't made to be supportive, it was only made to be divisive. If someone came in here and said they were really bummed that their preferred candidate lost, I'd like to think that we'd all let them vent and say "it will be ok" without trying to disagree with them.

2  · 
SneakyPete

He's the guy who brings heroin to a rehab meeting because that guy over there relapsed.

2  · 
urbanity

i stay off the politics threads because i don't want to read political rants. please take it elsewhere!

Nov 8, 20 12:01 pm  · 
5  · 
randomised

But what if it’s the politics that influence the well-being, one way or the other?

1  · 
bowling_ball

The weather here is amazing today (19c instead of 0c like usual) so I went outside with a beer or three this evening and had a fire in the backyard. Put on some music (Atmosphere if you're curious), my dog beside me as I sit in a shitty old lawn chair, and this is my happy place.


Happy Sunday, everyone. I hope everyone had a chance to recharge before the week ahead. 

Nov 8, 20 8:37 pm  · 
5  · 
aflow

The first wave of COVID (Spring in Europe) helped me understand that it is time to move on from big architectural practices and to create my own small office - tum up - .... However, the second one, ongoing, made me realise that this is not the "best" time to launch myself into something that suicidal, considering the general crisis, and that I'm currently stuck.... no idea how long for. 

I just cross my fingers that: 1. 2020 is almost over and Covid will leave us together with this bloody year; 2. I manage not to end up in burn-out (once again); 3. I keep up my motivation and trust on the project ; 4. I don't loose completely the confidence in myself and on the fact that I can handle it ... 

I know, I know.... I'm lucky that I still have a job, as frustrating as it might be, and that my family, my dear ones and me are all healthy. I shouldn't complain...but sometimes it helps to let it out.

Be safe, everyone!

Nov 9, 20 4:42 pm  · 
2  · 
bowling_ball

After a great weekend of relaxing, and after last week when I felt somehow caught up with most work, I remembered this morning that I completely forgot to get some feasibility work done (deadline tomorrow). Got a two day extension, thankfully, but for whatever reason I didn't sleep at all last night so I produced nothing all day and stressed the fuck out about it (it's a $50+M project). It's rare I feel this stressed out because of work, but today is one of those days. Not sure how I'm going to pull a week's worth of work out of my ass in 2 days, when I've logged maybe 5 hours of AutoCAD in the last 5 years. Here's hoping to a better tomorrow.

Nov 9, 20 10:49 pm  · 
1  · 
bowling_ball

I wanted to follow up on my post as a reminder to myself and others that all stress is temporary. I got the work done and submitted before my extension date ("under promise and over deliver"), even though it took a couple of days and evenings. This is also a reminder that not everything is under your control - my Thursday meetings (the reason I had to put in the extra hours) were all cancelled at the last minute by others. Everything turned out just fine and I celebrated with an early Friday happy hour. These are ultimately low stake stresses, but they can still seem much bigger than they should be at the time. It all events out in the end.

 · 
rcz1001

Alive! 

Feel slightly better that we'll actually have a President for the next 4 years (and hopefully for many more years). No, I am not going to spend time to debate xlax's political views because I have better things to do than to poison my mind with that xlax thread. All I have to say is like it has always been, make a claim and back it with evidence to support it. If you use courts to solve your grievances, you have basic judicial standards that applies and it doesn't matter who you are, political or any other kind of affiliation. Enough said on politics.

As for myself, I'm doing fine right now.


Nov 10, 20 12:18 am  · 
3  · 
randomised

Guess who’s back? https://youtu.be/YVkUvmDQ3HY

1  · 

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