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The Night Before Layoffs

Dec 9 '08 22 Last Comment
e
Dec 9, 08 3:54 pm

The Night Before Layoffs
via Gelatobaby

Twas LA in a downturn and all through downtown,
Not a crane was stirring; no foundations in-ground.
The scaffolding covered the buildings with care,
In hopes that the financing soon would be there.

Eli Broad was asleep, on his piles of money
With $30 million for MOCA nestled close to his tummy.
And Gail Goldberg was snoozing, so was Mayor Villaraigosa,
Telling staffers to wake them when all this was over.

When on Bunker Hill there arose such a clatter,
Louder than NIMBYs in the Republic of Santa Monica!
Upon this disturbance the journalists swooped,
If only to prevent bloggers from getting the scoop.

The electronic billboards gave off such a glow
That the luster of iPod ads was on objects below.
When what should our wondering eyes next detect,
But a hybrid Lexus, and eight starchitects!

With a little old driver, his head so white and hairy,
We knew in a moment it must be Frank Gehry!
They set right to work, like industrious elves,
And swore to build Grand Avenue all by themselves!

Now, Thom! Now, Renzo! Now, Eric Owen Moss!
On Richard! On Norman! On Hadid and Koolhaas!
“Yay,” cheered the starchitects, building wall after wall
“We don’t need those developers to help us at all!”

But Frank’s not the only LA designer forced to improvise
When met with an obstacle that’s left funding dry
We hear Shepard Fairey’s in such a bad way
He took down all the Obama posters and sold them on eBay

How bad is it really? Well, here’s a start:
Eames Demetrios is selling Charles and Ray stamps as “original art”
Murakami’s moving to LA to become Kanye’s bitch
And Julius Shulman can’t retire until he’s 126.

From SCI-Arc to CalArts, USC to Otis,
Design schools are hurting for funds, as you’ll notice.
Actually, Art Center had no problems at all,
Until Richard Koshalek tried to build his own Disney Hall.

Christopher Hawthorne became AEG’s biggest rival
When he declared LA Live as dead on arrival.
But now with the downturn he’s forced to be nicer
So the LA Times doesn’t lose them as valuable advertisers

We know the LA Forum has a new home in Hollywood
But they’re renting it hourly to “friends” in the ‘hood.
The Wolf Prix-designed high school with that stuff on its side
Will be opening on the weekends as a new water slide

Philippe Starck quit design this year, declaring it through
Meanwhile six million more Katsuyas are coming to a city near you
Sure SBE seems recession-proof, launching bars and hotels
Truth is they’re outsourcing all jobs to the cast of The Hills

Murray Moss’s two LA locations are under such financial stress
He’s launching a knock-off store called Moss: Baas for Less.
After the auction at Christie’s with no big cha-ching,
The Kaufmann House will be home to The Real World: Palm Springs.

Speaking of TV, the design shows? They’re doomed.
Project Runway will now be called Sewing with Heidi Klum.
Top Design will no longer feature designers matching wits
But instead focus exclusively on Kelly Wearstler’s outfits.

Now celebrity designers, that’s one place that’s not lacking,
Lindsay Lohan designed a line of leggings that has financial backing.
And look at Brad Pitt, he’s the most famous designer in history!
He Made it Right in New Orleans and made it with Angelina Jolie.

Yes, we’re seeing “imaginary design” as the hot new trend,
Like the safe, “unbuilt curves” of Ed Roski’s football stadium.
Or debating the “possibility” of the Subway to the Sea’s limits;
It’s cheaper, more fun and you don’t need any permits.

Now don’t get upset, we don’t thrive on such doubt,
(But without all this drama there’s really nothing to write about!)
We’ll end on a high note, no point in dismaying,
May next year be your best ever, and all your clients be paying!

 

Dapper Napper
Dec 9, 08 4:27 pm

Bra-vo!

rambleon
Dec 9, 08 4:37 pm

great...now all we need is John Malkovich to read it aloud, surrounded by starry-eyed architecture students

vado retro
Dec 9, 08 4:39 pm

eggnogcellent~

WonderK
Dec 9, 08 5:12 pm

Brilliant!

peridotbritches
Dec 9, 08 5:31 pm

vado. I love you.

vado retro
Dec 9, 08 5:57 pm

get in line!

binary
Dec 9, 08 6:15 pm

ohhh snap

brian buchalski
Dec 9, 08 6:16 pm

i didn't know it was so rough to be in los angeles. how sad.

binary
Dec 9, 08 6:29 pm

in l.a. you have to watch your colors... holmes...

Appleseed
Dec 9, 08 6:37 pm

Absolutly the best thing I've read in quite a while. Must read for any fan of Curbed.

****melt
Dec 9, 08 6:45 pm

Awesome.

vado retro
Dec 9, 08 7:07 pm

its almost as good as archinect pie.

e
Dec 9, 08 7:38 pm

never as good as archinect pie. pie is delish.

Apurimac
Dec 9, 08 7:55 pm

I think I'll try to make one up about the NYC arch scene...

Apurimac
Dec 9, 08 8:11 pm

On second thought, it would take way too long to come up with something original, so I'll just hope Vado does one instead.

Orhan AyyüceOrhan Ayyüce
Dec 10, 08 2:11 pm

this is more like a gossip...errr... design hipster writer stuff... vado is an artist. the difference is clear.

vado retro
Dec 10, 08 9:41 pm

thanks orhan!

liberty bell
Dec 10, 08 10:34 pm

Aww, Orhan - you are sweet, and so wise.

Lookout Kid
Dec 10, 08 11:42 pm

My wife just told me that I'm a big nerd for laughing at this...

eCoDe
Dec 15, 08 1:07 am

This is great. I really love the writing and I admire someone is really good at this.

The CA Builder/Developer
Dec 16, 08 12:38 pm

WOW! Beautiful! And this from a contractor!

Happy Holidays all!

Don

treekiller
Dec 16, 08 1:45 pm

hah!

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