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LEED has unveiled a new level of certification, Protactinium.
In order to qualify for the standard, building designers must commit to a lifetime of celibacy and staff the building exclusively with doe-eyed orphans from third world countries. The building must be a net CO2 sink, producing more oxygen than it consumes. Any bamboo used in construction must be certified panda-free. In the event that straw bale construction is used, the straw must be free-range, sustainably harvested straw.
The building must also levitate above the ground to preserve the site for future use. Only free-range, sustainably harvested electromagnets may be used to levitate the building. The electromagnets should also give back 10% of their energy to levitate doe-eyed orphans in third world countries.
the electromagnets are there to sterilize you...don't be fooled.
this is less costly then anticipated. prior announcements from the USGBC had 'first born' and 'an arm and a leg' as prerequisites for protactinium certification.
Do the free range orphans have to grow their own food off the structure?
The free-range orphans will be grown hydroponically on sustainably harvested straw bales. The orphans will also be required to have at least 35% post-consumer recycled content including hemp diapers. The heat generated by the orphans will feed geothermal heat pumps linked to wind turbines. The turbines will then grind hemp seeds used to feed the orphans.
orphans ---> heat pumps ---> turbines --> ground hemp --> orphans
cradle to cradle moose drool?
did they drop the part about all drawings not being plotted? something about using the amazon e-ink reader with automatic translation to spanish
I'm holding out for Unobtanium.
I suppose all the clothing for the crew must be supplied by the United Colors of Benetton?
Yes, the crew will wear Benetton. We will hire American Apparel models because they are emaciated and weigh less, which means lower fuel costs on the job site.
but those emaciated models do less work pound for pound. it's not about using less fuel, but accomplishing more with the same amount of kryptonite emissions.
I thought it was CO2? I would emagine American Apparel models would emit less methane than your standard GC crew and we all know how methane is a major global warming factor.
I ordered American Apparel models, but this guy ate them all.
OMG! This is awesome! Except for that picture right there ^ Ew.
i was hoping to get some leed points by using free range orphans in my fireplace rather than arsenic laced 2x4's...
Free range orphans are known to be a viable alternative to pressure treated lumber. An alternative is organic pandas. The high bamboo content in the pandas' diet makes them excellent kindling. They also make great kitchen countertops in a loft with a black & white theme.
I recently redid a kitchen in SoHo with organic panda.
Harp seals make good insulation!
You can only get them when they're in season though as Canada is trying to maintain a healthy population of them.
Harp seals and polar bears. Blown-in harp seal pups have an R value of about 25.
I'm not sure if using an endangered species as insul would qualify for protactinium level LEED, unless they were free-range, organically harvested endangered species.
A Baby Harp Seal walks into a bar.
Bartender:"Hey Baby Harp Seal, what'll ya have?"
Baby Harp Seal:"Anything but a Canadian Club on-the-rocks"
USGBC says it's fine to use what are called "salvage species", basically the mammalian version of salvage timber. The recent fires in Southern California produced a tremendous amount of slightly crisp, but still usuable Chihuahuas that spawned a new line of eco-friendly designer handbags.
So, recycled harp seals it is then.
Is there anything in the literature about the use of stray dogs or cats as insulation? I believe their r-value is quite good and they are obviously free-range. It's the organic part that might be the problem as I imagine they do a lot of scavenging.
Stray dogs or cats can't be used as they contain too many heavy metals. However, shelter kittens make great insulation and are relatively free of impurities.
Below is a modular "block" kitten insulation system for standard
This homeowner is using a new organic, sustainably grown albino kitten mix to insulate an attic space.
this thread has made my week.
I heard that whale blubber is a low VOCs alternative for carpet underlayment (and it's organic!)
Whale blubber works great. Here is a new EnergyStar washing machine that I suggest to clients. Uses 75% less electricity than conventional models. We also include free of charge a 100% sustainably grown bamboo cane if the machine breaks down.
Make sure u all come out and see my band "The Volatile Orgasmic Compounds"!!! we are loading up the hummer with our marshall stacks and are about to hit the road "EnergyDeathStar'08-HIde The KittensTour" KIck Ass
This thread made it all the way to Treehugger.
those amish kids make good insulation also.
^ regarding how we made it all the way to treehugger.com
^^ That seriously rocks.
fresh off the presses:
Protactinium Certification is being made official by the USGBC in LEED 2009. For all buildings certified at the Protactinium level, the architects will receive $1 million from the USGBC, and will be offered jobs at Arcosanti.
after you achieve LEED-Fellow, what comes next?
All the LEED you can eat for life?
next is WEED-Friend... which in turns follows the hemp
more to burn
WEED LEED dealer? or grower?
How did I miss this thread?
Moose Drool Forever!
Not sure how I missed this thread either... definitely getting a mention in the next few days.
Regarding "WEED Accreditation", a friend of mine proposed creating a rival "Wasting Energy and Environmental Devastation" certification and accreditation program targeting mcmansions, climate change deniers, and Dubai in general... Talk about a large target market!
and FYI... albino kittens are better emulsified and spread as a topcoat on a cool roofing system (I've seen SRI ratings as high as 116). I've been suggesting six inches of continuous coral reef insulation to anyone within 500 miles of the tropical zone.
For those outside of those areas you're likely closer to harp seal habitats, so I would just default to those...
Already signed up for the WEED AP exam.
If I become a WEED AP will I still be able to cross the border from Canada into the U.S.? I'm concerned with losing cross border business oportunities and don't want to end up on a "watch list" simply be attaining certification as a WEED AP.
I also wanted to mention that while Pamela Anderson (Canadian) is currently protesting the annual harp seal hunt, her attic is actually being insulated with blown in Baby Harp Seal right now.
Pamela first became aware of blown in BHS when she did her first implants - those puppies were actually filled with organically grown, hand culled Baby Harp Seal fill for extra fluffy performance.
Pam.....do you burn?
great news :)m tech distance education
you guys are all hilarious!
Man, I am soooooo getting WEED accredited tonight.