I got a call from California edition of Archipaper asking me to make a comprehensive pull my daisy 'a la Gutter' (alligator?) between three of downtown Los Angeles' now-iconic-signature buildings and they'll pay me 1500 $, gas money and two years subscription to the magazine and opportunity to meet Michael Webb on the writer's wages and much more.
I thought I'd make an Q & A chart style easy read, take some pictures and be done with it in one morning and have a lunch in a Chinatown deli, before I go home to download the photos. Easy money. I love tounge-in-cheek design literature.
(of course it is always more work than anticipated)
I am still not sure though if I should send this in and take a paid misunderstood leave? I need the money. You be the judge.
Q- Which one of these buildings credit the architect's name on a public plaque? (I might be wrong on this, but in usual places, the names weren't there)
A- No such thing on any of the buildings observed
Q- Which one of these buildings have a better resale value?
A- Caltrans 7, with the possibility of loft conversion later on.
Q- Which one of these buildings have a better curb appeal among the art lovers?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which one of these buildings is bigger to the eye?
A- Caltrans 7
Q- Which one of these building cafeteria's have better ham and cheese sandwiches?
A- All do.
Q- Which one of these building have a hidden hiking trail around it?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q-which building have plywood bookshelves?
A-Disney Concert Hall
Q- If you were to pee urgently, where would you pee?
A- Disney Concert Hall (a lot of hidden walls)
(no picture)
Q- Which building have an independent sub contractor designed opening into it's otherwise hi-design Lobby space?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which building is openly vandalized?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which building spent less money on plants?
A- Caltrans 7
Q- Where do you see the King of Downtown's name cast in place?
A- Caltrans 7
Q- Which building is most convenient for looking yourself digitally and say "yes this is my Mason White imitation"?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which building is most likely to be written up in TV Guide?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which building is most likely to be liked by Rem Koolhaas?
A- Caltrans 7.
Q- Which building is likely to host a U2 concert?
A- Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels and Caltrans 7
Q- Which building whatever lobby sculpture?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which building has the better use of lighting?
A- Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels
Q- Which building is more revealing?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which buiding is also a bank?
A- Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels
Since I am doing some investigative journalism work for Archinect .com, I get to be invited to lots of media parties and the other day I went to one, also to meet with two of my teammates. It was a Media Bistro coming home party for Design Within Reach.
In media parties it is usually like this.
“"... I'm a "senior editor" over at Archinect,"
(I don't gesticulate the bunny ears, but I am thinking it.)
Schmoozers:
"Gosh, we LOVE Archinect! You guys are GREAT!"
Anyway, I was there and this is what happened.
When I arrived, there were about 500 people or so. Including Rem Koolhaas as a magazine publisher. I approached him and he said 'you guys are GRRREAT! He thought i was going to ask him for an interview but instead I sent him to get me some coffee. After that whatchmacallim showed up within my circle. Nicolai Oussoroff. He brought me the coffee and said Rem had to go with a potential client he has just met. Nicoloi said we were grreat and I asked him has he seen Marlin and Geoff? He said he'd be surprised if they show up for something like this. I decided to leave but people wouln't let me. Right then I saw Brad Pitt. He was shmoozing a famous interior designer for a job. Just then his potential boss turn to me instead of talking to him and said " you guys are grrreat". I didn't even answer her shmoozing pitch and kept walking only to notice Brad was following me now. I turned around and said " get the fuck out of my back ", he said, " sorry, you guys are grrrreat" with a passion and I said "look kid, this ain't no disco". As I made out to exit door, lo and behold. Geoff and Marlin were sitting on the curb, handcuffed. I ask, "officer what they have done?" and he tells me "it is a national security matter sir". Of course I punch the officer and get the keys and release my teammates from the captivity, only to find out we were surrounded by the SWAT team and people with megaphones asking us to drop our pens and lay on the ground. Just then Steven Spielberg comes forward and tells everybody that we are only guilty of being GRRREAT GUYS. Just then again everybody cheers the slogan "great guys".. As the paramedics fixing my bruises from the brawl with the peace officer, un-beige editor comes and she kisses me (french kiss) and says "Grrreat team guys."
I say, "no problem miss, see you around."
great to hear your stories. when do you think the mainstream media blackout on abra, faia will end? i mean, paris' blackout was only, like, a week, ya know?
Think how much nicer the pic above would be if everyone was just smiling. A flirtatious smile, an indulgent smile, a knowing smile, a big ol' shit-eating grin...everywhere you go, just smile. It throws people off guard.
Abracadabra, FAIA 'sweeps away' Bob Stereo in the Presidential Library shindig.
Telephone rings. I don’t answer, thinking it might be Brad Pitt’s new gf asking what I specified in their New Orleans house cabinet pulls.
After the unsuccessful foray into architecture and working for me for a while, poor chap decided to go back to make money in New Orleans recycling aluminum can business and married a local homeless woman who has been showing up at his drop off center under the bridge. Love at the first sight thing. The match made in 9 th. Ward. They are building subdivisions with can money.
Anyway, this is not about them.
This time the message was not from her but from a secretary working for the US President. So I pick the tel.
- “Yello. Blablabra here.”
- “Selam aleykum Mr. Abracadabra this is White House calling, I am Monica, part time intern in charge of Mr. President’s architectural affairs. Before you put a nail anywhere, it has to go through me. Ahhah...”
- “Aleykum selam, from the background sound, I thought the call was from Dubai. Don’t worry, I have done with nailing. What can I do for you?”
- “We have done the background check on you and even though we don’t appreciate your political views, we want to interview you to be on our team supervising the Presidential Library architect. Mr. President ‘thinks’ and you can say things to the architect he can’t, under his obligations to government protocol.”
- “What’s the problem? He can’t say “fuck you Bob, I want more closets” ?”
- “Exactly... We knew you’d understand.”
~~~
Great. I flew to DC, I met the Prez and he told me to ‘make it happen’ because it is not his cup of vodka, pardon me, I meant tea, and got the job.
Bob Stereo is calling me everyday now and kissing my ass. It became a routine daily thing in its ‘Swept Away’ ways.
Here is a typical conversation actually happened today (I am taping everything about this project to sell to Peoples Magazine in times of recession.)
Bob Stereo- “Hi Abra, how the hell are you today? Did you get the flowers I sent you wishing you happy Columbus Day?
Abracadabra, FAIA- “Watch your language. I don’t want to be mentioned in the same sentence with a word like ‘hell’. Didn’t I told you I don’t want to be bothered with flower deliveries today? HUH?”
The guy has a thick skin, however, frank.
- “Sorry. I really am.”
- “I was going over some of your drawings today and I noticed they are
Drawn by: A.S.S. I want you to personally draw everything in pencil and make sure there are no smudges. Use a scumbag. This is no joke mister.”
- “Of course, Of course. I will I will, soon as we get the electric erasers going.”
- “Listen to me and listen carefully. I am tired of you erasing things. Yes, the concept me and and the prez developed, is based on erasing things philosophically, but you took it too literally. I don’t want you to erase the drawings too fast anymore. What are you, eraser happy? For me, lesser the eraser, better the architect. Are you with me? I am glad you finally start to response my requests of dropping the standard classical shit you have in the flat files and start working on more of
‘root rock more-than-ism’ type of ‘process’. Let’s show the world ‘root rock-more-than-ism’ is just as flat file material in the hands of regular Bobs. In the mean time, show me two more butt jointed corner glass windows. You know how much I like process. Are you with me? I also want to see that you get rid of half of the glass right now. Glass is already thing of the past, regardless how hard they try. Plus Mr. Prez jitters when he hears the word transparency, the other day he almost chocked when I told him Monica is going to sing ‘Happy Birthday Mr. President’ in her transparent skirt. Again, I want this to be a timeless for the boss. Are you with me? Also make sure you call my friend ‘the arbor assassin’ for the landscape part. I want you to incorporate everything he tells you. If he says, ”lose the Yale wing and plant watermelons instead,” do it. Are you with me?”
- “Yes.”
-“Great, that’s all I want to hear from you. Don’t call me tomorrow. Bye.”
~~~
Back at the Casablanca, Monica,
- “Thanks for taking me out to dinner Abra.”
- “I like their chips.”
~~~
Prez,
- “God bless you Abra. Wow, what a great idea, tell Bob to get on it. Ahaha. He’ll love this one...”
- “I told you so. Ahhaha”
~~~
Bob Stereo,
- “Yes Abra!”
~~~
While the going is good, I am dined and lined by the architectural profession in general.
Head of AIA called me and asked if I want five regional award or one single gold one for telling the mayor of DC to make sure the contractor is licensed to do urban design work to the capital.
I said,
- “How about the gold one. Nobody knows me regionally anyway. It really doesn’t matter, fuck um all, I have enough disrespect already.”
- “I am sorry to hear that Abra.”
They gave me the medal and I sent Bob to pick it up. Can you believe it? He even wore the shirt I asked him to; “ARCHITECTURE SUCKS”, and read the short message I e-mailed him; “Abracadabra, FAIA is the greatest. Mission accomplished. I love you Mom.”
Thank you Bob, you don’t have to work Sundays anymore, until my further directions.
I couldn’t believe it but the person - name withheld- send me a ticket to TED lunch for the money he owed me for writing about him and his invention.
You know the guy, who say says “welcome, you got mail.”
That’s him alright. He said he got the ticket in e-bay and at 35K, it was a bargain. And, I was to sit next to no other than Meggy meg meg, for he supersized my ticket to world’s best shmooze. Meggy Meg Ryan to you, pardon, to me... We are to eat pasta salad, the de facto food of charitable events such as this where I was promised to pitch dirty jokes to world’s brightest people who can not stop inventing computer parts for the mail order businesses. It is like farfella’s best. Eaty boy, ticket is free. Mingle mingle...
I have arrived after munching several lines of coke and some good shit home grown weed. Just when I was getting introduced to this guy who invented a self inflating sustainable wheel, this guy, who dressed as a big chief Indian starts to chime a ceramic bell and says, “lunch is served.”
As all the guests start to find their seats, Oh my god, she enters to my life. Next to me while people are looking at us, I pop the question, “do you or don’t you fake orgasm Meg?” she looks at me with paparazzi repulsion and says, “but of course.”
Eh. The ice breaker.
I continue,
“how much did you pay for your ticket?”
Meg,
“oh, I charge 50K for lunch presence and all night events are negotiable.” she adds, “what about you? Do you pay or do you charge?”
I say, “depends, this was a gift, I got it in e-bay.”
She says, “you’re funny.”
After lunch, this guy gets on the stage and tells people who Ted is and how he died. Fuckin' A, Ted died smoking the wrong crack in wrong neighborhood.
People after people, all Ted all the time. As if the world has lost its orbit and heading south to Mexico, I mean Sunnyvale... Ted this and Ted that.
I just said to my self, "go for it Abracadabra," and I just grabbed Megs legs under the table and looked her on the eye and said, "girl, I want to do it right and move to New Orleans and do it there."
"Do what?" she asks.
I say, "just do it right with solar collectors and stuff."
She, "you mean on the roof?"
I, "ho yea!"and some people
She and I talk to each other for a long time , some other ticket holding shmoozers try to introduce themselves but she only tells them, "thanks for coming."
After shaking two dozen plus hands and saying thanks for coming, we look at each other and smile. I know what she is thinking and she knows what I am thinking.
Few minutes later, big Chief comes with his ceramic bell again and announces, "crack is served." All the guests move into the area where we see individual crack pipes, with engraved names on colored glass, loaded up with the best imported crack money can buy. Funny think was, everybody knew how to give that upward angle to their pipe and smoke the material after lighting with matching color lighters that came with the pipes.
ohhhooho... Thanks Meg I will email you soon... Goodby...
The successful bidder will need to sign this statement:
I understand that those who come to TED do so in a spirit of curiosity, open-mindedness, respect and tolerance. I confirm that I will respect these values. I also understand that the atmosphere at TED is appropriate for high-level relationship-building, not salesmanship. I confirm that I will not use my TED attendance to aggressively pitch my company, organization, products or services to other attendees.
but abra, you were aggressively pitching doing it to meg. But since the tix was a gift, you never signed the statement...
- Hello, SsTUDIO!
- What?
- Abracadabra faia, madam...
- You’ll never write in this town again!
I have heard that before... This is what happened.
~~~~~
Do you know of Designers’ Dozen Magazine? That call was from the lady who sets the direction of the publication from her corner office in Manhattan, Las Vegas. Everything was fine, we agreed on 1500 dollars for the whole piece with photos and I thought I was gonna get a check until...
Ho yeah, I have sent them a 300 word article talking about Greensumtion and its effects on third world people’s feelings and she sent it back to me with some additional *changes they want me to do. I am showing portion of that correction request I got from them.
*Her requested changes in italics.
“GANG OF GREEN” abra! this is too political. Don’t forget, we are a non political magazine pushing our advertisers’ products to Johnny and Debby be good society, and what’s wrong with that, riiight? Can you change the title to ‘GOOD GREEN in the CITY’ okeeey...
I couldn’t believe my eyes and had to pinch myself when I got the mail order from Eco Boudoir, that the underwear I ordered was already used by someone else and it didn’t smell good. abra!! This is to nerve breaking for our readers. UN-acceptable. NO!!! please CHANGE immediately... okeeey...
Had I not ordered this item for my girlfriend, it would probably never occur to me that some people in the mail room were sabotaging the heart of that green garment business, an industry serving people who want to lead a guilt free and clear conscience boosting lifestyle that is good for the mother earth and our well being as peace loving civilized society. abra, this makes sense. Good sentence! More like this, our advertisers and readers would love it. Expose those bastards who want to derail our movement with dirty laundry.
~~~~~
Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with this but, since I wrote her back saying, “I will not change a word without a cashier’s check to cover the time I already spent on the article,” they have rejected my 307 words long piece of investigative journalism gem, and I further burned my bridges by sending them a package with some nasty stuff in it.
I am in the office feeding the dogs and telephone rings. Zrrrrn.
- ablacadabla?
This fucker must be Chinese, can’t pronounce r’s.., like I can’t w’s...
- Vell, yeah. Do you vant me to design the Olympic stadium?
- How do you know?
- Vhy do you think they call me abracadabra?
Isn’t this interesting? All the idiot architects in the world refused the commie stadium and finally they figured out to call me. I wonder if they contacted the American Communist Party where I am a registered voter? Doesn’t matter. Let’s hear what this guy wants...
- We alleady have concept of how we want to stadium to look like and you wele lecommended to us by Hop Lui who you have designed a fast food Chinese deli in LA. Al you familiar with Bild’s Nest soup Lui makes.
- Yeah. But his is lily fake. He uses can soup and serves it in plastic bovls that look like a bird’s nest. He does the same thing vith shark’s fin soup. That guy is a fraud. He still oves me $450 from the permit set.
- But you know how a bild’s nest look like light?
- Of course I do, I had many lunches at Lui’s. Even though I am a Kung Pao chicken fan, I have seen suckers ordering fake nest soup all the time. Lui got them bovls in different colors. But mostly dark so they hide the vear and tear and dirt accumulation. Some costumers throv them in the trash but he takes them out and hoses them down in the back. The fucker is a gangster. He runs a gambling joint upstairs and always know vhich horse is gonna vin at the tracks. That is the only redeeming quality about the fuckspoon.
Anyway cut the fuckin’ porridge talk. Does this involve human rights issues?
- Well yes and no. it all depends if you al an idget. If you al an idget yes it is an human lights issue. If not, it is an opoltunity. Oppoltunity to lead China into the new centuly, to new malkets, have something bloadcasted fo a long time. It is an opoltunity to get lich. It is a win win situation you can’t lose anything. All the clitics al idiots.
- Do I need to stamp the dravings? That vould be five thousand dollars more though...
- Let me find that out flom my boss. We al in a tight budget. A lot of money fol seculity you know... we have the design you know...
- Bla bla. Send me a 1000 bucks deposit and your concept sketch. If you vant me to vork this out. time is money. It vill take me at least four veeks to design a stadium. More if you vant me to relate to existing human fabric.
- Don’t wolly about the ulban fablic. It’ll be all coveled with fences. One mole question; do you also wolk with bubbles?
- No thanks. I already took my shover this morning Mao! So long Make sure the money is cash in US dollas.
- ablacadabla we happy wolking with you, money come...
They sent me their concept drawing,
I sent them mine.
My concept drawing based on theirs
Hop Lui’s fake Bird Nest soup bowls some costumers throw in the trash and he gets them hosed down in the back
I don’t know what happened afterwards...
I was all sweating and punching the bed when dogs woke me up... I immediately wrote the story for my shrink and collected some photos from the internet close to graphic representations in the dream. I’ll have some Kung Pao chicken for lunch. Thanks.
Jul 31, 08 4:50 pm ·
·
When they called me, they asked for the design of a gigantic Peking Duct!
[i do have 5 mortal sins, but after one - what does it matter as one looses the keys to the purely gates]
my latest sin -
haven't been to archinect for some time - bad of me i know - no excuses - just a bit board with it - seems like the same old same old - 'does my gre count if i apply to gsd' etc. etc. well no it doesnt count unless well maybe it does count and of course it counts - why would we ask for it if it didnt count? what are you stupid?
ok - credit crunch and all - just accepted a new proper teaching job - full time senior senior lecturer [i have been that for a while but only one senior level] - cant describe it completely but a really good thing running lots of grad courses - still doing my phd - and that will carry on - should be fun
but!
will have to move out of london [hour or so] - and without a mate in toe i feel once again that i am starting over - then on top of it my yoga studio -i cant cant leave that place ! they are my bud's - i only now look at yoga mags and have ditched arch eyecandy.
and now back in shitcago and it is so fucking cold! at least we have warm + damp in london town!
maybe i should just give it all up and do icons in dubia!
Another Book & Another Fluff
(Two Slingshots in One, its Intifada time)
Telephone is ringing consistently for last two days...
I can’t stand it anymore.
- Abra!
- o HI! I am calling from SLY dArc, a small “link-tank” operating from an abandoned apartment near the old railroads. Can you help us with our recent book? Can you send us your projected projections about the Middle East in the year 2039? We will not sell your e-mail to anyone.
- What is this for?
- It is for Eric Boss’ hundredth fluffy book we are publishing. It will be titled, “Who Says What Architecture Is Not?” We’d like to use your wet humor.
- Is there any gratuity involved?
- No sir. The income from his books never amount to anything. Nobody reads them except the typesetters and his lieutenants.
-No thanks! Tell him to get lost! What does Middle East have to do with his depressing books anyway? What’s this, ‘Culver City Creative Business .com Park’ re-enacted in Jerusalem? I am not crazier than you think...
I can’t believe the pitch. But regardless, I start to think about the projection, which I do a lot these days for added income. I spend fifteen minutes on it and the ideas just flow as usual. I send the final outcome to another link-tank, Circle Bar Strategies, they say, “get lost! Abra you out of your goddamn mind?”
Finally I sent it to Archinect.com. They say Eastward Ho!
Here is the entire “Paper”:
Thirty years from now. 2039 in Middle East;
Israel:
Due to large scale brain drain and draughts, it struggles to pay its foreign debt to China, who bought the junk bonds from USA. It asks to be a member of Arab Union but economically is not qualified. Then it tries to use its decaying nuclear arsenal for equity, but they are no longer rare items by any means.
Large scale water shortages. Available water is tainted.
It is now a nation of very poor people ignored by American Jewish Community, which is trying to buy Tijuana for a “closer Israel” but Mexicans are no pushovers and threatening to cut financial aid to California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas all at once. They also have a lot of Zapata class rockets made with recycled metal from Pepsi cans and millions of tunnels to US, which are impossible to detect even with the Google C-All shareware technology.
Egypt:
Mubarak's grand son rules like his grandfather. Still no personality detected. Nile dried up in the lower parts around Cairo. Water is only available to drink. It stinks.
Jordan:
Wants to incorporate Israel. No water of its own but rich enough to buy it from the source, Evian. Nobody knows where they’ve got the money.
Lebanon:
Currently owns all the resorts in Israeli cost except Gaza of course. Many pimps of Tel Aviv are on the payroll. Beirut has water and Ukranian women.
Jerusalem:
The City still giving tax brakes to film production companies. Free promotional bottled water available for film and photo shoots. Whether or not the City should permit the filming of "Sketches of Frank in Drag" in half completed Museum of Tolerance is debated. Most citizens say, "so what, let them do it as long as they don’t expose his buttocks.”
Iraq:
Officially becomes rental property to Iran, who is being hard ass about granting American and European guest workers fair housing. Previous American Embassy grounds are now an Independent country called "Euphoria" where every citizen has an access to free porno downloads and packaged Afghani heroin.
Bring your own water or buy it from Turks, who use their previous oil pipelines for water distribution with unfair pricing index.
Gaza:
Still unsafe for humans due to radioactivity.
Saudi Arabia:
The only democracy in the region, even after democracy is no longer used by any nation. Buys water from Yemen. Lord Foster and Zaha Hadid are now married and working out of a trailer near the Mecca construction site. ‘Norman’ is now known as ‘Nurallah’ after converting to Islam as the contract stipulated.
Dubai and UAE:
With no air-conditioning available, it is virtually given back to local tribes. The sand starts to cover most buildings from early days of 21 st century. No potable water. Population 4500. Average temp: 55 C in shade. A lot of human skeletons in the never used buildings.
Syria:
The new darling of EU. Water is plenty but expensive. Ol' Sarkozy is the prime minister with his wife singing folk songs in Arabic with generous portion of her skin exposed for vacationing foreign guest workers.
Kuwait:
A colony for hire. They will do anything to make you feel good for a small monthly fee. Even Israel colonized Kuwait for a week during last year’s Hanukkah.
Telephone rings in my new office, ding ding ding…
“Hallluuu, is this abracadabra FAIA?
“Certainly!”
“Sir the new magazine for living Smell is calling”
“No thanks there has been too many farts lately”
“Sir this is about not farting but sorting something”
“Sorry I don’t do closets.”
TWO DAYS LATER
“abracadabra FAIA? Smell. Paid article will you take it?”
“But of course. What do I do?”
“Architecture is in crisis. People dropping out the profession and want to be lawyers and doctors. We would like you to interview a lawyer and a doctor so architects can see for themselves that it is just as bad ‘over there.’ “
I take the job for a few cents on the dollar and call my nemesis Jayski. The lawyer who would kill to defend Bernie Madoff.
“Hey asshole, I’m gonna interview you for Smell.”
“That stinks pal. Why don’t you sell your ass on Hollywood Blvd.? At least it pays better.”
TWO HOURS LATER IN JAY’S OFFICE
“My first question, how long it took you to become a lawyer and how much money do you make?”
“Three years and I make 15 million dollars a year after the taxes”
“Wow! Architects make 40,000 a year after going to school for seven years.”
“Really? Why don’t they line up on Hollywood Blvd. and suck dicks with herpes. It pays better?!”
“That’s an asshole thing to say Jay. Why don’t you say something positive motherfucker?”
“Okay I was a bit harsh but I’ll show you why I have no respect for your kind.”
He picks up the phone and tells me he will call the architect he is using to add a door knob for one of his kitchen cabinets. He tells me to listen and record it. He speed dials a number and meekly sound answers.
“Studio!”
“What? Go fuck yourself. Don’t studio me cocksucker. This is Jay. I want you to personally go to my house and unscrew that fuckin’ door knob you personally delivered the other day and get me a brass one before I lose my temper and personally punish you jerk!”
“B B B but Jay… You approved and signed it off.”
“Get the fuck over there and do as I say. I changed my mind OKAY??? Do as I say. Get me the knob in shiny brass with a beautiful scroll like my mom had. I don’t think that brush steel one does the trick for me, it looks like a dentist tool. Is that what they thought you at school?”
“..… Okay Jay. Let me draw something up and send you for the approval.”
“Sketch! I am tired of your goddamn sketches for a fuckin’ door knob. You know what? I don’t want YOU to bring the knob. Send it with your wife. I’ll be home at eleven tonight and tell her to wear same dress she put on last time she brought the screws.”
“Okay Jay… Whatever you say. You have been a great client for us.”
“Hey thanks. Just get it done. I know you can do it. Oh, by the way, I also need you to think about my secretary’s closet.”
“Ill get on it right o way Jay. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to work on that.”
Jay looks at me says,
“How do you like that? Do you think he deserves more than 40 grand a year? He is lucky his wife is sexy. This is fuckin’ embarrassing.. Fuckin’ door knob abra.. Fucking door knob..!”
abracadabra, faia
I just sat in one sitting reading all of abra, faia
couple of things; you need turn this shit into a comic or a series...on some design budget show forget design stars...it reads better than Ian Martin
2. what no mention?? Hurts man hurts
3. its 1am, and I'm waiting to see what's next
Wait no new entries? Gah
Episode 32
2/26/2007
abracadabra, faia
in
Manny, Moe and Jack
I got a call from California edition of Archipaper asking me to make a comprehensive pull my daisy 'a la Gutter' (alligator?) between three of downtown Los Angeles' now-iconic-signature buildings and they'll pay me 1500 $, gas money and two years subscription to the magazine and opportunity to meet Michael Webb on the writer's wages and much more.
These buildings are the usual suspects;
Disney Concert Hall by FOG Associates
Caltrans District 7 Office by Morphosis
Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels by R. Moneo and Cardinal Mahony.
I thought I'd make an Q & A chart style easy read, take some pictures and be done with it in one morning and have a lunch in a Chinatown deli, before I go home to download the photos. Easy money. I love tounge-in-cheek design literature.
(of course it is always more work than anticipated)
I am still not sure though if I should send this in and take a paid misunderstood leave? I need the money. You be the judge.
Q- Which one of these buildings credit the architect's name on a public plaque? (I might be wrong on this, but in usual places, the names weren't there)
A- No such thing on any of the buildings observed
Q- Which one of these buildings have a better resale value?
A- Caltrans 7, with the possibility of loft conversion later on.
Q- Which one of these buildings have a better curb appeal among the art lovers?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which one of these buildings is bigger to the eye?
A- Caltrans 7
Q- Which one of these building cafeteria's have better ham and cheese sandwiches?
A- All do.
Q- Which one of these building have a hidden hiking trail around it?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q-which building have plywood bookshelves?
A-Disney Concert Hall
Q- If you were to pee urgently, where would you pee?
A- Disney Concert Hall (a lot of hidden walls)
(no picture)
Q- Which building have an independent sub contractor designed opening into it's otherwise hi-design Lobby space?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which building is openly vandalized?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which building spent less money on plants?
A- Caltrans 7
Q- Where do you see the King of Downtown's name cast in place?
A- Caltrans 7
Q- Which building is most convenient for looking yourself digitally and say "yes this is my Mason White imitation"?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which building is most likely to be written up in TV Guide?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which building is most likely to be liked by Rem Koolhaas?
A- Caltrans 7.
Q- Which building is likely to host a U2 concert?
A- Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels and Caltrans 7
Q- Which building whatever lobby sculpture?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which building has the better use of lighting?
A- Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels
Q- Which building is more revealing?
A- Disney Concert Hall
Q- Which buiding is also a bank?
A- Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels
Oh my god I laughed out loud at least six times.
Take the money and run abra, it's not even 1/64 what this article is worth!
phantastisch!!
is this the Caltrans?
again...brilliant
I still think this needs story boards
sorry guys, i had to do it.
which one has the best swimming hole?
at which one am i more likely to cut myself on something sharp?
where's the best skateboarding?
abra, the people want to know!
Episode33
03/8/2007
abracadabra, faia
MEDIA BISTRO
Since I am doing some investigative journalism work for Archinect .com, I get to be invited to lots of media parties and the other day I went to one, also to meet with two of my teammates. It was a Media Bistro coming home party for Design Within Reach.
In media parties it is usually like this.
“"... I'm a "senior editor" over at Archinect,"
(I don't gesticulate the bunny ears, but I am thinking it.)
Schmoozers:
"Gosh, we LOVE Archinect! You guys are GREAT!"
Anyway, I was there and this is what happened.
When I arrived, there were about 500 people or so. Including Rem Koolhaas as a magazine publisher. I approached him and he said 'you guys are GRRREAT! He thought i was going to ask him for an interview but instead I sent him to get me some coffee. After that whatchmacallim showed up within my circle. Nicolai Oussoroff. He brought me the coffee and said Rem had to go with a potential client he has just met. Nicoloi said we were grreat and I asked him has he seen Marlin and Geoff? He said he'd be surprised if they show up for something like this. I decided to leave but people wouln't let me. Right then I saw Brad Pitt. He was shmoozing a famous interior designer for a job. Just then his potential boss turn to me instead of talking to him and said " you guys are grrreat". I didn't even answer her shmoozing pitch and kept walking only to notice Brad was following me now. I turned around and said " get the fuck out of my back ", he said, " sorry, you guys are grrrreat" with a passion and I said "look kid, this ain't no disco". As I made out to exit door, lo and behold. Geoff and Marlin were sitting on the curb, handcuffed. I ask, "officer what they have done?" and he tells me "it is a national security matter sir". Of course I punch the officer and get the keys and release my teammates from the captivity, only to find out we were surrounded by the SWAT team and people with megaphones asking us to drop our pens and lay on the ground. Just then Steven Spielberg comes forward and tells everybody that we are only guilty of being GRRREAT GUYS. Just then again everybody cheers the slogan "great guys".. As the paramedics fixing my bruises from the brawl with the peace officer, un-beige editor comes and she kisses me (french kiss) and says "Grrreat team guys."
I say, "no problem miss, see you around."
abracadabra, faia gives Brad Pitt a piece of his mind.
you let them bruise you, abra?!
great to hear your stories. when do you think the mainstream media blackout on abra, faia will end? i mean, paris' blackout was only, like, a week, ya know?
Think how much nicer the pic above would be if everyone was just smiling. A flirtatious smile, an indulgent smile, a knowing smile, a big ol' shit-eating grin...everywhere you go, just smile. It throws people off guard.
Grrrrreat episode, abra.
who is the chick in the mondrian top. very not 21st century hon...
abra? More sir please can we have somemore?
oh great
Episode34
10/10/2007
abracadabra, faia
Abracadabra, FAIA 'sweeps away' Bob Stereo in the Presidential Library shindig.
Telephone rings. I don’t answer, thinking it might be Brad Pitt’s new gf asking what I specified in their New Orleans house cabinet pulls.
After the unsuccessful foray into architecture and working for me for a while, poor chap decided to go back to make money in New Orleans recycling aluminum can business and married a local homeless woman who has been showing up at his drop off center under the bridge. Love at the first sight thing. The match made in 9 th. Ward. They are building subdivisions with can money.
Anyway, this is not about them.
This time the message was not from her but from a secretary working for the US President. So I pick the tel.
- “Yello. Blablabra here.”
- “Selam aleykum Mr. Abracadabra this is White House calling, I am Monica, part time intern in charge of Mr. President’s architectural affairs. Before you put a nail anywhere, it has to go through me. Ahhah...”
- “Aleykum selam, from the background sound, I thought the call was from Dubai. Don’t worry, I have done with nailing. What can I do for you?”
- “We have done the background check on you and even though we don’t appreciate your political views, we want to interview you to be on our team supervising the Presidential Library architect. Mr. President ‘thinks’ and you can say things to the architect he can’t, under his obligations to government protocol.”
- “What’s the problem? He can’t say “fuck you Bob, I want more closets” ?”
- “Exactly... We knew you’d understand.”
~~~
Great. I flew to DC, I met the Prez and he told me to ‘make it happen’ because it is not his cup of vodka, pardon me, I meant tea, and got the job.
Bob Stereo is calling me everyday now and kissing my ass. It became a routine daily thing in its ‘Swept Away’ ways.
Here is a typical conversation actually happened today (I am taping everything about this project to sell to Peoples Magazine in times of recession.)
Bob Stereo- “Hi Abra, how the hell are you today? Did you get the flowers I sent you wishing you happy Columbus Day?
Abracadabra, FAIA- “Watch your language. I don’t want to be mentioned in the same sentence with a word like ‘hell’. Didn’t I told you I don’t want to be bothered with flower deliveries today? HUH?”
The guy has a thick skin, however, frank.
- “Sorry. I really am.”
- “I was going over some of your drawings today and I noticed they are
Drawn by: A.S.S. I want you to personally draw everything in pencil and make sure there are no smudges. Use a scumbag. This is no joke mister.”
- “Of course, Of course. I will I will, soon as we get the electric erasers going.”
- “Listen to me and listen carefully. I am tired of you erasing things. Yes, the concept me and and the prez developed, is based on erasing things philosophically, but you took it too literally. I don’t want you to erase the drawings too fast anymore. What are you, eraser happy? For me, lesser the eraser, better the architect. Are you with me? I am glad you finally start to response my requests of dropping the standard classical shit you have in the flat files and start working on more of
‘root rock more-than-ism’ type of ‘process’. Let’s show the world ‘root rock-more-than-ism’ is just as flat file material in the hands of regular Bobs. In the mean time, show me two more butt jointed corner glass windows. You know how much I like process. Are you with me? I also want to see that you get rid of half of the glass right now. Glass is already thing of the past, regardless how hard they try. Plus Mr. Prez jitters when he hears the word transparency, the other day he almost chocked when I told him Monica is going to sing ‘Happy Birthday Mr. President’ in her transparent skirt. Again, I want this to be a timeless for the boss. Are you with me? Also make sure you call my friend ‘the arbor assassin’ for the landscape part. I want you to incorporate everything he tells you. If he says, ”lose the Yale wing and plant watermelons instead,” do it. Are you with me?”
- “Yes.”
-“Great, that’s all I want to hear from you. Don’t call me tomorrow. Bye.”
~~~
Back at the Casablanca, Monica,
- “Thanks for taking me out to dinner Abra.”
- “I like their chips.”
~~~
Prez,
- “God bless you Abra. Wow, what a great idea, tell Bob to get on it. Ahaha. He’ll love this one...”
- “I told you so. Ahhaha”
~~~
Bob Stereo,
- “Yes Abra!”
~~~
While the going is good, I am dined and lined by the architectural profession in general.
Head of AIA called me and asked if I want five regional award or one single gold one for telling the mayor of DC to make sure the contractor is licensed to do urban design work to the capital.
I said,
- “How about the gold one. Nobody knows me regionally anyway. It really doesn’t matter, fuck um all, I have enough disrespect already.”
- “I am sorry to hear that Abra.”
They gave me the medal and I sent Bob to pick it up. Can you believe it? He even wore the shirt I asked him to; “ARCHITECTURE SUCKS”, and read the short message I e-mailed him; “Abracadabra, FAIA is the greatest. Mission accomplished. I love you Mom.”
Thank you Bob, you don’t have to work Sundays anymore, until my further directions.
*Coming soon; "Now What?"
Abra I owe you a watermelon! thanks for including me in this excellent adventure!
Bob stereo - sweet! Again abra a brilliant installment. I still believe they need script boards to go with them.
bob stereo is good. michael sorkin used to call him 'stern-o' when he wrote for the village voice. good stuff.
Episode35
01/28/2008
abracadabra, faia
I got it on e-bay
I couldn’t believe it but the person - name withheld- send me a ticket to TED lunch for the money he owed me for writing about him and his invention.
You know the guy, who say says “welcome, you got mail.”
That’s him alright. He said he got the ticket in e-bay and at 35K, it was a bargain. And, I was to sit next to no other than Meggy meg meg, for he supersized my ticket to world’s best shmooze. Meggy Meg Ryan to you, pardon, to me... We are to eat pasta salad, the de facto food of charitable events such as this where I was promised to pitch dirty jokes to world’s brightest people who can not stop inventing computer parts for the mail order businesses. It is like farfella’s best. Eaty boy, ticket is free. Mingle mingle...
I have arrived after munching several lines of coke and some good shit home grown weed. Just when I was getting introduced to this guy who invented a self inflating sustainable wheel, this guy, who dressed as a big chief Indian starts to chime a ceramic bell and says, “lunch is served.”
As all the guests start to find their seats, Oh my god, she enters to my life. Next to me while people are looking at us, I pop the question, “do you or don’t you fake orgasm Meg?” she looks at me with paparazzi repulsion and says, “but of course.”
Eh. The ice breaker.
I continue,
“how much did you pay for your ticket?”
Meg,
“oh, I charge 50K for lunch presence and all night events are negotiable.” she adds, “what about you? Do you pay or do you charge?”
I say, “depends, this was a gift, I got it in e-bay.”
She says, “you’re funny.”
After lunch, this guy gets on the stage and tells people who Ted is and how he died. Fuckin' A, Ted died smoking the wrong crack in wrong neighborhood.
People after people, all Ted all the time. As if the world has lost its orbit and heading south to Mexico, I mean Sunnyvale... Ted this and Ted that.
I just said to my self, "go for it Abracadabra," and I just grabbed Megs legs under the table and looked her on the eye and said, "girl, I want to do it right and move to New Orleans and do it there."
"Do what?" she asks.
I say, "just do it right with solar collectors and stuff."
She, "you mean on the roof?"
I, "ho yea!"and some people
She and I talk to each other for a long time , some other ticket holding shmoozers try to introduce themselves but she only tells them, "thanks for coming."
After shaking two dozen plus hands and saying thanks for coming, we look at each other and smile. I know what she is thinking and she knows what I am thinking.
Few minutes later, big Chief comes with his ceramic bell again and announces, "crack is served." All the guests move into the area where we see individual crack pipes, with engraved names on colored glass, loaded up with the best imported crack money can buy. Funny think was, everybody knew how to give that upward angle to their pipe and smoke the material after lighting with matching color lighters that came with the pipes.
ohhhooho... Thanks Meg I will email you soon... Goodby...
I understand that those who come to TED do so in a spirit of curiosity, open-mindedness, respect and tolerance. I confirm that I will respect these values. I also understand that the atmosphere at TED is appropriate for high-level relationship-building, not salesmanship. I confirm that I will not use my TED attendance to aggressively pitch my company, organization, products or services to other attendees.
but abra, you were aggressively pitching doing it to meg. But since the tix was a gift, you never signed the statement...
Episode36
04/09/2008
abracadabra, faia
BETTER THAN NOTHING BUT NOT AS GOOD AS SOMETHING
Zzzzrn. Telephone...
- Hello, SsTUDIO!
- What?
- Abracadabra faia, madam...
- You’ll never write in this town again!
I have heard that before... This is what happened.
~~~~~
Do you know of Designers’ Dozen Magazine? That call was from the lady who sets the direction of the publication from her corner office in Manhattan, Las Vegas. Everything was fine, we agreed on 1500 dollars for the whole piece with photos and I thought I was gonna get a check until...
Ho yeah, I have sent them a 300 word article talking about Greensumtion and its effects on third world people’s feelings and she sent it back to me with some additional *changes they want me to do. I am showing portion of that correction request I got from them.
*Her requested changes in italics.
“GANG OF GREEN”
abra! this is too political. Don’t forget, we are a non political magazine pushing our advertisers’ products to Johnny and Debby be good society, and what’s wrong with that, riiight? Can you change the title to ‘GOOD GREEN in the CITY’ okeeey...
I couldn’t believe my eyes and had to pinch myself when I got the mail order from Eco Boudoir, that the underwear I ordered was already used by someone else and it didn’t smell good.
abra!! This is to nerve breaking for our readers. UN-acceptable. NO!!! please CHANGE immediately... okeeey...
Had I not ordered this item for my girlfriend, it would probably never occur to me that some people in the mail room were sabotaging the heart of that green garment business, an industry serving people who want to lead a guilt free and clear conscience boosting lifestyle that is good for the mother earth and our well being as peace loving civilized society.
abra, this makes sense. Good sentence! More like this, our advertisers and readers would love it. Expose those bastards who want to derail our movement with dirty laundry.
~~~~~
Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with this but, since I wrote her back saying, “I will not change a word without a cashier’s check to cover the time I already spent on the article,” they have rejected my 307 words long piece of investigative journalism gem, and I further burned my bridges by sending them a package with some nasty stuff in it.
Is that a discarded Castro Cigar?
Episode37
07/31/2008
abracadabra, faia
I NO IDGET
I am in the office feeding the dogs and telephone rings. Zrrrrn.
- ablacadabla?
This fucker must be Chinese, can’t pronounce r’s.., like I can’t w’s...
- Vell, yeah. Do you vant me to design the Olympic stadium?
- How do you know?
- Vhy do you think they call me abracadabra?
Isn’t this interesting? All the idiot architects in the world refused the commie stadium and finally they figured out to call me. I wonder if they contacted the American Communist Party where I am a registered voter? Doesn’t matter. Let’s hear what this guy wants...
- We alleady have concept of how we want to stadium to look like and you wele lecommended to us by Hop Lui who you have designed a fast food Chinese deli in LA. Al you familiar with Bild’s Nest soup Lui makes.
- Yeah. But his is lily fake. He uses can soup and serves it in plastic bovls that look like a bird’s nest. He does the same thing vith shark’s fin soup. That guy is a fraud. He still oves me $450 from the permit set.
- But you know how a bild’s nest look like light?
- Of course I do, I had many lunches at Lui’s. Even though I am a Kung Pao chicken fan, I have seen suckers ordering fake nest soup all the time. Lui got them bovls in different colors. But mostly dark so they hide the vear and tear and dirt accumulation. Some costumers throv them in the trash but he takes them out and hoses them down in the back. The fucker is a gangster. He runs a gambling joint upstairs and always know vhich horse is gonna vin at the tracks. That is the only redeeming quality about the fuckspoon.
Anyway cut the fuckin’ porridge talk. Does this involve human rights issues?
- Well yes and no. it all depends if you al an idget. If you al an idget yes it is an human lights issue. If not, it is an opoltunity. Oppoltunity to lead China into the new centuly, to new malkets, have something bloadcasted fo a long time. It is an opoltunity to get lich. It is a win win situation you can’t lose anything. All the clitics al idiots.
- Do I need to stamp the dravings? That vould be five thousand dollars more though...
- Let me find that out flom my boss. We al in a tight budget. A lot of money fol seculity you know... we have the design you know...
- Bla bla. Send me a 1000 bucks deposit and your concept sketch. If you vant me to vork this out. time is money. It vill take me at least four veeks to design a stadium. More if you vant me to relate to existing human fabric.
- Don’t wolly about the ulban fablic. It’ll be all coveled with fences. One mole question; do you also wolk with bubbles?
- No thanks. I already took my shover this morning Mao! So long Make sure the money is cash in US dollas.
- ablacadabla we happy wolking with you, money come...
They sent me their concept drawing,
I sent them mine.
My concept drawing based on theirs
Hop Lui’s fake Bird Nest soup bowls some costumers throw in the trash and he gets them hosed down in the back
I don’t know what happened afterwards...
I was all sweating and punching the bed when dogs woke me up... I immediately wrote the story for my shrink and collected some photos from the internet close to graphic representations in the dream. I’ll have some Kung Pao chicken for lunch. Thanks.
When they called me, they asked for the design of a gigantic Peking Duct!
conceptual model: Kool-Out Haus
bovls.
Buh-vuls.
Love it.
Oh man, always glad when this is revived. I want to grow up to be a starchitective just like abracadabra.
how did I miss this term before! Did you coin it 765 or did abra?
I think I just made it up. There's something very Raymond Chandler about these, right?
Find the exclusive free bet offer from BettingChoice .
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Gomez
stan james free bet
uhmmm mole?
Abra as always brilliant!!
bless me, FAIA, for i have sinned [once again] -
[i do have 5 mortal sins, but after one - what does it matter as one looses the keys to the purely gates]
my latest sin -
haven't been to archinect for some time - bad of me i know - no excuses - just a bit board with it - seems like the same old same old - 'does my gre count if i apply to gsd' etc. etc. well no it doesnt count unless well maybe it does count and of course it counts - why would we ask for it if it didnt count? what are you stupid?
ok - credit crunch and all - just accepted a new proper teaching job - full time senior senior lecturer [i have been that for a while but only one senior level] - cant describe it completely but a really good thing running lots of grad courses - still doing my phd - and that will carry on - should be fun
but!
will have to move out of london [hour or so] - and without a mate in toe i feel once again that i am starting over - then on top of it my yoga studio -i cant cant leave that place ! they are my bud's - i only now look at yoga mags and have ditched arch eyecandy.
and now back in shitcago and it is so fucking cold! at least we have warm + damp in london town!
maybe i should just give it all up and do icons in dubia!
xx
as always,
TED
Episode38
01/07/2009
abracadabra, faia
Another Book & Another Fluff
(Two Slingshots in One, its Intifada time)
Telephone is ringing consistently for last two days...
I can’t stand it anymore.
- Abra!
- o HI! I am calling from SLY dArc, a small “link-tank” operating from an abandoned apartment near the old railroads. Can you help us with our recent book? Can you send us your projected projections about the Middle East in the year 2039? We will not sell your e-mail to anyone.
- What is this for?
- It is for Eric Boss’ hundredth fluffy book we are publishing. It will be titled, “Who Says What Architecture Is Not?” We’d like to use your wet humor.
- Is there any gratuity involved?
- No sir. The income from his books never amount to anything. Nobody reads them except the typesetters and his lieutenants.
-No thanks! Tell him to get lost! What does Middle East have to do with his depressing books anyway? What’s this, ‘Culver City Creative Business .com Park’ re-enacted in Jerusalem? I am not crazier than you think...
I can’t believe the pitch. But regardless, I start to think about the projection, which I do a lot these days for added income. I spend fifteen minutes on it and the ideas just flow as usual. I send the final outcome to another link-tank, Circle Bar Strategies, they say, “get lost! Abra you out of your goddamn mind?”
Finally I sent it to Archinect.com. They say Eastward Ho!
Here is the entire “Paper”:
Thirty years from now. 2039 in Middle East;
Israel:
Due to large scale brain drain and draughts, it struggles to pay its foreign debt to China, who bought the junk bonds from USA. It asks to be a member of Arab Union but economically is not qualified. Then it tries to use its decaying nuclear arsenal for equity, but they are no longer rare items by any means.
Large scale water shortages. Available water is tainted.
It is now a nation of very poor people ignored by American Jewish Community, which is trying to buy Tijuana for a “closer Israel” but Mexicans are no pushovers and threatening to cut financial aid to California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas all at once. They also have a lot of Zapata class rockets made with recycled metal from Pepsi cans and millions of tunnels to US, which are impossible to detect even with the Google C-All shareware technology.
Egypt:
Mubarak's grand son rules like his grandfather. Still no personality detected. Nile dried up in the lower parts around Cairo. Water is only available to drink. It stinks.
Jordan:
Wants to incorporate Israel. No water of its own but rich enough to buy it from the source, Evian. Nobody knows where they’ve got the money.
Lebanon:
Currently owns all the resorts in Israeli cost except Gaza of course. Many pimps of Tel Aviv are on the payroll. Beirut has water and Ukranian women.
Jerusalem:
The City still giving tax brakes to film production companies. Free promotional bottled water available for film and photo shoots. Whether or not the City should permit the filming of "Sketches of Frank in Drag" in half completed Museum of Tolerance is debated. Most citizens say, "so what, let them do it as long as they don’t expose his buttocks.”
Iraq:
Officially becomes rental property to Iran, who is being hard ass about granting American and European guest workers fair housing. Previous American Embassy grounds are now an Independent country called "Euphoria" where every citizen has an access to free porno downloads and packaged Afghani heroin.
Bring your own water or buy it from Turks, who use their previous oil pipelines for water distribution with unfair pricing index.
Gaza:
Still unsafe for humans due to radioactivity.
Saudi Arabia:
The only democracy in the region, even after democracy is no longer used by any nation. Buys water from Yemen. Lord Foster and Zaha Hadid are now married and working out of a trailer near the Mecca construction site. ‘Norman’ is now known as ‘Nurallah’ after converting to Islam as the contract stipulated.
Dubai and UAE:
With no air-conditioning available, it is virtually given back to local tribes. The sand starts to cover most buildings from early days of 21 st century. No potable water. Population 4500. Average temp: 55 C in shade. A lot of human skeletons in the never used buildings.
Syria:
The new darling of EU. Water is plenty but expensive. Ol' Sarkozy is the prime minister with his wife singing folk songs in Arabic with generous portion of her skin exposed for vacationing foreign guest workers.
Kuwait:
A colony for hire. They will do anything to make you feel good for a small monthly fee. Even Israel colonized Kuwait for a week during last year’s Hanukkah.
*SPONSORED BY RUSTOLIUM*
Orhan,
Quite nice my two cents.
Can i live in "Euphoria"?
And the only one that makes me depressed is the radioactive Gaza. Not sure why. It may or may not be th emost "likely".
Episode39
02/08/2010
abracadabra, faia
Interview with a Lawyer
Telephone rings in my new office, ding ding ding…
“Hallluuu, is this abracadabra FAIA?
“Certainly!”
“Sir the new magazine for living Smell is calling”
“No thanks there has been too many farts lately”
“Sir this is about not farting but sorting something”
“Sorry I don’t do closets.”
TWO DAYS LATER
“abracadabra FAIA? Smell. Paid article will you take it?”
“But of course. What do I do?”
“Architecture is in crisis. People dropping out the profession and want to be lawyers and doctors. We would like you to interview a lawyer and a doctor so architects can see for themselves that it is just as bad ‘over there.’ “
I take the job for a few cents on the dollar and call my nemesis Jayski. The lawyer who would kill to defend Bernie Madoff.
“Hey asshole, I’m gonna interview you for Smell.”
“That stinks pal. Why don’t you sell your ass on Hollywood Blvd.? At least it pays better.”
TWO HOURS LATER IN JAY’S OFFICE
“My first question, how long it took you to become a lawyer and how much money do you make?”
“Three years and I make 15 million dollars a year after the taxes”
“Wow! Architects make 40,000 a year after going to school for seven years.”
“Really? Why don’t they line up on Hollywood Blvd. and suck dicks with herpes. It pays better?!”
“That’s an asshole thing to say Jay. Why don’t you say something positive motherfucker?”
“Okay I was a bit harsh but I’ll show you why I have no respect for your kind.”
He picks up the phone and tells me he will call the architect he is using to add a door knob for one of his kitchen cabinets. He tells me to listen and record it. He speed dials a number and meekly sound answers.
“Studio!”
“What? Go fuck yourself. Don’t studio me cocksucker. This is Jay. I want you to personally go to my house and unscrew that fuckin’ door knob you personally delivered the other day and get me a brass one before I lose my temper and personally punish you jerk!”
“B B B but Jay… You approved and signed it off.”
“Get the fuck over there and do as I say. I changed my mind OKAY??? Do as I say. Get me the knob in shiny brass with a beautiful scroll like my mom had. I don’t think that brush steel one does the trick for me, it looks like a dentist tool. Is that what they thought you at school?”
“..… Okay Jay. Let me draw something up and send you for the approval.”
“Sketch! I am tired of your goddamn sketches for a fuckin’ door knob. You know what? I don’t want YOU to bring the knob. Send it with your wife. I’ll be home at eleven tonight and tell her to wear same dress she put on last time she brought the screws.”
“Okay Jay… Whatever you say. You have been a great client for us.”
“Hey thanks. Just get it done. I know you can do it. Oh, by the way, I also need you to think about my secretary’s closet.”
“Ill get on it right o way Jay. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to work on that.”
Jay looks at me says,
“How do you like that? Do you think he deserves more than 40 grand a year? He is lucky his wife is sexy. This is fuckin’ embarrassing.. Fuckin’ door knob abra.. Fucking door knob..!”
NEXT WEEK: Interview with Barbara Kline, MD
must of been a rough week!
man all for a door-knob.
But seriously, at least they don't have architect jokes.
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